December 30, 2003


Right now I am sitting at the table with my brother. I told him I'd sit here and write in my diary if he sat here and filled out an application he had for a job. It was a deal! He'd been putting off filling it out for a while, so now he can finally turn the thing in. I figured a little motivation was in order :-)
Not too much going on. We went to Best Buy today.....his favorite store for sure. He had a couple of gift cards (we all get him BB cards because it's just that much his fav store), so we went to have a look around. I love roaming around BB, especially with him. You could nose around for hours in there! My brother, of course he loved it. He is like a little kid in a candy shop when he goes there. We had a blast. And I think we looked at everything they had out on the floor. We really got up to no good in the stereo section. We kept turning up all the stereos and boom boxes. We particularly loved one of the really big boom boxes, because it was louder and had more thump than even the home theater display. It was called........get this.....the tower of power - go figure. Then we went over to the car speaker area. Another interesting area. We had fun over there playing with the subs. And my brother found one of those karoake machines....LMFAO! The song on it was sung by a chick, so he picked up the mic and gave his best off key god. His voice was higher than hers.....
Then we came home to some awesome grilled and peppered chicken for supper. My father has definitely NOT lost his chef's touch at all. It was indescribable.
Yum :)

December 28, 2003

An OK Day

Right now I am at my dad and step-mom's house. Today we are celebrating Christmas. We've been up since around 9am making food and getting things ready. I made those pickle things that I always make. Then I filled a tray with meatballs, along with those bacon and water chestnut things of dad's that I just LOVE. We are having a ham too. Dad made the meatballs. They smelled nasty but are probably really good. My step-mom made her famous Christmas apple turnovers. They look really wonderful. Cannot wait to try.
I've been trying really hard to enjoy myself. It's been so hard, but I don't want to be in a bad mood at Christmas, you know? I don't want to look back on this week and wish I'd had more fun.
But, every time I start to have a good time something reminds me of my husband and I get sad or upset again. I tossed and turned all night last night and I've ended up in tears a couple of times already. But, like I said, they are family and that is what they are here for. It's a pretty big change from having no one to talk to in IM. I've closed myself up so much that when I try to talk I can't. Well, I can but I burst into tears first. Then I get out a small fraction of what I wanted to say. Maybe with time it will get easier. I have a feeling when it's time to go back, I'm not going to want to. But I do need to take that last GED test. Even if I don't get my license before I move here, I at least need to get my math test finished.
I haven't called any of my friends here yet. Maybe I will tonight to wish some of them a good Christmas. I'll have to see them eventually but I think I just need to hang out here for a day or two first.
Well I tried to enjoy myself today without a whole lot of success. I've been pretty down all day. I wanted to have a good time, but it just didn't happen. We played a game called Cranium and we all pretty much sucked at it - so it was rather funny! I got a chance to get to know my new sisters and brother a little better. The older sister is awesome. We have a lot of laughs. The younger one is the one I can relate to more though. She just went through a divorce like a year and a half ago or so and she's also the only other smoker here! We escape to the balcony together. She's great to talk to and we both have a thing for hiding out a home.
The new brother I am still trying to figure out. He's very driven and isn't a big laugher, and a little like he's in a protective skin. It's interesting. He is going to help me get a job when I get back. That will help so much. And he told me the pay of the job he has in mind and it's over $11 an hour. I could actually afford to live on my own. It would be awesome.
So, I guess there's a little bit of hope out there.

December 20, 2003

Crazy Shit

I know it's been a while since i wrote in here again. I just haven't felt like writing in here.
So much has happened in the last month and a half or so, that it's still making my head spin. I will try to recap the best that i can.
It all seemed to start in November, when an old acquaintance showed up. My husband's old friend...the one who went to jail after he took off with another friend's car and got arrested for drunk driving with my husband's service weapon in the back?
Well, out of the blue one evening he called here. He was drunk, you could tell. He was all slurring his words. He's like...where do you live? Where is your apartment at? I was like...why? He was all like...well, I'm at Holiday gas station right now and I want to come over. I told him that he needed to go find my husband, who was at work at the time. I called a couple of our friends and told them if they saw my husband that they needed to tell him that this guy was not allowed to stay here. I didn't want him here. I knew what it would be like... I dealt with him enough when we lived in Milwaukee. All he does is drink and then get all pissed off and then bangs his head into walls, throw up on the floor and furniture and then drink more. I was not going through that again.
We ended up getting into a really big fight about it, with me packing some clothes and going to stay over at a friend's house. In the end, my husband found somewhere for the guy to stay, but he was pretty mad about the whole thing. I told him he needed to meet me at the apartment so we could talk about the whole thing, but I didn't think he would actually show up. He did though. We talked for a couple hours. It was at that point that we realized that there was a lot of shit going wrong in our marriage. The whole time we were here talking, our friends were calling each other trying to find out what was going on and whether we were okay or not. At the end of it, we ended our talk with the understanding that we had a lot of things to work on.
After that though, everything started to deteriorate pretty rapidly. In the end, we ended up deciding to split up. Three days after we split up I found out he was sleeping with someone. Of course he was....*sigh* The one thing i asked him was not to cheat on me.
It was like a huge slap in the face. Our marriage meant absolutely nothing to him, which I should have seen coming, his father was exactly the same and that was his example growing up. So why would it be different? Everyone he dates he gets engaged to or gets pregnant and in the end they realize what he really is so he moves right on to the next one. Four years of marriage....was four days in terms of importance to him and I was just another chick to him. All the things I shared with him, that I hadn't been able to tell anyone else, all the love I had for him, and this is how he shows what I meant to him. I guess, at least now i know how he really feels right? Since he never said anything about being unhappy I see that well... now I know.

After we split, I decided to go to my mother's house. Well that was a huge mistake. Come to find out, she's not any different than she always was. She has like five cats living in that little log cabin with her and she lets them do whatever they want. They walk all over the counters and the stove top, pee in the kitchen sink and try to take the food right off a person's plate. It was absolutely disgusting. And she was the same to me as she always been. She started picking on me right away, and was telling me how to dress, do my hair etc. I'm 23 years old! Has she looked in the mirror lately? I'm fairly certain that mini-skirts, scrunchy socks, high tops and puffy hair went out of style about 20 years ago...I'm going to be her 80's clone...
Not only that, but she told me she found me a job, which ended up being about three hours a week. and her car was broke down, so we had no way to get anywhere, and no way for me to finish practicing for my driver's license. And also no way to finish my GED, since she had no car to get me to the mainland for school. All the promises she told me over the phone were just lies. None of it turned out to be true. It was one big dead end and I was even more depressed than ever. So, I walked twenty minutes to a pay phone ( my mom doesn't' have a damned phone because she doesn't like them) and called my husband on my calling card and told him everything mom promised me that was not true. It was like groveling but what could I do? Be trapped there? He agreed I needed to out of there, so he came and got me the next day. I give him credit for that much. I didn't even stop at mom's work to say goodbye. I grabbed some clothes and just left. I left her a letter, explaining why I was leaving, and I told her things I have wanted to tell her, but never have. She always takes everything the wrong way though, so i doubt she understood any of it. Actually more than likely, she'll laugh about it and tell everyone she knows about it instead of taking it seriously. I'm not sure that there is much she takes seriously when it comes to me. I've always just been a source of amusement...and mockery? She doesn't know how to respect me as a person. She never has. How could she ever really understand who I am when she doesn't take any time to try? Oh well, I guess there are some things in our lives that never change. :(

I have been back in IM for probably two weeks now. I have been spending a lot of time with friends, even though I technically am living here at the apartment again. I took the fourth GED test last week and I think i did really good on it too. My last test is on January 13th or so. That is the hardest one though, the math one. After i take that GED test, i am moving to Milwaukee with my dad and step-mom. They were generous enough to offer, so I am taking them up on it. My Milwaukee friends are pretty excited that I am coming back, as is my brother. We hardly get to see each other, so it will be nice to visit with him more often. I missed most of his teenage years, so at least I will get to enjoy the last year of his teens with him. He's a great kid, he's done so much more than I have already, and I look up to him for that.

Right now my big beef is with that desk girl friend of mine from work. I knew this was going to happen and one of my friends was going to get hurt. She is one of those people, who find humor out of picking on others and treating them horribly. She talks about everyone behind their backs and is always turning everyone on each other...and then she laughs about it.
Well, I warned everyone when she first started hanging out with my husband and his friends, but no one would listen. And now look. Now she has everyone in disarray. My friends are fighting and pissed at each other, all because of her. All because of things she said to each of them to pit them against one another. And because of her, one of our friends wanted to end his life yesterday. She is doing it again, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is be there for the friends who get hurt. And the funny thing is, is that one of her friends warned me about it ahead of time. But I didn't say anything, and when I did it was already to late. Well I'm gonna go for now, but I will be back later....
PS: what a great birthday this is gonna be tomorrow. why even bother, you know?