January 16, 2004

A Calmer Mood

I see the last time I wrote in here I let my emotions get the better of me. You know there is just so much I have yet to write down about my marriage, and when I start writing, it just kinda comes flooding out, much of it in anger. I have to say, I really didn't realize just how much hate I have built up against him. So many things over the last four years, it's really incredible. With time I will get it all out though, and then I will be able to completely heal and move on. The other day I also went thru here and read all of my entries, and I did some editing and even deleted a few entries. The reason I did this, is because I decided I wanted to make my journal public. I'm not going to be able to get online very much in a few weeks when I move out on my own, so I wanted this to be were all my online friends can make sure I am doing okay. I will try to get to the library or over to my dad's so I can write in here at least once or twice a week, until I can get my own computer. I think I am going to use my taxes towards getting a new computer. Then I will save up the rest. I will probably get something fairly cheap, like one of those family computers from Wal-mart or something. If I need to down the road I can always add a second hard drive or whatever I need. I was going to let my ex buy me a second hand computer, but I decided I can do it on my own. I don't want to depend on him anymore, and I don't want anything from him. The only time I will be getting a hold of him now, is to find out about the taxes, since his mom is doing them, and when we get the divorce. Then that is it. He wants to be friends like nothing ever happened, but what he doesn't understand is that he broke my heart really bad, and I don't really want to be his friend after all this. He hurt me way too much and seeing him will only make it all come back and hurt again. I noticed the last few weeks that everytime I was near him I wanted to yell and scream at him. And that every time we were talking I always turned the subject back to what he did to me. There is no way I could be normal friends with him. Maybe if he had been more grown up about it and let me know a year ago it was over and hadn't hurt me with all this like he did, then maybe it would be different. But he took the childish way, and now this is what has to happen.
Anyways........ see how fast I get distracted? Like I said, this is now a public diary for everyone to read. I want everyone to be able to know how I am doing, even when I can't get on to chat. I am especially thinking about my Elton friends. They have been so wonderful to me and I love them all so much, and I feel terrible that I hardly get a chance to chat anymore. I worry sometimes that they might think that I am ignoring them, or that I don't think they are important. That is SO not the case. I just don't get a chance to get on that much. And especially now, this being my dad's puter and all, it's hard because sometimes I have to get off of it suddenly and I barely have a chance to say goodbye to them. I know in my heart that they understand, I just don't want them to think that I think they aren't important. ...speaking of elton fans.... one just logged on. whoooooohoooooo!!! :) I gotta run now so i can chat with him. I will try to get on late tonight and write about how it's been going.
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"I'm still standing, better than I ever did! Lookin' like a true survivor, feelin' like a little kid!!!"
-ej "I'm still standing" from the album '2 low 4 zero'

Elton Fun

I'm still on chat with the Elton gang, but I thought i'd
come back here for a bit. I have to get off of here in like
an hour and wanted to be able to write a bit more. Plus,
Cap is writing about an erotic dream he had and i'm trying
to eat my baby carrots without looking at them in an erotic
way!!!!
I got here on the 14th, and have been nice and relaxed
since. I decided the day I got here to try to cut down on
the cigarettes (since I've been smoking between one and two
packs a day, even though they are menthol ultra lights) and
then yesturday I just decided what the hell, might as well
quit while i'm at it. So now it is the 16th and I still
haven't had a cigarette. Bill said he was quitting when he
went back up there. He's said that before, hell so have
I. But this time I am actually going to follow thru with
it. Wonder if he'll have the same luck. Wait a
minute...do I really care??
So I'm in the process of quitting smoking. Fun fun. I have
finished my snack and i am now going to get a piece of
gum. All you smokers out there know, the worst time is
after you eat.
Ok, I got my gum. Jacqi has a huge ziploc bag full of
different kinds of gum. When she found out I was quitting,
she told me to raid it when ever I needed to. I picked out
a kind of gum that is supposed to help clean your teeth and
reduce the harmful acids in your mouth after you eat. Even
better yet! :)
I talked to Matt today. We are going to try to get
together around 6pm today. We are going to go drive around
and maybe go for some coffee. If we do, I want to be far
away from the smoking section. lol
For those of you who don't know, Matt is a friend of mine
I've had since high school. He's like the older brother I
never had. We chum around often when I am in town.
Tomorrow my brother Mike will be coming over. We are
going to do some studying. I need to study for math. The
math was more complicated than i thought, so he's going to
help me with it. In return, I am going to quiz him in
chemistry. He isn't doing too well in there right now and
needs to pull off a B on the semester exam to raise his
grade up. So it will be a weekend filled with studying,
and exercising. He said he'll walk with me too. I walked
four and half miles by myself the other day before i came
down here. Maybe I will try to jog just a little of it
after this weekend. My goal is to be able to jog in
shorter races by summer. Plus it will help with my weight,
and I am extra concerned now that i am quitting smoking,
that i am going to gain weight. So we'll keep our fingers
crossed.
It sounds like dad might be getting up so i gotta run.
Write more tomorrow if i can.
-M

January 15, 2004

From January 12, 2004

I wasn't able to get on a computer when i went back up north after Christmas, so i wrote my entry down. Here it is:

January 12th, 2004
I came back up north on Tuesday, the 6th. On Monday night before I left some of my friends and I went out to Webb's. We spent a good 3 1/2 hours there catching up and just having a good time over coffee. It was just like the old days, all of us laughing, picking on each other and telling old stories from high school.
Also, on Sunday Dad, my step-mom and I had a blast watching the Packer Game. They made it into the playoffs and that game was nuts. It went into overtime and the only reason we won, was because they intercepted the ball and ran it all the way back for a TD. Can you believe that my uncle's favorite team...the Colts, are in the playoff's too? I bet he is just besides himself. I guess now we can't pick on him anymore for having a shitty team....
So anyways, my husband and two of his friends picked me up around 6:30pm. He came in the door, but didn't come up the stairs. My step-mom gave me a hug in the livingroom, and said she didn't want to see him, which was understandable. Dad brought one of my bags down for me and said hi to him. He said hi back real quick and then kinda looked away. It was pretty funny though, when I was walking down those stairs with dad behind me he probably didn't know if dad was going to hit him or shake his hand. He had that 'deer in the headlight' look on his face for a minute there. It was just too funny. I mean, this is MY dad we are talking about here. I don't think he could hurt a fly.....
You know, that whole week and a half I was at my dad's, I had a lot of time to think. I realize that my husband never was the one for me. I need someone who is happy and full of life and laughter - not someone who complains ALL the time. I want someone who is more family oriented. Not that I want kids, but someone who can at least have a good time when with the family. I even have him on tape when we were at my grandma's bitching because we were there. Every time I went down there and he did that, he would ruin the whole weekend for me. He never understood that it was the one time a year that I could forget all my problems and just have fun and enjoy my family. Even Dad's wedding was like this. All he did was bitch about how he wanted to go see his friends instead of going to the wedding. It never mattered how much the wedding meant to me and my family, all he could think about was that he wasn't doing what he wanted to do. Not one time did I ever complain about having to go over to his family's house. Isn't that part of what marriage is supposed to be about? Doing things for each other even if you don't necessarily want to?? Give and take... you do this for him and he does this for you?
I also want someone who wants to actually do things as a couple. He never wanted to do this. The one time he actually took me out to a nice dinner, where we actually dressed up and everything, he decided on the way there to pick his friend up and take him with us. Oh, so romantic....
I'd really like to find a guy who doesn't pay all of his attention to his friends. His mom brought that up to me a few times, that I was letting him have too much freedom, but I'm not one of those women that needs the man there all the time. The problem became that he was always with the friends.... not good. His friends became the most important people in our relationship. I honestly don't see why he doesn't just marry his friends....
And of course, when I told him I was terrified of an alcoholic friend who came up after running from jail that wanted to hide out at our place, and I sat there for hours crying about it in front of him, you'd think he would be like, 'ok, lets find somewhere else for him to stay'....no. He brought him there anyways. Then he held it against me. He didn't care that I was scared. Or that the guy was wanted. He also let another friend move in who'd been in and out of jail. I told him it wasn't going to work, but did he listen, of course not. Just recently now he had to kick that friend out and they aren't friends anymore. I was right, but does that matter? No. I mean marriage is all about communication and compromise right? Tell him that, he never had a clue.
I'd like a man who understands that when you are married, that it is just the two of you living in the house. Not you, me and 1...2...3...4 friends living there as well.
I really don't want a man who cannot:
-balance his checkbook
-pick up after himself including putting the butter away instead of leaving it out for days
-shave daily....instead of once a month
-fold the laundry when it comes out of the dryer so it doesn't wrinkle, instead of cramming it all in the basket and leaving it for me to do
-rinse his dishes, instead of leaving stuff like syrup and BBQ sauce on the plates to harden
-take out the garbage....BEFORE there are 8 bags of it piled up by the door
-pay his bills on time
-keep the car clean...so people don't have to wander through a sea of soda bottles and wrappers to sit down
-shower daily.....so people aren't offended
-make the bed....
-write to his buddies in jail....pretty bad when I wrote to the person but he wouldn't...

I'd really like to find a man with goals. Someone who knows what they want in life and aren't afraid to keep moving forward, keep learning and keep discovering.
I definitely don't want someone who is close minded, totes a vault full of guns with them, or wants to restrict my rights in any way.
I want someone who is artistic enough to go to shows or write something heartfelt.
I want someone who is smart enough to research something they don't know about instead of making up an answer.
I want someone who respects other people even if they don't agree with them and who understands that every human being deserves food, shelter, health care and the means for an education and personal growth.
I want a man who isn't so wrapped up in his own desires that he impregnates every woman he has a relationship with.
Oh, I could go on and on but I won't.
You get the idea....
-M