June 30, 2010

Having a good day today.

I'm happy, I'm motivated, I'm going outside today, I feel human... dressed up and did hair and makeup and all.

Hope you are having as good a day as I am.

June 29, 2010

Will write a proper post later.

My therapist talked with my psychiatrist and they upped my ritalin and my celexa....

Actually, they doubled my celexa.... I'm not sure what to think about it yet. It kicked in about 20 minutes ago and I've been happily staring at my screen since then lol.

They warned to take it easy for a couple days until my body gets used to it.

No kidding.

The world doesn't need pot...it just needs celexa...

Jeez!

:P

-M

I'm only minutes away from going... I love you maaaaaaaaaan.... wow. ;)

First therapist appt. in less than an hour.

Haven't had any real anxiety for a few weeks now... almost forgot what it was like... okay not really lol but it's been nice to not have it for a while.

Well, it's back. My stomach is nicely rolling and all. Why do I get like this every time I try to do the whole therapist thing?

Arg!

I'll write how it went later.

-M

June 28, 2010

Things I'm remembering

And thinking about this evening.

I had a bit of a conversation on yahoo messenger with a friend of mine. I've been friends with him since the first year I was in high school. I've been remembering little bits and pieces of thing that I haven't remembered before going on the meds and it's very very slowly lifting just the tiniest bit of haze off my younger years.

Basically, I apologized to him. I told him I should have been there more for him. That because of all my problems I was very tunnel visioned. I must have been a very...complicated friend to have at that time. I'm sure I am now as well. Only then I think I was a lot worse emotionally.

I think this is something I will be dealing with a lot. The reality of the things I've done over the years, things I've said, things I haven't done that I should have... I'm not really looking forward to realizing these things but I'm sure it is going to keep happening. It's just a little...sobering.

-M

June 27, 2010

Stuff For Today...

I was hoping my new book would come yesterday, but not yet. I looked through the books that JP has on the bookshelf and found one that looked interesting for now. Since I am now a resident in this state, maybe I should go to the library hey? Bet I could find plenty to read.

Most people probably think ADD/ADHD and reading don't go together but you'd be surprised. It's all about the book. If it gets my attention, the opposite happens and I hyperfocus on it. It's why I have been know to read 200-400 page books within a few days. Unfortunately if you were to ask me questions about the book after I've finished it, many times, I can't remember. So it's good and bad. It's why sometimes I'll read a novel again after a while. Because I don't remember and it's sort of like reading it for the first time.

Anyhow, things for today.

I still need to burn that disk for my uncle and do my nails. I got going for a little bit yesturday and then got distracted by stuff. At least I got a few things done though. I also need to finish the link page for our EJ blog and try to scour the net for pics from Elton's Ball the other day. Heard plenty about it...but no pics. Everyone says if it's on the net I can find it.... not so sure this time, but I'll try.

Almost got the SSI paperwork finished that came yesturday. So much work. Meds helped me get through it mostly in one shot though. I also need to make a list of stuff to ask the other doc when I go in this week. Otherwise we all know what we'll happen...I'll forget half of what I want to say.

Oooh I totally slept through some storms last night! I did manage to wake up for like two minutes but that was it. All I know, is it was really windy and not sure if it was hailing or what, but some sort of precip was hitting the balcony doors! Sounded like a good one from the little I heard of it. I'm mad I didn't get up and watch!

Hope everyone is well. Make a comment and say hi! I know you are reading....

-M

June 26, 2010

And on with the list...

I got a decent amount accomplished yesterday, including the unplanned challenge of cleaning the coffee pot (I have no idea why...I just wanted to do it). In the end I got around half my list done.

So for today I want to:

Organize my stuff by the PC...which I already did after I got up today...
Finish EJ links
Burn the pic disk for my uncle
Do my nails
Scan in some stuff for my friend.

Easy to accomplish I would think.

Hope everyone is having a good day :)

-M

June 25, 2010

Gonna Enjoy My Arvo :)

Gonna listen to some EJ & MJ and got a small list of stuff I want to get done....

-Put dried dishes away
-Do up the few dishes to be washed
-Jump In The Shower
-Redo my finger & toe nails
-Organize my stuff by the computer
-Clear top of my dresser
-Finish links for EJ blog
-Organize my stuff on the pc
-Burn disk for Denny
-Scan more stuff for Tracey
-Fill meds box
-Make/Eat dinner

....I think that is it....

Going to challenge myself to get all of it done by 7pm....woot ;)

June 24, 2010

Stomach Ache gooo awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

Yep still got it, less than before though. So I'm hoping maybe sometime tomorrow it will make a swift exit and leave...It's been almost three days...ack!

Now, it's time for some zzzzzzzzzzzz's..... As JP calls them, my "2T's" have kicked in and it's nappy time.

-M

How I am spending June 25th.

I'll probably be on the computer most of the day, as it is JP & Zak's anniversary and I'm sure they will be out spending the day together, as will they in the evening having dinner.

I sort of want to be around online in case any of my MJ friends need someone. I'll do a few things on my list of stuff to do as well, so at least I'll get a few things accomplished.

Every fan has their own way of dealing with the one year anniversary of his death. Many are very very sad. Some will probably watch videos and listen to music and go on the forums and write things for him. The really lucky ones will be dropping off things at Forest Lawn. I've seen there will be many tv and radio tributes and many fan gatherings. It will be good.

I am choosing to make tomorrow a joyous occasion and not a sad one. I've spent time lately being sad and down and I don't want to do that now. I won't use tomorrow as a reason to get down again. I want to spend the day enjoying his music and watching a few of my favorite videos and just enjoying his talents and his L.O.V.E. he tried to share with everyone.

I know many people don't understand why I am a fan of him. I'm to the point in life where I don't think it's important that I explain it. Either someone gets it, or they don't. I remember I used to hide the CD's I had of him in my dresser when I lived in various places. Because people would be so fast to make fun. I carted my Dangerous CD with me each place I moved for a long time. Now there is the glory of digital and ipods so I don't have to.

So anyhow, I can't believe it's about to be a year already. I remember waking up and coming out of my bedroom in Australia, and Tracey was like, right there. Before I could see the TV or the internet. She told me they were saying on TV that he might have died. I laughed, said oh they are doing THAT again eh? Twenty minutes later I was sobbing in front of the computer :(

I hope his family is coping okay and that his children are thriving and learning and also, remembering all the love he gave them. I had to laugh when I saw that both Paris and Blanket put short vids on youtube...their dad would have been so mad!!! But it was awesome to see them being regular goofy kids. I think they'll do okay, they just need stability and love and patience.

I'm closing this post with something HAPPY about MJ. This is one of my favorite compilations. Every once in a while, I just have to watch it again. I think.....what amazes me, are his FEET ;) They never stop moving... As a child, he'd hide behind the stage curtain and watch Jackie Wilson perform...I think he was taking notes :)

Take the 3 and a half minutes....and watch the video. Remember why so many liked to watch him move:



Michael Joseph Jackson
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009





MJ Drawings & Writings

Some people don't know it but besides singing, dancing & writing songs, MJ could also draw. WELL. I'd love to be able to draw like he did...or at all lol.

Here's a few examples, along with something he wrote on a notepad during the trial.






June 23, 2010

Few Other Pics From The Lake

Did some reading since I can't be in hot sun very long. Thanks to my Aunt, I had a good book to read ;)

I really wanted a good shot of him...but no...he wouldn't stay friggin still even for a second...


Random shot....


The Lake :) Was a nice sunny day too.


I'll get some more piccys as we may go again and walk around and see what is all out there ;)

-M

JP's Sunburn

So, she got sunburned while fishing a few days ago, then wanted to even it out a bit. She put sunscreen on the sunburn and left the rest of her back without.

This was her sunburn before she tried that....

And this is what happened when she tried the master plan of hers....

Okay so...what is the lesson here kids??? :P

On the plus side, she said it didn't actually hurt, which is really good. It sure LOOKED like it would hurt though hey???

-M

And it goes on....

Still have the endless stomach ache. *Ugh* It's not really sharp or anything. Just a sort of dull ache that won't stop. I've had some heartburn too and little burps. I went to Walmart and was able to get that Zantac 75. You can only take two a day. Took the second one a little while ago. Drinking water and not eating anything. We'll see how it goes by morning.

My Aunt brought up an interesting point. She asked if I had the 'family stomach' and I was like, 'the what?' And she reminded me about so many in our family (8 or 9?) having hiatal hernia. I'd forgotten about that. Dad always said to keep an eye out for it too, but I've always had stomach problems (and GI problems) and just took a lot of Rolaids and went about my day. If I get medicaid I'll look into it. Might be able to get something stronger if I do. Of course, I can't take any antacids now, or things like Prilosec or even Pepto Bismol, so I'll have to ask what I all can use. They had a stronger Zantac there but I was being a cheapskate and got the one that cost less :P

Hopefully by tommorrow it will go away :)

-M

Woohoo A/C is ON!!

Zomg it feels better already in here...

And I have a huge list of stuff to do today so I can get it done because I won't be sluggish from it being like 90 here...

Totally stoked!

Will post a pic or two from the lake yesterday, later on today. First it's off to Walmart to get something for my stomach ache and a few other things ;)

-M

This.....

I read the first few pages of the book I have coming here, called Scattered Minds, (thanks to amazon's sneak peek) that everyone who has Adult ADD or works with patients who do says is not just good, but almost like a survival bible. I am not sure how good it will be but I'm willing to give it a read.

This....stood out to me in those first few pages...

June 22, 2010

Very Warm Again...

Got a few bits of running around to do today but then we are thinking of going out by the lake for a bit. JP wants to try and 'even out' her sunburn she got a few days ago while fishing :P I just need to get out of the house. And sunlight is good and I think there is some of that today...finally!

I'm going to wear just shorts, tshirt and flipflops and i'm going to put a lot of sunscreen on... taking water too. I'm going to charge up the camera batteries in a bit and take it with and try to get some nice shots :D Should be nice!

Might take my new book from my Aunt with, just in case we do end up sitting a bit. Might find me a nice tree to sit under and read a little :)

Hope everyone has a good day too :)

-M

June 21, 2010

Interesting article...

I think this is an interesting article. It makes a lot of good points. I won't stop my medication or anything but it's still interesting to think about. I do know, with major depression, it's very hard to get out of the house. Hrmmmm......


At his research clinic in Dallas, psychologist Jasper Smits is working on an unorthodox treatment for anxiety and mood disorders, including depression. It is not yet widely accepted, but his treatment is free and has no side effects. Compare that with antidepressant drugs, which cost Americans $10 billion each year and have many common side effects: sleep disturbances, nausea, tremors, changes in body weight.

This intriguing new treatment? It's nothing more than exercise.

That physical activity is crucial to good health - both mental and physical - is nothing new. As early as the 1970s and '80s, observational studies showed that Americans who exercised were not only less likely to be depressed than those who did not, but were also less likely become depressed in the future.

In 1999, Duke University researchers demonstrated in a randomized controlled trial that depressed adults who participated in an aerobic exercise plan improved as much as those treated with sertraline, the drug that was marketed as Zoloft, and was earning Pfizer more than $3 billion annually before its patent expired in 2006.

Subsequent trials have repeated these results, showing again and again that patients who undergo aerobic exercise regimens see comparable improvement in their depression as those treated with medication, and that both groups do better than patients given only a placebo. But exercise trials on the whole have been small and most have run only for a few weeks; some are plagued by methodological problems. Still, despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: Exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depressive symptoms, but appears to prevent them from recurring.

"I was really surprised that more people weren't working in this area when I got into it," says Smits, an associate professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University.

Molecular biologists and neurologists have also begun to show that exercise may alter brain chemistry in much the same way that antidepressant drugs do - regulating the key neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine. At the University of Georgia, neuroscience professor Philip Holmes and colleagues have shown that over the course of several weeks, exercise can switch on certain genes that increase the brain's level of galanin, a peptide neurotransmitter that appears to tone down the body's stress response by regulating another brain chemical, norepinephrine.

The result is that exercise primes the brain to show less stress in response to new stimuli. In the case of lab rats and mice, that stimuli include being plunged into very cold water or being suspended by the tail. And while those are not exactly problems that most people face, the thinking is that the human neurochemical response may well react similarly, with exercise leaving our brain less susceptible to stress in the face of harmless but unexpected events, like a missed appointment or getting a parking ticket. A little bit of mental strain and excess stimulation from exercise, in other words, may help us to keep day-to-day problems in perspective.

Researchers also wonder whether this interaction between body and brain may, evolutionarily speaking, be hard-wired. "It occurs to us that exercise is the more normal or natural condition, and that being sedentary is really the abnormal situation," Holmes says. (Comment on this story.)

Humans (and lab rats) never evolved to be cooped up, still, all day long. Our brains simply may not be built for an environment without physical activity. Research has also suggested that exercise may be an effective treatment not just for depression, but also against related anxiety disorders and even substance dependence.

Other scientists have found that, in mammals, exercise also boosts the production of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a substance that supports the growth and maintenance of brain cells. In depressed patients, BDNF has been shown to help repair brain atrophy, which can lift symptoms of the disease.

Back in Dallas, Smits says his exercise treatment appeals to patients for two main reasons. First, exercise doesn't carry the same stigma among patients (and some providers) that depression medication and psychotherapy do. Second, the mood-enhancing benefits of exercise can kick in fast - a lot faster than, say, its impact on weight loss or cardiovascular health. "By and large, for most people, when they exercise 30 minutes - particularly when it's a little bit more demanding, and they get their heart rate up - they feel better," Smits says. "You get an immediate mood lift."

That effect doesn't reflect the longer-term changes in the brain that Holmes studies. But Smits uses the immediate mood boost as a way to motivate patients with depression (which, of course, manifests in a chronic lack of motivation) to get moving. Instead of a barrier to exercise, Smits suggests, depression becomes a reason to exercise. "You feel crappy, so you get on the treadmill, and you look back and you say, 'Wow I feel much better,'" he says.

Yet for all the potential clinical benefits, the big questions about exercise treamtent remain unanswered: How much? How long? In which patients? In their recent book for therapists, Exercise for Mood and Anxiety Disorders (Oxford University Press, 2009), Smits and co-author Michael Otto at Boston University suggest precise exercise doses that they hope will aid psychologists and primary-care doctors in prescribing exercise as treatment, which can be administered in combination with other treatments, of course.

Smits and Otto recommend the familiar 30 minutes of moderate-intensity aerobic exercise, like walking, five times per week, or 30 minutes of high-intensity aerobic exercise three times a week. These doses, which are regularly recommended for physical fitness, are the only ones that have been well tested for depression. "But we can't say at this point that more wouldn't be better," Smits says. "Or maybe less would be better. We really don't know." Too few tests have been run. It is also unclear whether anaerobic exercise, like weight lifting, would have the same mood-lifting effects - or whether exercise works as well in severely depressed patients as it does in sufferers of mild or moderate depression.

For now, then, data on exercise are only suggestive. The clinical literature on antidepressant drugs is massive, since large-scale, rigorous studies are required for market approval from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). The trials on exercise have all been smaller, perhaps in part because it needs no government approval. "If you look at FDA standards [for evidence], it's not clear that exercise would meet that standard," says James Blumenthal, the Duke University professor of medical psychology who ran Duke's 1999 exercise study, as well as a 2007 follow-up with more than 200 patients, which Blumenthal believes is the largest-ever such trial to date.

But the evidence is mounting, and it's hard to argue with a free treatment that is exempt from side effects for a pervasive and debilitating mental health scourge - especially when so many other health benefits of exercise are incontrovertible. "I think that we have reason to be optimistic. For people who at least want to consider exercise as a possible treatment, and for whom exercise is safe, it's definitely worth a shot," Blumenthal says.

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June 20, 2010

More storms and more pretty sunsets :)

They just keep on coming here. Definately no shortage of dangerous and colorful skies here!

Here's a couple:






:)
-M

ADD annoyances: #2

I want to try to remember to keep up with this, it's an interesting way to track symptoms a bit, as well as provide a bit of humour...that helps me deal with it all :)

So....

ADD annoyances: #2

Daydreaming while writing something monotonous like study notes (yes I can daydream and write notes at the same time...and do it almost all the time when writing by hand...) and realizing later that due to this, you've fouled something up in your notes. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Prime example that caused me to write this post:

*sigh*

Not a big deal but you know, what if this was something at a job? Or on a test? And I did this with the Ritalin in my system, a few days ago. I've had some success with the Ritalin but I can foresee a bump in the dosage coming.... many have told me that it can take a while to get the med doses right for each person, so I take it all in with humor and patience ;)

-M

Happy Father's Day ;)

June 17, 2010

For 2 hours today...there was no nonstop stuff in my head.

I'm stoked about it!!!!

Imagine having the equivalent of like 20 TV's going on in your head, pretty much all the time. It's hard to pay attention or learn stuff or remember things..because a lot of times, you are too busy paying attention to the TV's... And this goes on almost your entire life. You get used to it, you learn to pretty much multitask because although you are doing things, you are only half paying attention most of the time.

Then, one day, for about two hours, IT STOPS. There is nothing, just quiet and peace. You listen to music in a different way because you are fully listening to it or look at things outside with more attention to details....and it's lovely.

That was pretty much what it was like for about two hours of my day today. It was AWESOME. I couldn't believe it. I had just started curling the back of JP's hair when I noticed it. It lasted until we got to the bank I believe. It was really great.

Oh I really really hope it happens for a while again tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, it will soon be like that every day.

*hoping*

-M

June 16, 2010

Stormz! :D

Had another storm roll through here. The best part of it was the wind. It got very very windy for a little while. Zak and I ended up going outside IN the storm when it was super windy. It was awesome to feel the power of the wind...although the rain from the storm was a tad....COLD :P

Still very neat though :D Afterwards the sunset was really really awesome. It had reds and oranges on one end and pinks and purples on the other. I took pictures but they aren't the best, my camera has issues with graininess during lower light, even with the settings correct. Drives me nuts. Anyhow, a quick video clip and a few pics:


video








One day I'll get a better quality camera that will be able to handle the low lighting conditions better ;)

-M

My ADD annoyances: #1

I'm going to start a list, sometimes annoying, sometimes probably funny. It's going to be my list of Adult ADD annoyances. I have to live with this, I might as well make it entertaining...

My ADD annoyances: #1. Not seeing things right in front of me.
How often does this happen?? Many many times a day unfortunately, not just once in a while.

Yesterday afternoon -
Me looking all over the table..gives up after a few minutes.
M: "Where's the stapler, I've looked all over and can't find it"
JP gives M a funny and slightly amused look.
M, realizes it's been almost right in front of her the entire time....
M: "oh godamnitall!"

-M

(and thanks to Joanna for the format, I love when you do this in your blog!!)

June 12, 2010

Ok....

I just wanna say...

I'm friggin ROASTING. It's not even super hot out! But we have the A/C off and just fans on. My new meds do say side effects include sweating more, getting overheated faster, etc.... does help!! Can't they make one with a side effect where you are COLD??! I'd take it!! :P

-M

So It's Official

Wanted to put a little in the public one, because anyone who thinks they know someone who has it or know someone who's kid might have it...you would be doing them a huge favor and save them years of struggles.

This week I was officially diagnosed with Adult ADD. The only reason I'm writing this in my public blog is for what I said above and also because I know how hard school is when you can't seem to focus and concentrate but have no idea why. I went through twelve years of public schooling and nobody came close to realizing. I have so many stories of hard times for me in school...daydreaming in class...being called on while daydreaming and having no clue what was going on, not remembering things teachers said, losing or not doing homework, being massively unorganized, not being very motivated, having horrible grades but knowing I could do better...but just couldn't figure out why I wasn't....

They figure I was around 6 when it started. It's like a silent torturer...it hits at your self esteem and confidence and after a while you can't get up in front of the class, because you know you won't have the right answer and it turns into it's own separate problem. You take an F in gym class because you know you won't remember all the rules when it is during the game and you have to apply them. You drop out of classes when they get too hard and you get too frustrated. Then you just start leaving school. Only I was playing sick to leave school in first grade.... I could read novels when I was ten but I couldn't problem solve or listen to a teacher lecture without drifting off somewhere else.

I was probably missed because I wasn't the hyper type of ADD, I was the quieter type. I was nice and good and behaved....yet I had massive difficulties. Everyone wrote it off for one thing or another, yet my report cards said things like....'very nice girl, just needs to apply herself' and 'a joy to have in class but needs to do her homework'.

CLICK HERE to read a bit about the 'other' type of Attention Deficit, the Inattentive type, the quiet one that nobody realizes is having a problem. Maybe someone else will realize a kid has it and get them help so they can get through school and college.

-M

June 5, 2010

Warm Days....

Yesterday was warm out, today too, though not quite as bad. Was 93 in here yesterday and didn't even put the air on....wooohooooo lol

I'm bored....typing on here. Made a massive post in the other blog of mine.

JP & ZK are playing video games. They haven't sucked me into that one yet!!! I SHALL RESIST!!! lol I have enough problems being addicted to the internet... I don't NEED any more things!! :P

I have no idea what each is playing, been at it for hours. JP will have to comment and say what they are ;) All I know is she was whining at some character on her game who insulted her...I told her to beat the fucker up! She said something about being able to lob his head off.... LMAO!

Not much else going on. Tons of storms in the area last night...not ONE made it directly over us though....boo :((((

June 4, 2010

Bored

Have the house all to myself today. Was blogging earlier but then the internet went out... boo! :((( So for the moment I've got a much lower wifi connect on JP's laptop. No idea if the modem just went out or what. Zak is like the internet guru here so we'll see if he can figure it out when they get back ;)

I also was right in the middle of talking to Tracey & Bruce on messenger from France! They were probably like...where the hell did she go??!! haha
Tracey said they like a lot of things about France and then there are many things they don't like. I've heard that before from others as well. Don't want to say too much, when they get back to the UK, she'll be blogging about it, as Blogger wouldn't work right for her at the .net cafe they were at.

I have been so worried about my gums but have a while until I can go to the dentist, so I got myself a Waterpik (aka oral irrigation). You basically use it instead of flossing and it shoots water at your gums. I did a lot of reading online first about it and many that have had severe gingivitis and early stages of periodontal disease have gotten rid of it with a good cleaning at the dentist and using a water pik. The jet of water basically gets more than flossing can and it also flushes bacteria out. I've used it three days and many areas of my gums are starting to turn pink instead of being maroon red. I am very curious to see how they will be in say, another week. Right now they bleed when I use it, but they do the same when I would floss. I read after a week or two that will stop as the gums heal up some. When I can, I will definately go for a cleaning to get that yucky tartar build up off. Been swishing with a lot of salt water too after using the Waterpik.

Making a lot of progress in finding my old medical records and in gathering things like family history. Amazingly I may even end up with my baby records from after I was born, when I was transfered to a better hospital and was there a month or more. Would be interesting to see hey?
Once I have all my records, I'm making my own copies to keep in a medical folder for myself, so I never have to go through this hassle again.

New job is going well, next week I get to train on cooking, woohoo.

Loads of storms in the area right now.... watching the radar. Three tornado warnings at once just a bit southeast of here. I want a storm!!! :P

How is everyone? Leave me a comment so I know people read me ;)
-M

June 1, 2010

I'm Not Sure How Much To Write

I haven't been on very much lately and I want to say just a bit why, so if I need to reference about it here I can and it makes sense, but I don't want to go a lot into detail either. I'm basically in the process of possibly being diagnosed with a form of ADHD. No, not the kind you think of, where the person is hyper and loud and disruptive. Many don't realize there are different subtypes. We are looking at the 'predominantly inattentive' one. And before you go, oh she wouldn't have that... you'd be surprise how often it goes undiagnosed. Big clues are things like procrastination, inability to organize properly, difficulties remembering things, inability to finish projects, tiredness most of the time, a lot of daydreaming, doing very poorly in school, etc.... and comes with lot of extra goodies over time like depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol issues, self harm, etc... which leads to fun times like losing jobs or not being able to show up for them or just quitting them, problems with relationships, problems with post secondary education, etc.

Anyone want to join in the party?? (kidding)

A big thing about it, as psychiatrists put it...is the phrase, 'looks can be deceiving'. This probably is true in my case if people around me are surprised by all of this. But honestly, many aren't THAT surprised and either am I. I'm not because I've been dealing with all sorts of problems my whole life, there just wasn't a name for all of them. I just thought it was me. I can tell you too that I hate it, and always have. And it's probably why I don't think very highly of myself. It's caused me to do all sorts of stupid things and more times than I can imagine I wanted or tried to just give up. On good days, I say I'm lucky I'm still here. On bad days, I wonder why the hell I'm still here. It can sort of feel like you are trapped. After years of it, it wears you down.

Just to now un-worry anyone who might be worried, don't, I've been going through a good phase with my mood for some time now. So relax ;) It's just I still can't concentrate. I switched jobs and part, not all, but part of the reason, was because I wasn't retaining the information I was trying to learn there. Sometimes that happens with me. It's nobody's fault, it just is the way it is. Or so I thought. Now, I have a little bit of hope that it might change. And yes, I like the new job much better. It's one I've done before, maybe a little more high tech now, but I think I'll be okay there.

I can't wait to go in and see this doc though. God I have SO much to say. I'm pretty sure I know how it will go though and I'll have so much to say and so much that I've internalized that I won't hardly be able to say anything or out of frustration from all these years just start sobbing. I have no idea. What I do know, is that it helps to have things written down. When you forget stuff fast and frequently...it's good to write them down while they are there. I've hand written like 50 pages in a new journal within the last couple of days.... writing down things I remember that might be important, taking notes off things family is telling me about, etc. I figure that way if I can vocalize it, I still have it and the doctor can read it. There are always ways around the barriers....

I'm in a weird mood tonight and I have no idea how to explain it. I'm happy because I got multiple emails back today that were helpful. I'm a little scared at the information that was in one of them.

I got a little peek into the family history of my mom's side. (I can say at least a little bit here because I've never used my name in this blog, thankfully, and know that only people who know me will have any idea who I mean)
Looking at my mother and her mother, there is a very strong link. They both have/had suffered from mental illness. I won't say what they have, but they both have things, been diagnosed. And I've heard stories that my mom's great grandmother did as well. I want to get mad, because it isn't fair. Why do I get this kind of curse? Why do I have to suffer so much inner torment year after year with nobody understanding? Why don't I get to be like everyone else? What good is it being smart if you can't retain it and can't control things? I know I don't want to work at a gas station for the rest of my life. But I can't retain and remember enough to do any more than that. It would have been better if I was unaware of it but I am very very aware of it every day.

I also got my high school transcript from my high school. You want to see about the worst a school record can look... take a peek at mine. In four years, I only got to sophmore level based on credits earned. I had no A's, 5 B's, 8 C's, 14 D's and 16 F's...and 7 withdrawals, when I finally dropped out. I earned myself a whopping 1.080 grade point average over four years. There is a part of me that wants to be like....where the hell was everyone??? Could they not see something was seriously wrong?? And it wasn't just high school either, I know that in 7th grade they passed me with 4 D's and an F. And I can only imagine what my attendance was like.... In high school I bet once a week I wasn't there or just left at random during the day.

It's very frustrating to see so many signs...

I also got an amazing email from a lady in my hometown after emailing looking for old medical records. When I was going through a bad phase lighting fires and getting arrested, etc. when I was 13, I was put in a facility for a while to try to figure out what was going wrong. It didn't do any good, because I definitely wasn't wanting to work with them in any way, but amazingly, the city still has my records. And not just from that visit but a few times later on that I had wanted to 'give up' and either family or friends hauled me in for help. So that will be very very good for my doctor to have. I am still digging for other stuff though. I'd really like to have some of my old report cards from grade school....and I'm pretty sure I have them at mom's. I got a message from her today that she is going to dig up medical records she has, report cards and school stuff I had saved and journals and scrapbooks too. I'm going to send her a bit of money, so she can send them to me. I also asked family and friends to help with stories and things they can think of because the doc needs a very good history on me to diagnose correctly. I get impatient but I know my family will help as they have time. I need all the help and support and just the we are trying to understand you type response while I go through this.

So yeah, that's why I haven't been blogging much, I've been preoccupied. And when I get on a roll with something, everything else takes a back seat, I get pretty tunnel visioned. JP had to drag me away from writing in my journal yesturday and go photograph outside, because I just wanted to only do THAT. It's part of the problems I have....

Anyhow,
I'm going to go now, want to call my dad yet, who has been really understanding. After all these years, he still is.
-M