July 30, 2010

Sigh

So, once again, I've been shown how good it was for me, that I left my ex! The more I see his behavior in the last couple of years, the more I realize how extremely bad it would have been if I'd stayed. He is very different from the person I first met in 2000, and not for the better at all.

-M

July 28, 2010

Bad Post

Need a minute to bitch.

Strattera Day 14.

I can see why everyone talks about the side effects..... for fuck's sake!!

My main side effects by week:
these tend to go away as new ones come out....
-by weeks i mean five days-

Week One: Tiredness, Heartburn and Constipated (sorry...)
Week Two: Headaches, muscle aches & burning, and the shits.
Week Three: Fever, Chills, Malaise

What will 'week four' hold in store??? DO I WANNA KNOW???

I have one day left at 25mg and then it's the big jump to 40mg. In the house we have tylenol, ibuprofen, tea, popsicles, anti shits stuff and anti heartburn stuff. Hoping what ever I get goes away after like a week or two, then it would be fine.

I have no idea what has been good, if anything yet. They warned me it can take over a month to see anything happen. There could be little things happening... But I'm too preoccupied with the side effects to notice....

I know people wanted to keep tabs on how it was going, so after a week on 40mg, I'll let you know.

-M

Good Post

I got approved for Medicaid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!! That's two things that have now gone in my favor. Very happy about it. :)

July 26, 2010

A Little Better.

Well, JP talked me into taking a Ritalin. I can do that still, when I'm really worn down, as I transition into the Strattera. I'm now assuming a lot of my crabbiness was just me being tired. Because I do feel a little happier and energetic.

I'm talking JP into going for a walk...yay!!!

Meh.

All I can say today

is I'm crabby.

No clue why.

I know I slept like shit.

I know I'm so under stimulated with conversation is depressing.

I know I want to go outside but can't.

I know I miss my family like crazy.

And the meds are probably making me crabby too.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

-M

July 25, 2010

Zombieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Feeling a bit like a zombie today....

I went from 18 mg to 25 mg on the Strattera today, so I have five days at 25 mg, then I go to 40 mg which is where we want to keep me for a while. I'm just like............ blablablablabla :P
I have no idea if it's helping. When I'm more with it, in a day or two, then I'll write a post about it.

Hey did you all hear about my home town??? It was like floodageddon there! Holy cow! I was listening to the MFD radio feed online and it sounded like they were having a hell of a time keeping up with calls. While I listened they rescued three people out of the river with dive teams, have an amazing number of calls for people trapped in floating cars, people were stuck at the ballpark because water had surrounded it, a sinkhole opened up in an intersection and swallowed a person in their SUV, there were hundreds just sitting on the expressway because water had closed it down, some people's basements collapsed under their houses, there were electricity lines still live and whipping around starting things on fire, there were at least two house fires, tons of medical emergencies and to top it off there were at least two tornadoes in the area.... it was like....damn! I leave and miss all the excitement! (feel bad for everyone but you know me... i would have been out there with my camera lol)

A few pics I found from it:








All pics from jsonline.com

July 22, 2010

:)

Today has been just a little better. Went to the store today...still not eating much because of the strattera...so this was lunch:

Better than nothing....made what I did eat, count. Went to the store and bought things like sushi, crab, salad, fruit and whole grain bread. Trying very hard to stay away from processed crap for a while.

For taking me over there and back, I bought JP her favorite cookies ;) As soon as we got back she was digging right into them lol.

Still have the neckache, but the headache is barely there. I've been doing stretches for my neck and taking very hot showers just to get the hot water on my neck. Last night i piled a whole bunch of fluffy pillows on the floor (instead of sleeping on the couch) so that I could sleep on something much softer. I think it all helped a bit. Hoping another day or two and it will be gone! It's miserable! Having issues with like, muscle soreness? You know that feeling when you go up a few flights of stairs and your muscles in your legs start to burn a bit? It's like that, and it happens when I move my legs. Not constantly just a bit here and there. This med has weird side effects!

Started taking my Strattera in the morning again, and so far that is going okay which is good. It's doing little bits of things already. Today I was all about getting my laundry all set to go for tomorrow and doing dishes because I felt like it, and grocery shopping and organizing my things by the computer and working on my journal.

I can see how it shows up just a bit now in little ways. I sure hope it's a good sign!

Ooooh and check out the coffee creamer I picked up:

Turns out it is REALLY good ;)

-M

July 21, 2010

.....

Just making a fast little post for today. I still feel like crap. Neck hurts in the back and on the side...head hurts all the way around it... fdfjdfjiejfjewfjwgjwjgwejgjwe !!!!!
Even with tylenol it still only cuts it down some.

I was thinking how this all started right after I started taking the Strattera in the evening. It's possible, I read taking Strattera and Thorazine at the same time might not be such a great idea.

So, I'm going to skip it tonight and take it in the morning and see how it goes doing it in the am. At this point I'd rather be tired in the day and live off coffee, instead of heaving massive headaches all day and unsuccessfully trying to live off tylenol. Boo! :(

I might be on more tomorrow. Gonna curl up with a book, like I've done for a lot of the day today.

-M

July 20, 2010

Day 5

Today has been interesting so far. I got up this morning and was just ITCHING for something to do. Badly. So I asked JP if she wanted breakfast. She did. Then I proceeded to make pancakes, steak and eggs. And coffee of course. YUM. Then after eating I immediately did all the dishes and wiped down the stove and counters. Then i trimmed, filed and painted my nails, and soon i'm jumping in the shower. Yesterday was weird for me too as I did a ton of dishes and washed the floor and had to keep myself from pulling everything out of the first shelf of the fridge to clean the shelf lol. So maybe it's helping a bit with getting things done. I can read something just a little longer before my brain goes elsewhere. Noticed that yesterday evening while reading a book.

Bad things....

All of these are side effects and to me, if this drug helps as much as I think it will...well, I'll survive the side effects....

-I'm getting headaches. Generally when I wake up then in the late afternoon or early evening. I also get a bit of pain that comes and goes right under my ear. Both are common, been going between tylenol and ibuprofen when needed.
-Have some muscle tightness in my neck too. That I think is a combo of the strattera and sleeping on the couch. Sometimes I literally sleep on the floor with a bunch of pillows, been doing that all my life, when I get achy from a bed or couch and like two days later I'm fine for a few months. Might do that the next few days.
-Stomach is weird, but less weird than before I started taking the Strattera at night. Though I am still rarely hungry. I try to eat breakfast and supper anyway.
-Still a bit tired in the day, not as bad as when taking the does in the morning.
-Digestive is still all over the place....gaaaa!

Many people report getting cranky as they work up in the doses... probably won't have to worry about that, since i'm on a mood stabilizer :P

Trying to drink more water. Tracey and my Aunt both recommend it and also taking cooler showers. So I'm doing that. (exept for last night I took a hot shower for my neck...) I wanted to walk both yesterday and today, but the neck thing is not good yet, so I'm waiting. I honestly think I just slept on if funny and either kinked something or pulled something. Thanks Tracey... been doing the stretches for my neck :)

So that is all about that for now. I continue to have hope that in the next few weeks I'll see a lot of my symptoms ease, as I'm already noticing little things. Many go off this med too early because of the side effects, but those who stick to it and find this is the one for them, the effects go away and the good things are great.

So I'm sticking with it. Nothing a little water, tylenol and probiotic can't fix :P

-M

PS: My stellar cooked breakfast!

July 18, 2010

I Caved lol


This is Day 4 on Strattera.....

TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My doc said on really tired days, take a 10mg dose of my Ritalin to perk me up some. Because for a while...it's gonna make me tired.... no kidding! I could sleep like right here right now :s

Making jokes on FB that I'm gonna start an I.V. line for coffee..... Wonder if that could work???
:P

-So yeah, biggest complaint right now is being tired. All day. Even with coffee.
-Having a harder time falling asleep as well. I'll be staying up later today so it might help.
-Since I've started Strattera I'm either having a bit of a hard time focusing my eyes on the computer screen and my journal so I have to resort to squinting, even though my glasses are new. Either that or it's not my vision but my ability to control disassociation, something that is part of my borderline and ADD, where I sort of pull in a little when off daydreaming or thinking in my head and everything is going a bit off visual focus because of it? Not sure which yet. Might let the doc's secretary know about it, although so far I'm not too worried about it. Probably all part of the fun from having a new med.
-Stomach is still nuts. Not eating much. Had a yogurt so far today and it's going on 4pm...

As far as positive things, nothing really to note yet, I think there maybe be just a tad of concentration there that wasn't before, when I do stuff. But it doesn't really last long. Hoping to see a lot more of it by next weekend, would be nice....

My mood has been sort of all over the place. I don't know if that is the introduction of Strattera or just my usual sometimes up and down. Been massively bored and under stimulated and it's brought me down a LOT. I will find out over the next few days if it's the new med or not. I'm going to start making lists again every day...been slack on that.... and I'm kidnapping JP every morning for a brisk walk (we should probably take cold water with us?) to combat A. the fat and B. the depression. Gonna do a once over on the kitchen too!!!

We'll see how it all goes. I think the ups and downs... I just need more tasks and interaction.

Thanks Aunt K for the lovely comment on my last post, you made me smile ♥

Now...back to the journal.

Rational Belief Preperation

So I'm doing a worksheet today about rational beliefs vs. what I believe. It's a borderline thing. I know I talk more about the ADD stuff, because that is more outwardly noticeable, but the borderline thing is almost all inside. For the most part, I've been able to control that much of it. I've learned the hard way that borderline thoughts don't need to be said lol.

It's hard to explain borderline....
the paranoia part.... nobody likes me, people hate me, people are staring at me...and the whole outside alone thing...a car might hit me, what if someone attacks me, what if a dog attacks me, what if i get lost, what if i get hurt... and the people ones like... why haven't they called me, why haven't they written me back.... like even though i know, in my brain, they are busy,etc. it overrides that and turns it against me into something that is self attacking and depressing. Nice hey?

the me part... why didn't they get me one, what about me, why didn't they ask me, why didn't they mention me, etc etc., which is all crap and the brain knows it but again, it's like overpowered.

the self harm part.... the i'm so frustrated and angry that instead of finding a healthy way to get it out we'll just take it out on ourself just like we do emotionally anyhow. I have so many scars from this... it sucks.

the black or white thinking.... for me, is all negative thinking... things won't work out, i'm a failure, it will never get better, i won't get the medicaid, i'll end up homeless, i can't do anything, life won't get any better, i hate my hair, i'm too fat and ugly, i hate my clothes, i look stupid..... i'm good at negative self talk.

the risky behavior... when i was younger it was starting fires, sex, drugs/booze, stealing, starting fights, etc.... now it's more like buying things when can't afford it, binge eating, binge drinking, harming myself etc.

There are other things too, but you get the idea from these. At it's very core, I wasn't taught the right way to regulate my emotions and interpret emotion and how to deal with relationships and family.

The way you beat borderline... is by retraining your brain. You have to reteach what was taught wrong and reteach how you react to things, how to interpret things and how you deal with emotions, in a healthy normal way.

They say it takes a certain amount of time to learn a new habit.... a month, month and a half, two months? Whatever that time period is, that is how long it takes. It's difficult because of that. Many can do it, and many can't.

It's all done by CBT and DBT both cognitive and dialectual behavioral therapy. And it's something I have no problem doing. It's awkward but it can be done. Already I try to see what I am thinking and tell myself it's wrong.

Sometimes the problem is, once I get too negative on myself, I get depressed and sad. It can be very self defeating. I think it's going to be one of the harder things to fix because I've thought this negative since I was literally not even a teen yet. I can remember specific examples.

So, today I'm doing sheets on rational belief preparation. This kind of stuff is done in stages. You can't just get someone to think or react differently. First you have to be introduced to how you need to think differently, why how you are thinking is wrong, and then recognizing when you do it. That is the key to today's assignment. Recognition. It's preparing me for changing how I think or react to specific situations by first pointing out when I do it wrong.

It's very interesting and at the same time difficult and frustrating. But I bet I can do it. It's all about recognizing, then remembering the right way to react, then doing it every time, until it is a new habit, and I won't even think, I'll just DO.

-M

Well...

Now that I'm done feeling sorry for myself....again....

It's sort of an on and off thing with me. And it's something that will get worked on with the therapist. Along with other stuff, like having to have others to keep me from being bored....of course it would all be easier if I could leave the damned apartment...which I have a lot of issues with still.

Which reminds me, I have homework to do yet. My appointment isn't until the 27th but I still want to work on it early in case it's something that takes a while to complete. She gave me quite a few sheets this time....

It's weird actually writing little bits about what I'm thinking instead of just keeping all of it in. Sort of shows me how often I do the self depreciation crap and feeling bad and all of it.

Bleh.

Going to try to make today a little better.

-M

July 17, 2010

Very very lonely

and it's depressing. I miss my family :(((

Just having one of those days today....

Probably gonna go to sleep early and get a good rest and see if it helps.

-M

Strattera Day 3

So, I'm on day 3. Like I said, I want to keep a log on how it goes. Even the company that makes it tells people to keep track of what it helps as it builds up in your system.

One thing I can definitely say is..... dude where's my appetite?? It apparently left on a vacation without me! I started noticing it yesterday, but today I'm REALLY noticing it... it sucks but is good too. Maybe it will help me lose some weight, would be nice. I force myself to eat a good dinner (like my salmon cakes and veggies last night) and get something in me once i'm up...but that's about it. This morning it was a piece of toast with jam and a little single serve cup of yogurt. That was it.... Definitely keeping up on the multivitamins.

As usual, my GI system is going bonkers again. Every time I start a new med or adjust the dosage this happens. Which of course means I'm going to have all sorts of good times for the next few weeks as I go from the initial 10mg dosage up to 40. The packet I got them in, has me switching dosages every five days for four weeks. It's going to be very interesting....

I'm also finding I'm very tired. To combat this, of course, there is wonderful coffee. A couple cups and it helps a LOT. Yay for coffee.

I'm not sure I've noticed any actual changes yet. There probably won't be any for a while. Right now I feel just a bit clearer headed (aka not so foggy headed) but I have to be careful it's not just wishful thinking. And then there was cooking a real meal from scratch last night and doing a little bit in my EMT book out of the blue... but still, I'll just wait and see.

-M

Yum

So I decided to try my hand at making salmon cakes last night. I found a recipe that just wasn't as good as Tracey's.... but it did the job.

I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to make myself eat something.... and didn't want the usual and I was bored so it was a good thing all around.

In the end, my supper turned out like this:


NOM NOM NOM.... :P

Not too bad for my first time making them!

-M

Walking....

I've managed on occasion to get myself out of the house but not nearly every day. It is something I am struggling with quite a bit and is annoying because I want to lose weight. Especially with me starting a new ADD drug that has a very common side effect of eating less and weight loss...it would be a great time to work on this.

A while back, JP and I were going to work really hard to walk every day and do yoga a few times a week here at home, got a dvd and everything. But you know... we both HATE exercise with a passion...so we didn't stick to it much. Never even tried the disk!

So, I know she will most likely read this post. I can't think of anything that would be really motivating other than just losing weight for ourselves. I can already think of something I want to wear, when it looks really GOOD on me. JP should find something too. Then, you hang it up on your dresser on a hook, where you have to see it every single day.

I'd like to get her to walk with me again every day, whenever she gets up lol. Doesn't matter I can take water and find a hat. I think by fall I could be very happy with my weight if we did this every day. JP too!

So... what do you say JP? A walk every day and yoga a few times a week? We can do it if we keep each other motivated. After a while it would just be a normal routine.... We could definitely do it. Having another person to do it with...keeps motivation going.

-M

July 16, 2010

I Write Like


I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!


^ I received this after pasting in part of the short story I wrote, on a site called 'I Write Like'. It supposedly analyzes the way you write and then shows you who you are comparable to.

I think they just knew my favorite author.... LMAO! :P

A pic or two...

Couple pics from the other day :)


The Strattera Journey

I'm going to try to keep tabs on how it goes on this new med, since to me right now, it is VERY important. There is a blog I read from Mungo that has been really helpful in me learning more about Strattera and it's been interesting to see how it's going for him, now that he's been on it for a while. I'm going to try to do the same and have a post here and there that updates how it is going as far as side effects and benefits.

We'll see how it goes :)

Ok.....

Someone tell the coffee pot to hurry the hell up and brew already! I want coffee! :P

July 15, 2010

Nice day today.

I had a hard time getting up this morning. I'd been up later than expected because of the thunderstorm that was raging on and on last night. You should have seen the lightning! Holy cow! So many cloud to ground strikes all over the place, it was crazy. One was so close out there in the field that I heard the zap as it came down...NO joking.

So, needless to say, even I was like... um...no. And that is saying a LOT. So, I sat on the couch and watched it all going on. No piccy's :( What what fun it was watching it all lol. The torrential rain was nuts. By the time I was getting close to falling asleep, the entire field, all the way back was underwater. It just kept pouring and pouring. And the wind was just howling! Seemed like twenty minutes at least, horizontal rain and all. I watched at one of the chairs on our deck almost took off over the ledge, the wind pulled at it and started to lift it up. If it had went there was NO way I was going after it....

I have no idea what time I got up at for sure. I know the alarm on the phone went off at 8am, and that I turned it off. Then I spent at least an hour and a half, if not longer, doing that sort of asleep and sort of awake and then asleep again thing...

I took my meds late, because i got up late and I just sort of wanted to sit here and do nothing. But I had to get my butt moving. Jumping in the shower helped tons! Then having a good breakfast did as well.

I got to take a local service they have here, for transporting people for things like doc visits. It worked out well, even though I was way early. It was okay though.

It took a while to see my doc, but was worth the wait. The first thing I talked with him about, was needed to switch off Ritalin, because it wasn't doing much for my ADD. After telling him all the symptoms I was still dealing with.. he agreed.

He asked me if I had any ideas.... and I told him I'd done a lot of research and that much of what I'd been reading, said if stimulants don't work for an ADD case, to try a non stimulant. Much of what I read from others, pointed to Strattera.

It helps with ADD but also depression a bit as well as targeting impulse control, which is a big issue for me. After telling him all of it, he smiled, called me a smart cookie (lol) and said he'd recommend the same. Within minutes, he was back, with a sample pack of Strattera. It will work me up to 40 mgs a day, and last two months! I was so thankful, as Strattera is a great med....and new, so it' costs a LOT. It takes a few weeks to kick in, so I'll observe as much patience as I can.

Unlike stimulants, which are in and out of your system in a matter of hours.... Strattera is 24/7 coverage, because it builds up in your system over time.

We'll see how it goes :)

After the appointment I went to eat with a friend, WL... she has ADD, so you know,.... while eating...we could talk for HOURS. And we almost did! haha :D Was loads of fun ;) We also went to Walmart and I was bad.... got a very cheap wine. My doc was like, have a glass or two, then stop. So, I have.... tonight.

I had 1.5 glasses of Chardy and I'm ready to get some zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. Talk about a cheap date I am now! :P

Hope ya all had a good day....
-M
Sitting in doc's office, waiting my turn, hating my social anxiety and bored at the same time. Someone coughed and I jumped lol...

July 12, 2010

Today's piccys.

I'm trying to force myself on walks in the morning...it's easier to convince myself when I can take pictures ;)
I've never seen a fire hydrant that looked like this before...they are supposed to be maintained in both function and appearance. How bad would it be if someone had a huge house fire and they couldn't get the hydrant open easily because it's all corroded? Not good...

I have no idea what it is....but it is definitely some sort of bird of prey. Awesome :D

Flowerz.....yay ;) I need to take more flower pics...it's been a while.....

Found this lying outside of the train depot, looked old and very weather worn.

The only shot I dared to take inside the old depot. You can't really walk in there because the floor has given way in some areas. Creeepy.....

Outside the old train depot. They need to turn it into a museum or something, instead of letting it go to waste and deteriorate so badly.

Bubbles! I love little water droplets in macro... they look like little bubbles sitting on things. This...is a blade of grass by the way ;) I love my camera....


-M

July 11, 2010

Phone Text: I got a blister while sharpening all the pencils :(

For my Aunt....

She said she wanted to see five pictures from me... so here they are ;)





:P
-M

July 10, 2010

My ADD annoyances #3

ADD Net Surfing

Someone online today, brought it to my attention that we ADD'ers surf the web in odd ways. I hadn't given it that much though but she was right.

Let's say I go to a search engine and type in what I'm looking for. Then the results come up. Sometimes I find what I'm looking for and go back to what I'm doing. But... most times I don't. I'll click on a result and end up seeing something else that gets my attention and click that and then off I go. Sometimes I waste HOURS doing that. By the time I come back to reality I'm like...WTF was I doing again???

*sigh*

I love the back button though...if I click back long enough, I find my original search ;)

Archive Pics

Once in a while I'm going to show an archive picture too... one I took in like 2005-2008, just because it's a pic I like :0

First up is one of Cocoa :D


You see, it's her house, humans just live in it ;)
ZK let me have a ginger ale...It's actually pretty good!

Being more creative on here.

I'm going to start to try to be more creative on here, because I don't do that enough. I want to write more stories and put more random drawings and things. :)

The Watch

There was a watch that I just had to have. I was 13. I definitely did not have the money for it. I think it must have been close to $20. I had devised an unbeatable plan with my friends. I was going to go into the department store, find some scissors first, then go to the jewelry section, get the watch, then have an urgent need to use the restroom. While my friends waited by the food court, I would use the scissors to cut the watch from it’s packaging, put the watch on and walk out as if I’d had it all along. It was totally fool proof.

We went into the store and looked around, walking up and down the large isles, laughing and carrying on. We made a stop in the art section. I stopped and looked at the painting items, thinking how fun that would be, but knew I was here on a mission. I looked at the scissors in dismay. They, were also in a package. But only with cardboard and plastic on the top…easy enough to open. I grabbed a pair and we continued along, talking about the teachers we hadn’t liked at school the semester before and just carrying on.

Then, I saw it. My entire purpose for being there. A hot pink, 90210 watch, with a flip top lid. I HAD to have it. I looked around and it was fairly quiet in the store, as it was early afternoon. It didn’t get busier until late afternoon. I casually grabbed it and held it with my scissors, then headed for the girls bathroom. Now the adrenaline had started and I was nervous, yet excited at the same time.

I entered the tiled bathroom. There were only three stalls in the bathroom, so I knew I needed to be quick. There was someone in one of them. Do I wait until they leave, so they don’t hear me? Or slowly get the scissors out? I decided to deal with the scissors. I easily was able to get them out and swiftly discarded the packaging in the little garbage can.

Then, came the hard part. The watch. It was in that hard plastic that takes forever to get through. And it was noisy. I cut as fast as I could, but it seemed to take a long time. It was making a LOT of noise. I was worried, very worried. I was starting to panic, but trying to stay calm. Others were going in and out of the bathroom now. It was getting busier, I could hear voices of moms and kids. At some point, someone asked if I was okay. I said “yes I’m fine!!” and kept trying to get that damned watch out.

Finally I got it out, then tried to stuff the packaging in the garbage can next to me. Others were complaining. There was a line now for the bathroom. I swiftly flushed so they thought I had actually been there for a reason and came out holding my stomach. I walked out, thinking….woohoo! I’d actually done it. The watch looked fabulous on me. My prize for standing up to fear.

I sat with my friends in the food court a few minutes. We talked quietly and joked and sipped on some sodas they got while I’d been dealing with the watch. We happened to notice a bit of commotion by the bathroom and we wondered what was going on. Then, out of the blue, a security officer walked up to us and put down the scissors and wrappers on the table in front of us. There was about ten seconds of total silence. Everone stared silent at the scissors and wrappers. Almost like time itself had stopped. Then, as the security officer started to radio to call 911, in a flash, we bolted.

Four kids. Three girls, one boy. All sort of like misfits really. We all had our sob stories and we all liked to be crazy. We did the speed walk through the store, our sneakers squeaking on the white tiling. As we came to the exit we saw another guard by the doors. None of us said a word we just burst into a full out run. What was the guy gonna do? Get tackled by four crazy kids???

Nope. He just let us go by, yelling at us the entire time. We burst out into the sunlight of a gorgeous sunny afternoon. We ran full speed through the parking lot, hooting and hollering, already having an escape route planned. In less than thirty seconds we were out of sight. In under two minutes we were far far away from that store, laughing and retelling the story already, like it was the brag story of the summer.

And I had my watch.

July 9, 2010

Yay!!!

One of the programs I applied for came back.... I got my food assistance stuff in the mail :D :D Now I don't have to use the cash I have left for food! This is great :D
Phone Text: ZK totally sucked JP into his WOW game...Now they spend a shitload of time staring at fictional characters all day. Their brains are being warped...

Ok day.

Not having too bad of a day today. I have been very tired, run down and foggy headed though, which sucks. I'm trying to kick the old brain into gear myself today. Had lots of scrambled eggs for breakfast, slipped in a 10mg extra Ritalin tablet for the afternoon, with the other 10mg of Ritalin I normally take. When I told the doc I wanted to up to 30mg, I meant all day.... not 20mg in the morning at 10mg in the afternoon. I know he has to be careful and leery though, it IS a stimulant.... I've also been sipping coffee this afternoon too.... I'm to the point where I'm thinking the Ritalin isn't for me. It's helped a little bit with energy, some days. It helps me pay attention just a little bit, but not much and my head is still very foggy and distracted. Even JP thinks it's not working out well, and she's been keeping an eye out, to see if things have changed.

I'm frustrated by it...but I know to I really need to be patient, so I'm trying. Not everyone gets the med cocktail correct on the first try. Actually, many don't. So I get to be a guinea pig some more soon.....bwhahahahahaha. :P

I also want to change the Celexa as it's not working enough I think. But I'm not sure just how much it is supposed to change, so I'll talk to the doc about it. He may want me to stick with it a bit longer. If he asks what I think (he usually does, he's awesome that way) I'm going to suggest changing the Ritalin to Strattera. If we do that, I may tell him about the Celexa, but deal with it a bit longer so we see what exactly the Strattera changes. If I change both at once, I won't know what is changing what. If I do eventually switch off Celexa, my suggestion is Wellbutrin, because it helps depression, but also has a bit of anxiety relief properties as well as ADHD relief. I've heard of a few people that are loving the Strattera/Wellbutrin mix for their symptoms. So we'll see what he things. He knows a ton more than I obviously. He has stated he likes that I do my homework and take charge of learning about my conditions and my treatment though. He said it's encouraging, that he knows I'm really willing to work to get better :)

They gave me a fourth diagnosis. You are now reading from someone with Adult ADD, BPD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent). I sorta chuckled and was like.... you sure you don't have any more? It's turning into Name That Syndrome lol.

Both my doctor and my therapist have humour.... thank god they do! First time I met my doctor he asked if I knew any good jokes :P I don't know what I would do with a strict or mean one.... ack!

I learned a lot about my worries, many which are paranoia, much of it goes back to my childhood, I have to reteach myself stuff and they will help. Like retraining how to cope and use the right emotions and what to not fear and how to understand people better and what to do when I'm stressed and just how to react to people better. And how to project myself better and articulate better and things. Once I learn all that then I'll deal with some crappy stuff from my past and then put that behind me and I'll learn more about organization and time management and better problem solving and just yeah.... many things.

Will be loads of fun....

Also, if I stay on the Ritalin for a while longer, I get to use a discount card I got from the manufacturer, I pay only $5 for a month of it woohoo!

I'm pretty sure I am going to get food assistance. Yay. That way I don't use the little bit of cash I have left on food. Would be good. I should hopefully find out this next week.

Also waiting on Medicaid. They have all my stuff, hopefully I'll find out about that in the next two weeks or less. It's sounding decent though.

Everyone cross fingers....

-M
Testing out if I can blog from my phone...So I can blog random things while I am out. Hope it works!
-M

ewwww!

JP: So you missed a ZK and I vs. the spider last night while you were sleeping.
Me: Oh ya? What happened?
JP: I saw it going up and down, making a web. I told ZK to kill it. He knocked it down but won't kill things. So I had to take over and kill it.
Me: And of course I slept through the whole thing going on beside me.

Damnit! Last time JP saw a spider it was hilarious! She freaks out... Sort of like how TT freaks out over giant cockroaches. I don't like spiders either, but like everything else, I'm a bit more internal about it....which is why I'm so amuse at those who are WAY louder than I am about it! :P

And I have NO idea why ZK wouldn't want to kill a spider.... I mean... EWWWW !!!

-M

July 7, 2010

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD


Got ambitious today and made a really yummy breakfast and it was very good....

NOM NOM NOM!

July 6, 2010

Well this isn't going very well!!!

So much for getting up early!! I forgot to turn the ringer up on my phone so when the alarm went off...well...it beeped LOL. Obviously I slept right through it :((( So now it is 9:30 am and well......at least I am awake.

*sigh*

Eating, taking my meds, waking up...then we'll see what I can get done. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

What I have to do tomorrow...

I don't care how sluggish I feel or how much I don't want to, here are my plans for tomorrow.

I'm going to get up by 8:30am and i'm going to throw a load of laundry in the washer. Then I'm going to go for a walk. Then I'll come back and switch the clothes to the dryer. I also want to do dishes before it gets warm in here. I need to finish my letter for mom and then get that sent out. I need a couple things from the store. I need to get JP out with me and go to the library (don't care if she wants to or not damnit we should walk over there its' good for us). I need to start working on my homework from the therapist. And I need to keep track of my moods, worries, and triggers. Haven't been doing that. Going to Walmart for a few groceries ( I need apples, cereal and a snack/JP needs sunny d!) will be a good time to jot down my worries. I need to do my mood chart too. And post some stuff on the EJ blog. And nag the members to get on the forum.

Need to get this stuff done. I got therapy on thursday and I need the stuff done.

-M

Saw a firework or two...heard about a thousand...

JP and ZK lit off a lot more later on, but lit off these while it was still light outside. Was very amusing :P




July 3, 2010

There's a thunderboomer about...

I looked on the radar and it's super small. Probably gonna have like one rumble and some rain, so I'm not even gonna get off my lazy ass and take a picture :P

-M

Piccys :)

Not many...just a few.


My poor sorry Reece's Peanut Butter Cup! I had it on the table only for a bit but it was so warm in here that well.... *sigh*

JP's mom has an awesome garden. It was interesting to see all the things that were growing in it.

Her mom also makes amazing bread. REALLY amazing bread. It was SO yummy while still warm....

She also likes to can/jar her own stuff. These were her beans..... yum....

-M

An okay last few days.

I haven't been as motivated to write the last couple days. I blame the Celexa increase. The first day I was giddy but then the next day I was very tired and withdrawn and down all day, although I managed to spruce myself up really nice that day.

It's gotten a little better each day. They told me it would be at least a few days, with the dose going double what it had been.

I'll probably make a couple posts today, just because I can :P

-M