June 19, 2011

This might be a very long blog....

Quite a bit to catch up on....

To make a long story short, I started having suicidal thoughts after becoming very depressed, after not being able to deal with my social anxiety at my new job I was unable to keep. I called my docs office and they convinced me to come up to the hospital. I ended up going inpatient for eleven days.

What was different about this time around (been on unit four times now...) was that I pushed myself much harder. I was basically sick of the same try/fail routine I've been stuck in most of my life. So, I started really fighting. Instead of just wanting to.

I made such a hard effort during my inpatient stay, that all three docs were impressed and with the help of the social worker on staff, they got me into a partial program. Partial means you go to the hospital during the day but come home at night. It isn't covered by Medicaid here and I'm broke, but it's a charity hospital and they worked it out where I would not have to pay.

I am extremely grateful. Going into partial is the best thing that could have happened. I wish it had happened years ago. I have multiple groups with four other patients and a therapist, see the psychiatrist as a group once a week, see the psychologist three times a week as a group and for one hour 1 on 1 each week, have access to a nurse, get fed, etc. It's five days a week and around 4.5 to 5 hours a day.

Everyone is super supportive and nice and the psychologist doesn't let me run circles around him like the others all have. It's a good thing but I HATE it! He's chipping away at the invisible wall I put up years ago. And making progress. Things like neglect and verbal abuse as a young child is what they think helped push me into the disorders I have, though there is also a high genetic link with anxiety on dad's side and depression + mood disorders on mom's.

The two biggest things to come out of my participation in partial is two new diagnosis and me actually learning to communicate my emotions and things I've went through. I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. Right now the docs think that the OCD is the root of most of my problems. They think I had early onset OCD before six years of age and it's just gotten worse and snowballed to where it is at now.

Basically, I worry all the time. I always have. But I didn't have the perspective to see it was OCD. My worry is obsessive worrying about everything bad that could happen to me and bad things in general happening or me doing something embarrassing or fucking up etc. That is the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes out predominantly in the form of picking and biting at my fingers. Anyone who knows me has probably seen me do that. Other things I do compulsively as a reaction to the worry is checking. Checking doors to make sure they are locked multiple times, checking multiple times in something i wrote for spelling errors, facing things forward, arranging things a certain way, etc. Another compulsion for me is avoidance. I will go to extreme measures to avoid running into people like walking extra blocks, going places in early morning, hiding out in my house and canceling plans. All this time I just thought I worried a lot and was a chicken. Now I know it's more than that.

The PTSD diagnosis comes from an incident that happened when I lived with my mom when I was 13. I'm not going to write about it here though, because I don't believe in airing my mom's trauma here. But the incident left a bigger impact than I thought it did and it aggravates the already annoying 24/7 worrying.

I'll do my best to post more often, going to the library after my classes. I'm glad to be back!

-M

June 16, 2011

hi from a wii

will try to get online from library or jess's in next few days.
-M