November 17, 2003

Life Fucking Sucks

Well, first off....
I'm completely drunk right now. I haven't drank in a long time, but I slammed a few beers...

I don't even know where the fuck to begin. I tried to quit smoking. Yesterday I stopped and I lasted until about 10:30 pm today. About 27 hours. Then I got a pack of smokes because life sucks too much to quit right now. My husband is never home anymore, except to shower or sleep. He always seems like he'd rather hang out with his friends. What else is new. I was really struggling tonight and he called earlier tonight and said he'd be home in an hour. I though he was going to come home to actually spend some time here but I was wrong. Of course. After waiting almost two and a half hours he finally came home. But just to change clothes and go to a friends house. I ended up going with. Only to find out that my best friend had been there earlier....but I guess I wasn't supposed to know about that either. I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I am thinking about just packing up my shit and leaving. Maybe that is best.

November 3, 2003

Nov. 3, 2003

It's funny how I haven't written in so long. I either forgot or was trying to avoid it.
Probably both. I was going to sit here and recap everything that has happened in the last 7 months, but I figured why bother. I know what has all happened. Why go through and painstakingly write it all down and waste my whole journal. So I'll just start as if I've been writing in here all along.
How am I feeling today? I hate my life. I hate my husband. I hate myself. I hate this box of an apartment. I hate this town and everyone in it. Except the cat. She's my darling little baby and doing very well health-wise.
You know I've been in a bad slump lately anyhow, but today really made it clear. When I woke up my husband was voice chatting with one of my friends from work. I don't know what she was typing but he was using voice and I heard him loud and clear. I got to listen as my husband told my 'friend' about how dumb and pathetic I was. Completely ripping on me and everything about me.
If he had walked up right now and punched me in the face, I think it would have felt better than what I was hearing from the other room. They went on and on. About how pathetic it was that I am a big Elton fan. I'm crazy for it according to them. And no more stories about him or quotes he's said because that's just mental.
Also I guess I can't get any rides home from work anymore because that's the only time I ever call anyone or want to see anyone. And apparently everything I say at work is spread between everyone and they think it's funny. And they all joke about me when I'm not around. And apparently I can't have an opinion about how my husband is treated at work either. I am wrong about everything and my opinions are not those of everyone else. And I am an awful daughter, because I don't starve so I can buy all this stuff for my mom like he does. And because I don't visit her often.
I feel so alone right now it's almost unbearable.