July 30, 2011

7/30/11

Today is twenty days clean.....and going strong :) :) For once, I'm actually proud of MYSELF. And I should be. I've done really well and stayed determined not to use anything.

Today I'm going over by Jess's and we are all trying to get on chat, JP, Paul, TT and Brubru. Should be very enjoyable!!

On the downside, my cat has lost her damned mind.... first she knocked my bucket of colored pencils off the shelf.......sigh. Then she pulled ALL my group papers out of my folder and dragged them around the livingroom.....grrrrrr. Then she knocked all my perfume bottles behind my dresser. Again...... SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!! #@!$

-M

Edit: (12:20 am) So I've been having the funnest time online. All of us are on and we've even swapped some calls (and phones too lol) and this is just what I needed. I miss these sort of chats. Everything from philosophical to dirty to just........juvenile lol. Thanks you guys for making it such a fun evening!!!

7/29/11

Yesterday we talked with Dr. Graham about negative energy and honoring your parents even if one has been abusive and this is something that upsets him a lot, as he's seen kids go through torture with an abusive parent yet the victim thinks they have an obligation to look up to that parent. In his words, it's bullshit. I felt the topic hit home for me because I still catch myself putting my mom on a high pedestal even though I've dealt with so much because of her. He made a point to lock eyes with me a few times while talking on the subject, which is his way of saying....and you realize this pertains to YOU right.....

I was a little panicky when he brought up the '93 incident at Mom's, vaguely, during group session. I felt like walking out of the room. Not because he brought it up in front of others, I know them well enough, but because even hearing it mentioned makes me uncomfortable. I rationalized with myself while sitting there that walking out would do nothing positive and would just garner me a lot of fast attention, because you can't just walk out and go home. They are responsible for you while there and I've seen others walk out and they'd go chase them down and talk them into coming back in. So I stayed.

The evening wasn't too bad. Spent some time at home for a change, reading and relaxing. I took Paul's advice and recorded my thoughts on cassette for Dr. Graham instead of writing it down. I had a lot of reservations about it, some of my friends know how much I LOVE to talk things out....not. But it turned out to be a really good experience and a healthy venting experience at that. Now I just have to convince myself to turn the tape over to Dr. Graham on Monday.....not sure about that yet, though it would probably be very helpful.

In group we were each given a motto or saying and had to figure out how it applied to us. Mine was 'you can't unscramble scrambled eggs'. I said I felt it meant that what is done is done and you can't go back and change it. Billi was pleased I understood it. She said it's like me and my past, I cannot go back and change the ending so I have to stop LIVING there. Good point.

She also read some quotes that were very good. The one about keeping things held in and it destroying you really got to me, and I left group for the day in a deep thought.

-M

7/28/11

Went to an NA meeting with a friend last night on the campus here in town. It was funny because we sat in the car and didn't want to get out. The more people that pulled in, the more anxious we got. We had to talk each other into getting out of the car before we talked each other into taking off!!
For some reason the building was all locked up, so they held an impromptu meeting outside in the stifling heat for about thirty minutes. They read the cards and opened the meeting to discussion right away. Then we all got to dive back in our A/C cooled cars lol.

Group Notes:

-Learned about different family roles. Identified I am the "lost child" role and have carried that into adulthood and would like to get over that so I can be successful.
-Dr. Graham talked about the urgent need to work on the domestic violence incident. Scheduled a 1 on 1 for next Tuesday and I'm already fretting over it.

-M

July 27, 2011

Went to my first NA meeting last night with some friends. The meeting was really neat. It was sort of a slap in the face, I always thought that addicts were the ones on heroin or meth that couldn't stop but there are all types of addicts. For me, I was addicted to always being on something, no matter what it was, just as long as I was high. A person in the meeting said that very thing and I was like, woah, hey that's me too. Everyone was very nice and welcoming and seemed to genuinely care. I definitely want to go back to that one.

The ride there and back was great too. We listened to music, had lots of conversation and ate at Sonic. Was really a good evening.

When I got home I was wore out. Took meds late, but was out like a light. Had a weird dream that a cousin of mine had mean dogs that kept biting me and dad and I took off and ended up in some strange cartoon land trying to find animal control and being chased by the dogs.

Like I said.....
Weird.

-M

Group Notes:
Watched a video from Dr. Amen, who has made strides in fitting the right meds to patients through brain spect imaging. Very interesting stuff.

In this video we learned:
*The brain is involved with everything you do
*When your brain works right, you work right
*Brain is most complex organ in the universe
-100 billion neurons
-each nerve cell connected to other cells
-brain used 20-30% of your calories used
*Brain is very soft, almost like butter
-Skull is very hard w/ many ridgeshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
-Even minor brain injuries matter
*Problems in specific areas cause specific problems
*Most psych illnesses are not simple problems
*Imaging helps psychiatrists do their job
-Most never look at brain scans
-Psychiatry is like guessing and trial and error

Help your brain by eating more lean protein, complex carbs, omgega 3, and cut down on high fat, sugars and caffeine.

*just because you have a thought, doesn't mean it's true
*negative thoughts release chemicals in the brain that are negative and bad for you

Dr. Amen's website: http://www.brainplace.com/

Group was good. Had to leave early to go see a lady about rental coverage. After a year I made it to the top of the list. We should have all the requirements met by early next week. I can stay on the program as long as I want to.

Mom called today, after I left a message for her yesterday on her friend's phone. I was in group and missed her call, but she left a message. She answered all I asked her to, and now know the guy from that domestic incident, his name was Jeff. He wasn't supposed to drink, but his friend was killed while a bunch of them had been snowmobiling, so he spent the rest of the day and evening drinking massive amounts of brandy and vodka. He ended up over at our place around 8pm and the cops wrestled him out around 10:30pm, so it went on longer than I'd realized.

-M

July 24, 2011

July 24, 2011

The posts going back to July 1 I believe, are all posts I wrote today from my written journal, to catch things up here. They are pretty open and honest and I hope won't shock anyone too badly. Sorry if they do :(

Things are going really really well. I've stuck to my meds like clockwork and stayed away from all drugs and alcohol. It's now been 14 days clean and sober. Yay :D

Partial is going really well. It's a tad unnerving because there are 10 of us in there now, vs. four last time I was in Partial, but I'm dealing with it. Thursday was my first day back. I was worried, like a little kid who'd been in trouble but people were really amazing. Billi, the Partial program coordinator, was like, that was in the past, this is now, keep doing really hard work, we aren't angry, behave! lol. Dr. Graham, in his group, said stop breaking his heart lol. He did ask if I was worried about how it broke trust and I said I was very worried about that and he said just keeping doing what I was supposed to and it will be okay. After his group he pulled me aside, put his hands on my cheeks, and wobbled them saying 'stay off the shit Misty girl, you don't need it'.... I know, he's right. It was just easier to hide my emotions and pain behind drugs and alcohol.

It's been harder in partial now, not being able to run home to drugs. I have to face my fears, emotions and anger head on. I'm trying as hard as I can. I've having some weird dreams, sometimes nightmares. The thing that happened at Mom's, they diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of that and Dr. Graham said it's common when starting to face that head on, to have it pop up in dreams and my thoughts during the day as well. He encouraged me to journal those things down, because the more he knows the more he can help. So I've been doing that.

Amazingly, (well maybe not so amazingly if you think about it lol) I've had more energy and motivation. I've been working on the apartment a lot, and getting projects done and even today I have a huge list of stuff to do and i'm more than 1/3rd of the way through it. It feels good to get things done.

I have two friends, one from Partial, one from my building, who are going to go to N/A meetings with me. They offer them most days at the college where JP goes. Should be interesting. I'll tell you what I think after I go to a few, but can't say much, because they are both anonymous and confidential.

I just feel really good. I HAVE to take my meds every time, as prescribed. I have this issue where I start to feel good and then I cut back on the meds thinking I don't need them. It traps me every time. So this time I'll do just as they say. So I can keep feeling good. A relative of mine who also has bipolar said it's part of the illness. Have to remember that.

Ok, lots to do, write more as soon as I can.
-M

July 18, 2011

Still not sure when I can go home. I didn't get to see Dr. Hix yesterday, as JP came for a visit. So far, I haven't seen him today either. Hope he comes back up today.
JP's visit was great! I haven't seen her for a while so it was great seeing her. And it makes me feel better in this place to see people I know. It's comforting and helps you get through the day.
While she was here, I apologized to her, for choosing drugs over her. I apologized for not being around or answering my phone and breaking plans with her - just so I could do drugs instead. I wasn't being a very good friend at all.
It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It actually felt good, like freeing and letting a bit more off my shoulders. And it was relief that I still have her as a friend. She accepted my apology :)
We planned to get together once I get out of here. There is a lot out there to photograph this time of year....so look out!!
In our groups today we covered Bipolar and how stress can affect the body. I didn't realize how many symptoms I have. Gastro, cardio, concentration, shaking, headache, crying, neck and shoulder aches, fast breathing, overeating, tapping feet, increase in drug/alcohol/tobacco use, face flushing and clenching my jaw are all symptoms I have. With the group on bipolar, I learned a lot more about the manic phase of how it pertains to me. I think my mania is more like fast talking, super happy and giddy. The depressive stage is sleeping too much not being to do anything, drugs, depression.
Finally I talked to Dr. Hix. I get out Wednesday. And I got partial back!!!!!!!! To be in partial this time I have mandatory three NA meetings a week and weekly random U/A's. Fine by me.
Dr. Hix gave me some advice on how to calm myself down if I ever panic that bad again. He said I have the ability to calm myself down, I just have to use it, by doing positive and encouraging self talk and remembering to breathe deep and slow and remember it will pass. Hopefull I won't have to use these things for a long, long time.
-M

July 17, 2011

Well, I've been in the hospital since Friday evening. Don't like being here again, but I am. They put me on a 96 hour hold because I didn't want to come into the unit.
I'm learning a lot from the staff and peers this time, but I've also been very open and talking a LOT. One of the nurses and I had a really good chat today, about how I feel about losing the Partial program (from drug use and cutting), which I said I feel like I've lost my daily support system and was cut off right in the middle of the very hard work I was doing. It's made me feel less confident that I can stay on the right track and like I've been punished for my problems. I am extremely aware that I broke a rule and I made a mistake and chose the wrong way to cope. But, I also feel like I've been left hanging off a tight rope with no one professional to help me find my way that I can actually trust. It took extreme effort to trust them and now I question if I could do all this again with someone else. I'm just not sure. I do feel very guilty and I'm really trying not to beat myself up too badly, but it's hard not to. I'm just so sorry about what I've done, but not surprised I've ruined something good for me. Again.
We also talked about my panic attack that got me in here this time and how important it is for me to be aggressive in not letting it get out of control. It is so easy for me to succumb to the panic and anxiety, but I've learned so many coping skills. Maybe I'm so used to letting it go negative that I have to really drill it into my head that I HAVE to learn how to TAKE control. I have the tools, I just need to practice doing it. I have still been practicing turning negatives into positives in my head and it has been helping a lot. I haven't done drugs or cut in seven days now and I'm really proud of myself. I need to keep taking one day at a time and being happy about the small things.
Today we had to talk in group about what brought each of us in here and I said why, and even told that it made me remember what happened to Mom and I. I may not have went into detail, but it was a start. Acknowledging it out loud.
I've been working hard to keep on track with no drugs or alcohol. I have a sponsor, I've taken inventory of my years of drug and alcohol use, made a list of people I need to apologize to and plan to attend some NA meetings. I think the more I talk about things I've done, the more I can come to terms with my drug problems.
I've noticed, I feel better by going a week without anything. The longer I go without, the better I will feel. It's good incentive.
-M

July 5, 2011

Fourth of July was cool. I am disappointed with myself though as I got nothing I needed to done. I spent almost the entire day high as a kite and glued to a chair. Once nightfall approached, I got my camera ready and myself and some friends headed to the third floor. The one who knew how to get to the roof took down a ceiling tile and climbed up a ladder to a wooden ladder installed in the wall, to the real ceiling, then through a hatch and above that, to another wooden ladder and then through the roof hatch and out.
I almost didn't even try to do it. The low level heights I'm afraid of is a major fear of mine, and the fear of falling and bugs/spiders/webs was another. My friend talked me through it and kept me going when I would get stuck and freeze with fear and I made it to the roof!! Yay me!!
The view.... was amazing. The only thing in town taller than our building is the steeple on the courthouse, so you can see for miles and miles. Took many pics, hoping a few shots worked well. There were so many fireworks going off all over town and other towns and beyond. Was really incredible.
Was hard to get up for Partial to, but had to anyhow. Everyone was tired today so at least I wasn't the only one. Groups were on changing things about yourself and on worrying and how to dismiss or deal with them.
Dr. Graham's group was good as well. I was stressed about giving him this little notebook I write in, because I wrote about how I felt about the incident at Mom's years ago (when she was severely beat up by her boyfriend while I was hiding upstairs). I also wrote about how severe my hatred of myself is, but I gave it to him anyhow. I didn't worry as much as the first time I handed the notebook over. Maybe next time, I'll worry even less.
Now off to finish the fridge upstairs *shudders*.....ack! Only have the very bottom inside left.
-M

July 3, 2011

Been working on Jim's fridge yesterday and today. (three tenants moved out and two had trashed their apartments badly, so I'm helping clean to knock off some rent)
Talk about GROSS. I've had some messy fridges but that one is really bad. I've been using Clorox Wipes, Krud Buster and rags, lighting incense and spraying dragonfruit Febreeze. Hopefully I'll have it done by tomorrow. You know it's bad when you are scraping mysterious stuff off with a paint scraper......... *shudders*
I bought a non-menthol pack of smokes today because I'm coughing. Smoked two packs from Friday afternoon through Saturday morning....
Also been smoking things I really shouldn't be. And doing other drug related things I shouldn't be. And drinking. Basically everything I'm NOT supposed to be doing. It's frustrating not being able to talk to Dr. Graham about it, but I can't in Partial (my classes) or I will be kicked out, and partial is helping in a lot of areas. I feel it's not fair I can't talk about it. I really want to. As soon as I am out of Partial and see Dr. Graham on my own, I'm confessing to all of it, because I know it's not the right way to cope. I am just dealing with so much, I feel this overwhelming need to self medicate.
-M

July 1, 2011

I can't believe it's already July. How fast the past year has gone, but how crappy it's been. Since I came to Missouri I've had 3 moves, 5 jobs and 4 hospitalizations. And now I'm only one month into partial and still going every day of the week. We have a very good group, all nice and understanding.
Billi's groups are good. Diverse topics, lots of talking and worksheets to fill out, which I like. I'm getting better with Dr. Graham after a hard start. At first I was so scared I wanted to take off. Like, who is this person asking such personal questions and not letting me get away with shit. It was very hard to answer his questions, it feels very intrusive and unnerving. I know I need to do this and that it will be painful for a while. I just wish it wasn't SO hard to do. But I sure am trying with all my might.
I'm having bad dreams, thinking about things that were done to me or said to me, having to talk about how I hate myself and I've actually been crying in little spurts. Dr. Graham hypnotized me this week and for about 5 hours afterwards I had almost no anxiety and no worries in my head. He made me a cassette of it so I can do it at home, now I just need a tape player..... Paul!!!!!!!! Any ideas???
Dr. Hix was worried about my finger picking/biting. He's hoping Dr. Graham can help me with that using more hypnosis.

-M