May 16, 2011

Very Depressed :[

I hardly slept last night. My brain wouldn't shut up. I have so many worries and at the same time I just want to give up. I don't really feel things are going to get any better and I don't have anyone to turn to for help, so I am pretty much just counting down until the end of the month. I have no way to pay for June's rent. It could be fall or winter before I see anything from Housing, I have no money for anything at all, three of my teeth are going dark in front and the gum tissue is almost gone and it's killing me it's so sore, so I hardly eat, my digestive system has been a mess since after Easter and I'd go in but I dont have even $2 for copay, my anxiety is so bad my fingers are all open sores now from picking at them, I cant see my doc for yet another month because my appt. was bumped so I'm fighting my depression and despair without help.....Why does this have to be my life!! Why can't I be normal and not have any mental illness?? Why me? I just don't want to deal with it anymore! I wish it was over.

May 5, 2011

Books :]

Got a few books at the library today. This time around I am reading:
-The Last Hostage by John J. Nance [about an airliner hijacking]
-Smile For The Camera by Kelle James [a true story about a 16 yr. old girl who runs away to NYC]
-Salem's Lot by Stephen King [a scary vampire novel]
-Glass by Ellen Hopkins [about multiple youths dealing with drug addiction and the paths it leads them down, book written in lyrical style]

After the library, I swung by the thrift store and bought two paperbacks for .50 cents....

-Different Seasons by Stephen King [four short stories including "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption" which later became the movie Shawshank Redemption]
-Milwaukee Summers Can Be Deadly by Kathleen Anne Barrett [had to get it as the story is set in my hometown....looks like an interesting murder/mystery type]

So, have plenty to read for the next week or two! I've started nosing through the fiction section at the library and just randomly reading new ones...been interesting so far.
-M

At The Library

Having a nice day today....

I woke up and went to the little coffee shop downstairs for coffee, then tried out this little bakery a few blocks away and had a glazed donut, stopped by the smoke shop to give the person working there (who lives in my building) her arm band (been trying to talk her into going to the doctor to see if she has something like carpal tunnel going on....), then went to my doctor, then to Walgreens to get Mom a mother's day card (hey at least I'm consistant with cards being like a day late lol....I doubt it will get there by Sunday) and pick up a refill, then came here in search of more books and internet time. Later I'll swing by the post office and drop off the card with a nice hand written letter in it.

And then there is the whole apartment....... gah.... today is cleaning day. Totally Adderal inspired lol.

Things are going okay. My rent is now covered for the month (yay!) and I'm very quickly looking for a different job.... my social anxiety proved way to much for all the crowds at Walmart. I spent part of the week depressed because of it, but I know I can't stay down, I need to fight it, so I have been. Being in the dumps about it won't change it and makes it so much worse. It is like a cycle of frustrations and limitations with my issues that just pulls me right down.

I have a regular visit with my doctor (today i just stopped in) coming up where we can talk more about meds for social anxiety exclusively. I haven't look as much into it (doesn't help not having .net) so I don't know much about what meds work just for that. I may ask to switch anti-depressants and see if that helps, as some help anxiety too, and my Celexa seems to be working less than it used to which is frustrating.

I had one interview this week already and looking at possibly one more, I am looking for something small and nearby to my apartment. I'm actually fairly confident I'll find something. I see the Voc Rehab lady next week too, so I think that will be a huge help. Took forever for them to get my records but they have them now so now it's time to find me a job I can do without being sick to my stomach with worry and panic, etc.

My caseworker is talking me into seeing a real therapist (vs the councelor i was seeing) to deal head on with the anxiety and self esteem to try to resolve it since we think they go hand in hand. Could be interesting....

Anyhow, gotta run, hope everyone is well!

-M