January 29, 2011

So Far Day 5 is....

Good! My body aches but that is what tylenol is for.
Emotionally I went from like... crying, manic, and helpless AND hopeless to laughing and close to happy. I feel like something heavy lifted off my shoulders, but emotionally. I took a walk outside and breathed in the cool air and socialized with neighbors and will clean my messy apartment this afternoon...its not bad but I wasn't well enough to think to do much of anything.
Hope it stays this way.
-M

January 28, 2011

day 4 sucks

i have very bad depression today, not hungry, sitting here staring into space and very lethargic. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Dad is gonna call after dinner.
-M

waiting for dad to call

i talked to my brother last night....I told him everything...I cried so hard but did it. He is wonderful and very understanding.
I called my sister in law today and told her everything too. Dad and Jacqi where in the car at the time and she was going tell them some and I will do the rest when Dad calls.
Very Nervous.
-M

January 27, 2011

dealing with withdrawal

I'm in a sad mood right now [mood changes a lot right now]. I feel I've let everyone down badly. I cry when I think about it. I understand my diseases but seem to not be at the point where I can control them yet. I try very hard but so far its not enough. Right now I'm focused on the klonopin withdrawal, which suck but so far not dangerous. Because I'm doing this with no medical assistance it is more dangerous. Benzo withdrawal without tapering off it runs th risk of seizure, heart attack and coma. If anything like that happens or I get tremors....I absolutely will be at the hospital. So far have had migraines, very little sleep, massive digestive issues both ways, trembling, mood swings, coordination issues, ect.
The physical stuff sucks...but th emotional is worse...dark moods. I stay at Jen's when its like that, because suicidal tendancies are a side effect too.

I know I'll get through this though. I have people keepin a good eye on me.

I love everyone
-M

January 26, 2011

Today Life Is Crap.

Slept SO bad. Definately very mood...get mad at the phone because I cant hardly text like this. Then I cry because I'm better than being so addicted to klonopin. Then get bitchy because I fall or bump walls.....sometimes i have no reason for my mood to change. I just sit here...of in space...hoping someone other than like four will reply to my blogs or fb statuses.....so I get a little boost....and so I know someone cares in my family and I'm not alone and they are hushing and hoping it will just go away....
-M

January 25, 2011

My mind wont shut up...

...yet I'm quiet and sulked into a chair, on percocet and some other pain med. To keep me steady as I feel i hit a wall with my body. In the morning I will be one day off the mass amounts of klonopin. that will be a good start.
I have no idea why this drug affected me to this point of getting sick without it. Addictive personality? probably. Being blotto better than trying to deal with my emotions i stuffed away from chilhood on. probably. People seeing me cry? Nope...i wasnt allowed to do that so now i still cant in front of people. I build my wall probably by 1986 and its still. only its like...its shrunk or maybe starting to crumble...I have no clue.
-M
sorry for typos....texting in my current state sucks.

little better

i went for my phych dr visit. Had much explaining to do. I totally fessed up...the cutting, the pot, the 8 to 10 klonopin at a time, sleeping to much, borrowing painpills....all of it. He took a big breath and asked me to tell me why in any way I can. Im not good at talkiing about things but did tell him I felt like I had no control and my emotions were very dark and I didnt care if i stopped breathing or anything. He asked should I bet cut off the klonopin....I said yes before it kills me.Then I cried....he told me it would be tough but okay. He thanked me i was so honest and if I get in crisis to call immediately. I will go through withrawl...crying, anger, panic, not much sleep. He wonders if i have bipolar and the impulses, like rapid cutting, is my manic. he's wants more time to decide first. He keptme on adderal because i need to be up not down.
so thats today...hope for betterness.
-M

January 23, 2011

ouch..

.thanks to my little klonopin problem...i fell last night and landed on sams porcelin dish and broke it with my knee. i didnt even look at my knee until this morning. I probably needed stitches...but as a cutter I worried they eould think I did it on purpose. Cleaned it up and the deep cut was filled with scab so i am using neosporin now on it.
This morning I fell on the ice and hit the same knee so it open again and I treated it.
I took 8 klonopin but backed it with a tall energy drink to actually be functional. Need to clean my apartment and the catbox and shower today...just normal stuff.
-M

January 20, 2011

Last K Day...

Today is my last day of Klonopin fun.....
I'm getting to close to crossing the line to needing them every day. So that will be that. Dont care if it makes me feel crappy a few days but I need to take these at 1mg a day for anxiety only.
Wish me luck!
-M

what snow??

jeez youd think it was snowmaggedon or something! not even the bus is running!

now my therapist app. is at 8:30 and my case worker is at 10:00....tomorrow :[

January 19, 2011

me and percocets...

= blah blah blah!

Herc vs. The Noodle

Wanna watch a cat spaz? Put a wet noodle on its back! :p

A Confession Or Two

I told myself I was going to be honest in here and not sugar coat my blog but I still do. Its my blog to express and confess...my name isnt even on here and only those I trust know who I am.
I've had some issues with pot again....I think it eases my anxiety and also makes me forget I'm depressed. The high is like happiness to me, I can't help it.
I'm also having a small problem with Klonopin. I'm prescribed it at .5mg for anxiety, but discovered at high doses it knocks me into deep sleep. When I want to cut, I take the K nap instead. Last night I took 5.5mg and slept like a baby. Woke up and my urge was gone. I worry about becoming dependant on it as it is a benzo.
Maybe I need a therapst I'm more comfortable with or just need to go more....
I hope this isnt dissapointing...it's just where I'm at right now.
-M

January 18, 2011

added pics

to Sam's page on my blog here :)

-M

A Mystery....

There was an EJ board that, while it wasn't getting much traffic anymore, was still probably the best one on the net right now......

And now, well,
it's gone.

Wonder why????

-M

still got the blues...

the weather being all gloomy is probably part of it. i'm taking my meds which is good. did something bad a time or two that probably counteracts them though. not sure if the wonderful major depressive disorder is still in full swing :[
i see my therapist in two days. dont see the my psych until like the 27th. maybe a bump in celexa is in store?

eeeeek!

jen bumped the coffee pot and you know what is next
.....fall....boom....smash!! "shit"!

RIP coffee pot *cries*

-M

January 17, 2011

spray day

grrrrrrrrrr. they went around and did the quarterly spraying of the building and hercules got it on him!

poor cat didnt know why but he got a fast bath!

we gave him kitty treats after for being so good about the whole thing :]

-M

January 16, 2011

GO PACK GO!!

Oooooooooooh yeah baby through two playoff games so far! Cant believe they have gone so far. :D

Things are going well. Behaving and taking my meds. Hope you all are well!

Tomorrow I get to call and find out who my caseworker is. Hope I get a nice one!

-M

January 14, 2011

lalala

Having a better day today....woke up on the good side of the bed lol
Meds are working well which is good. Spirits are up, things are good.
Sam is insane as usual...zooming through the house like she's full of beans!
I got 200 in energy assisstance....yay!
I also got a black bookshelf which rocks! Probably mentioned it before...I forget! If I didnt put a pic on fb yet I will have to, it looks great but needs more books!
-M

January 12, 2011

Hope.....

My friends in Brissy are okay! So much flooding! I hope it ends soon.
Luvs!
-M

January 11, 2011

snow day!

Okay so they said we would get a lot....maybe its from being from wisconsin....but we didnt get that much lol. Very dissapointed!

I found out through medicaid I can get a quit smoking kit! Yay! Im calling about it today.

Yesterday I had my assessment for a caseworker. I will find out by the end of the week who I get. Will be nice! They make sure Im taking my meds and making my appointments, etc. Hope I get a nice one!

Sam litterally got herself wrapped up in toilet paper and couldnt walk.....hahahahahahahaha!

Im doing ok. Depression is slowly backing off...been hanging around people in the building so I dont isolate myself.

Hope you all are well!
-M

January 9, 2011

ok day

Not doing to bad. I think I still have a little bit of the depression but at least its manageable.
We are supposed to get snow tomorrow....whooohooo! And the Pack plays today...hope they win...its a playoff game!
Sam is doing well...nuts as always!

-M

January 7, 2011

Why

I still don't understand
Why I cut
I've never really
Figured it out anyhow.

It started when
I was 13 or so
And scared the hell
Out of my dad.

The only thing I can reason
Is that when I was
Just a kid,
The way I was treated....

I was taught not to cry
Not to fight back
To suck it up
Even if I was hurt

So as an adult
The only way to relieve pain
Or worry or anger
Is to turn it on myself.

Does that make any sense at all?

-M

Caught up on some posts....

from the last two weeks or so :)

-M

Doing Good.

Things have been doing good since I've been home. My cat went berzerk when I came home, she crawled all over me, licking me and purring and wouldn't leave me be, would follow me :)

I've set a bit of a schedule, a way to get things done and find things to do and get out and do things. I've been doing pretty good with all that anyhow but i found it nice to see it all written down.

I've been trying, when I write in my journal, to be more personal about it and not just narrate my day but write about what is on my mind and express myself better. With time it will get easier.

I have an appt. on the 10th to get screened for a caseworker. It would be nice to have someone who sort of checks up on you every two weeks and also helps make sure you take meds and get to dr. appointments, etc.

My landlady is even on me about my meds now, I'll probably never forget to take them!

-M

yes im alive

tomorrow i will write a long post at the library, just lettin ya know i'm okay.
-M

January 6, 2011

Going Home!

After 4.5 days or so, I'm finally going home! I miss my kitty!!! And my apartment and my life and just everything! I imagine by now people must be a little concerned. I'm always online somehow.

I got a call from Tracey which was wonderful. I wish I could have talked longer but when groups or food is going on they'll cut the line. But it was nice you called :)

My meds are great. Doc took me off abilify and lamictal, saying he didn't approve of me being on so many mood stabilizers at once. So now I'm on Tegretol, Adderal, Celexa, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Not too bad of a list like it used to be.

I had another goal which was to come up with ways to remember to take my meds. We came up with good ones, everything from setting an alarm on my phone to having someone remind me, etc.

I feel like I'm leaving with more knowledge than I came with and a bit more off my shoulders. They set up appts. with my Dr. B. and with my therapist. Man my doc is going to be like WHAT when he sees what all happened. At least I got it all worked out, I'm alive and happy, and will continue to be.

-M

January 3, 2011

Sanity slowly starts to come back....

Yesterday they started me back on my meds and now today I've had them as well and I'm starting to feel a little more normal. I'm sitting in the room where we do group, on my own, so I could write a bit. They have a washer and dryer here you can use free when ever you want and every time I've been here....when the washer hits spin cycle....it sounds like it's about to take off to outer space!

My doctor, Dr. H., is awesome. He's very down to earth, nice and sort of countryish, like a cowboy in a doctor's coat. He explained that I have Discontinuation Syndrome.... click here. He said I have it from stopping all my meds like I did and it put me in a worse depression than before I started meds. That in turn turned on that angry impulsiveness that in turn make me injure myself. He told me not to be upset, that with a few days I'd be fine, but that I need to take seriously how I take my medication, so it doesn't happen again.

I was unhappy to find that when they did the clothing search of what I brought, that they took the underwires out of my purple bra! sdfjejkfjdsfjiewurfemfijweoijweiofje!!!!!!!

It's funny at a place like this...the most exciting time....is meal time! Probably because it's something to do. We get up, do showers, stretch, have our AM meds, then it's three groups before lunch and at least two after, if not three. Also you set your goal for the day....what you want to work on aside from groups. Mine today is to come up with a list of things I can do instead of cutting. Had trouble starting it but one of the staff sat down with me and helped.

Because I'd started smoking again, they asked if I wanted to be on the patch. I said sure, lets give it a try. Well. They warned me about how some have nightmares from it, and if so, take it off. I didn't exactly have nightmares.... just really vivid and strange dreams about being lost and taking all sorts of buses but the people got weirder and weirder and I was trying to get back to the hospital but was trapped on buses in Milwaukee.... very strange.

Snack time. Sherbert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOM NOM!!! What can I say? I love sherbert lol.

A bit ago three male nurses and a female one went into the restraint room. They have to practice every week on restraining someone so that they can act quickly if ever needed. Wonder who got strapped down?? hahaha

Groups all went well today, they started me on klonopin for anxiety and it's helping as now I dont shut up in group :P

-M

January 2, 2011

I can't believe I'm here again.

*I wrote on paper while in the hospital so I'd have something to post here when I got out*

Things have been going so good lately, it's so hard to believe I'm back in here again. I have spiraled into a massive depression that feels worse than before I started meds. I don't want to eat and barely have slept and cry all the time and get shakey and headaches and just on edge. So on edge that at 1:30 in the morning I did what I said I'd never do again. On pure impulse, I cut. 47 times. It was all superficial wounds but it seemed to sort of snap me out of it. I was more awake and realized not only what I'd done but that this time I couldn't deal with it on my own.

I called the person closest to my location that knew me, which was Jen, just down the hall. She jumped straight out of bed and to me and we went over by her place. I just sat there and sobbed. Not because of physical pain, but emotional pain. Jen, never seeing me like this because I keep emotion like that in, was really concerned.

She had a bag of bandages for emergencies and well, I guess this qualified. We didn't clean them, just wrapped them, so they would stop bleeding. All I keep telling her was I couldn't believe how depressed I was and I just couldn't stop tears from falling. Very unlike me.

I managed to get some sleep until morning, hell I think I got more than Jen did.... and in the morning I was still bursting into tears over nothing and we talked about what to do. I think by then we all knew I'd have to call the hospital. It was a pretty much a given by then, especially with it being a Sunday and my Dr. not around.

I called, then they asked me to come up and do an assessment, so I did. After, they called the Dr. who was there all week, Dr. H. and he agreed I had to be admitted, whether I wanted to or not. And he wanted me to go to ER to make sure nothing needed stitches. I wasn't happy about it but they'd probably drag me down there so I went.

Almost all were superficial with a few a bit deeper but the ER doc was convinced it would be okay not to stitch them. Like every ER in America........... it took forever......

Afterwards was the search. Which has gotten worse since I was there last! Now not only do they wand you and check pockets but you go in a shower room and take everything off. I was like cripes really! Ugh! Directly after that I got to have a shower which I mistakenly thought would be okay........... not. I cried it hurt so much, every cut a sting, all the stings making one huge sting. Not fun.

The rest of the day was intake stuff, getting me to eat and me curling up and hiding a few hours in my room, and randomly in tears. But at least I was safe.

-M

January 1, 2011

New Years Eve

I figured I was alright to drink on New Years Eve because I stopped taking my meds on the 31st so I could drink, and because I felt so good lately, they were really working so well, that I thought it would be okay for a while.

Well.

I still got sick on NYE! I did drink the whole bottle of Yellow Tail on my own though lol. I had a lot of fun and even after I got sick I was still laughing :P

-M