September 29, 2011

......

I can choose to use
I can choose not to use
If I pick up that pipe
I know I'm going to lose

So I keep going to NA
To hear what they have to say
They are all just like family
And want to help me find my way

I really believe it this time
No more pills or another line
I don't need it any more
Now I'm healing on the inside


-M

9/29/11

*81 Days*

Notes and stuff from class:

*Dr. G wants me to write down how the fire was the catalyst to me being able to work so hard on myself and so quickly open up and start changing.

*When I want a smoke, get out of the house as fast as I can and go for a walk.

*Feeling some urges while quitting smoking isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is OK to feel discomfort once in a while. Can't always cover it up with a pill or smoke or drugs.

*No one can completely understand what you are going through, or be in your shoes. Even the others from the fire don't know exactly how I felt and what I went through, they know what they went through individually.

*Humans cannot live without at least some love or affection.

*I've come a very long way with opening up to people and being able to welcome and handle affection. He said when I first started I was stiff as a board and said almost nothng and I hated even a pat on the back. Now all that is just about gone. He was like...just about??? I said yeah I still have my moments, I think it is a progression I'm going through.

*The more you change the negative thoughts to positives the easier it is and the less stress it causes to the mind and body. It affects you more than you realize.

*When in depression, you are tuning everything out, closing up and it is very self-centered, because with depression it's all about I feel horrible, etc.

*When in depression also remember you are not in a corner, you are not without hope, you have to push very hard, get out of your house, go for walks, help someone with something, etc.

*Learning in strides to fight back and rise against the bad things that have happened in my life.

*People need to really self examine and learn about ourselves. The more we learn, the better we know who we are.

*I'm opening up a LOT more, feeling other people's energy and feelings.

*Did a meditation about receiving love and giving love and a deep relaxation on positivity and feeling well, which helped because I had a bit of anxiety today (ran out of vistaril).

*Was able to concentrate very well during the meditation and deep relaxation. It seems to be getting easier for me to do. He said the more you do it the easier it is to get in that state.

*Dr. Amante group:

-Much much improved. Wishes I could see a tape of what I was like when I first came in so I could see the difference in myself. I've found some of my confidence. Wants me also to keep working with Dr. Graham as that seems to be the big part of why I am getting better - actually working the psychotherapy. Hopes I keep working hard and is truly happy with my progress. And likes what I wore today lol.

-M


September 28, 2011

9/28/11

*80 Days*

Today was a good day. I hung out with my friend at her work and we enjoyed the conversation. She hates the boredom when she sits there so long between customers, and her personal life is so up in the air, she said she likes it when I come there. I brought my recipe cutting/sorting project with me and I got tons done today. As of now I've cut out and sorted 688 recipes and counting. I'm curious to see what the total will be.

I was on the case net site today looking at my friend's asshole soon to be ex boyfriend's case and was going through the docket entries and made a startling discovery. He's been having this probation revocation postponed numerous times in the last year and the second to last time he had it revoked was because of a complete lie. He told the judge and the court that the reason why he needed it postponed was because his son died in the Joplin tornado and he needed to be at the memorial service. Well. His son, is alive and well and not even living in Joplin. How horrible is that?????  The judge is gonna be pissed off when he finds out and his sister has made it clear she is going to call the prosecuting attorney and tell him his son is alive. His family is pretty mad at him. Cannot blame them one bit.

And my friend is just counting down the days. I told her any time she needs me just to call. My big thing is making sure she is safe as he is becoming more unhinged the closer the court date gets. Only a few more days....

I am very much interested in what tomorrow's class will have in store for us. With Bille being so busy, we get Dr. Graham all day. Much discussion has gone on between a few of us about what we will learn, as we learn tons during his 45 minute psychotherapy groups as it is. Should be very interesting....

Off to chat with TT and JP :D

-M




The Snake Story

Dr. Graham's snake story:

A lady was walking out in the snow and came upon a snake. The snake was freezing to death and the woman felt sorry for it. She picked him up and took him inside and put him near the fire. Over the next few days she nursed it back to health, feeding it and keeping it warm.
One day she came up to feed him and the snake bit her. She said, "Why did you bit me? I've fed you and kept you warm and saved your life!" The snake replied, "Because I am a snake. That is what I do."

He told this story in relation to how there are people that can come into our lives that are not good people. No matter what you do for them and how much you help, in the end, they will always still be that bad person.

It is a really good lesson.

-M


September 27, 2011

9/27/11

* 79 Days*

Dr. Graham: "Why can't a paranoid person go to a football game?.......  Because he thinks they are talking about him in the huddle."
 Hahahaha :P

Spent the day yesterday with a good friend yesterday and had a great time. We hung out at the apartment, which was fun because her scumbag soon to be ex-boyfriend was at class. We went through a huge bag of donated clothes, sorting them in piles for her and myself. We had coffee and just chatted a lot. We also looked over her soon to be ex-boyfriend's court papers. He said he had three probation violations...turned out it was NINE. Wow....he really does lie about everything....

We also went to Maurices which was a BLAST. Used a little bit of donation funds to buy a new outfit, so I can have at least one brand new thing in my wardrobe. I felt so....much like a real woman again. I bought a cool woman style NYC tshirt, a wonderful black shawl (sp?) and a silver headband shaped like a vine with leaves on it. I'll wear it the day I graduate partial.

I took some time to start the recipe organizing project for a friend of mine in earnest. Talk about a TON of recipes... Not even cut out of the newspaper pages, sides of boxes or can labels. It will keep me busy like I wanted. I love doing things like organizing and sorting (my ocd) and it gives me something to do with my hands. It does make me wonder how many more she has, since she said this was a start!!  I'm writing down some of them as I go...they are all so yummy sounding.

This same friend and I went to an NA meeting as well. It was very small compared to Fridays, but was a really good one. I talked quite a bit, because there was a girl new to NA that really wanted to stay off what she'd been on and was in a similar situation to myself so I talked about what I'd all been through and how things are different now.

This morning I talked with Bille for a while when I got to partial. They pushed back my discharge date another week, but not because of any issues with me. There are two people leaving and two discharges on one day is a lot for them to handle. It's so tough on Bille that she won't be teaching any groups that day. Instead we get Dr. Graham for the entire day. THAT should be very interesting. He'll probably end up hypnotizing the whole group or something lol.

It sure is nice to be back at group. My days are so far apart now, so I enjoy when I am here. Maybe this is why I am going to more NA meetings here in town, to kind of make up for the less days at partial. My old therapist is starting a Borderline Personality group in November and she's got my name on the list. That should really be interesting. And I want to try to hit that ADHD group in town on Tuesdays if I can find a way there. It would be really informative.

The big key with partial winding down, is keeping myself busy. My Wednesdays and Saturdays I hang out with a friend while she is at work and we have really great conversations. My Monday and Fridays I do NA in town and Sundays I do NA in Savannah. I want to pinpoint a day to drag JP over here and she can do homework and I can do stuff of the puter. I know I can drag her in....I'll just COOK for her haha :D I also want to start getting self help books from the library and from the campus library if JP will check them out for me. The more I keep learning, the better.

I also made a strong decision, for my mental health, to not watch the Conrad Murray trial. As much as I want to watch it all unfold, I feel it is too risky right now. I'd get tied up in it and then upset and who knows how I'd end up by the end of it all. I worry other fans are going to make this mistake.  So instead, a friend of mine who's a fan, is going to give me little updates every day. That way I know what happens without getting tied in and obsessed with it all. Today even, fans got pretty well mentally destroyed, because they showed a picture to the jury of MJ dead on a gurney at the hospital. It's just not healthy, when you've been a big fan, to put yourself through that. And I feel that this trial will probably take what little was left of MJ's dignity and throw it to the ground. I feel for his family.

Groups 9/27/11

1. Worksheets on the differences between Assertive, Aggressive, Passive and Passive - Aggressive and situations and how each react.

2. Conflict Resolution
-Avoidance
-Accommidation
-Aggression
-Compromise
-Problem Solving
-Resolving Conflict and making change.

3. Dr. Graham's Group
-Dare myself to go 1 week without smokes, see what happens
-If we are not doing our learning and personal growth, we are miserable
-Need to start writing down negative thoughts again and then writing a counteraction
-Not surprised how hard it is for me to stop thinking negative.... others were negative to me, so then I took over and did it for them
-Made the mistake of saying something negative and he's like...........stopitstopitstopit kdfjejfjweijfwejfrwejfiowejfiwejfweifj !!!!!   LOL!
-When I talk to Mom again, need to be more assertive and not passive. Tell her how the criticisms and things she says really hurt me and instill my (wrong) belief that I am worthless and horrible. Ask her does she really want me to think that way about myself???
-Asked who he would suggest as a therapist and he said........... well me. Ha! I said you are too pricey for me buddy. And he said he wasn't ready to let me go yet, as I still have a lot to work on, so he'd work something out so I could see him instead of a therapist. Nothing better than seeing a psychologist vs. a therapist (especially when the PhD is really good at what he does....). He worries if I see someone else, I'll go back to running laps around the person and not getting to the bottom of things.

Anywho, hope everyone reading this is doing well :)
-M









hellooooo

will post a proper blog this evening. been busy with a few projects. keeping myself very busy and it keeps me happy :D
-m

September 23, 2011

Fooooooooooooooooooood!!! :)

Went to the grocery store at 5:50 this morning. Yes, this is really me and I'm not off the rocker lol. :P

Had a lot of shopping to do so had to get it done while it wasn't nuts at the store.

Drives me crazy, how if you eat healthy it costs you a fortune but if you eat a bunch of crap it's cheap. Shouldn't this be the other way around???


Tracey, if you come visit, you MUST come with me to see the natural/healthy section at the grocery store here in town. I got all sorts. I found mustard with no food coloring, chicken stock with no coloring, bread with no sugar, juice with no added anything but fruit juices, olive oil cooking spray, black bean veggie burgers, instant oat and flax oatmeal with no sugars, chicken brats with no extra crap in them, etc. etc.  Was so fun....and SO expensive!





I got lots of great fruit and veggies. Oranges, pears, coconut, mango, bananas, mini watermelon, spinach, pineapple, snow peas, brussel sprouts, alfalfa sprouts, etc etc. Was all so healthy...and again so expensive.

Yay for Missouri food assistance. At least I'm buying nutritional stuff with my card, unlike many who buy nothing but snacks, sodas, etc. You'd think they would mandate it more....

Here's to my health.

-M

9/22/11

*74 Days*

Had a good day. Unfortunately I had a toothache most of the day, but I didn't let it slow me down. Ibuprofen took the edge off. In a couple weeks I'm going to go to a dentist in Savannah that goes by income, so I can get my teeth cleaned, get root planing and antibiotics for my gums. I have moderate periodontal disease because I just don't get to the dentist often and when I'm in major depression episodes I don't take care of them well. I'm not sure if the ache was a tooth or just the ache from the gums receding and my teeth becoming very sensitive. I also had a neck ache from sleeping funny and pinching a little something in my neck and all of it added up to a nice whopper of a headache by afternoon.

Found out at class today that I'm graduating and being discharged next Thursday....yay!!!!!!!!! I'm going to miss it a lot but know that if they are finally letting me go it's because of so much improvement and hard work and they are confident I will do well. I'm very proud of that.  The big thing now is choosing a therapist. I'll see one every week but I am not sure who to pick. I got some feedback on this from Bille and will from Dr. Graham on Monday as well. I want someone at least somewhat comparable to Dr. Graham. Someone that is kind yet pushes me and asks a lot of questions. I will continue to use my old psychiatrist, Dr. Butt, as I adore the guy. He is this older guy from India who is very sweet and kind and just has this little sparkle in his eye all the time. I just need to talk to him some about what I can and cannot have, etc.

Groups 9/22/11

1. Passive vs. Aggressive vs. Assertive
(descriptions - not everyone is each of these descriptions)

*Passive*
-don't speak up
-shy
-doormat
-clam up
-don't express feelings
-laid back
-follower
-resentful
-low confidence
-don't want to deal with things
-victim

*Aggressive*
-take advantage
-pushy
-don't care who they hurt to get what they want
-outspoken
-bully
-controlling
-bossy
-arrogent
-manipulative
-low self worth

*Assertive*
-honest
-respectful
-confident
-good self esteem
-goal driven
-well balanced
-direct
-firm
-can say no
-don't need approval of others

2. Dr. Graham's Group
-Don't tunnel vision and focus on one thing, open it up, open your mind
-I am feeling more peaceful, not as stressed
-Stop ruminating/worrying over everything, when I catch myself, stop myself
-Keep working on negative self talk and expression
-Dreams are part of PTSD from escaping the fire and watching the building burn and collapse, have patience and write the dreams out to help deal with them.
-Discharge next week!!
-Don't forget the montra...."be kind and loving to yourself"

3. Dr. Hix's Group
-Dreams will start to go away, be patient
-Unusual to have strong memory/reaction to dreams when they don't wake me up in the middle of the night, is definitely PTSD symptomrs
-Meds are going very well, took over a year to get them right but now they are.
-Amazed how the fire was my catalist to start working so hard on myself....maybe everyone needs a fire in their life....har har   <- lmao!

-M

PS:

Live Well ~ Laugh Often ~ Love Much
:-)








September 21, 2011

9/21/11

*73 Days*

Went to the NA meeting last night, which went very well. I even talked, although I wanted to say more but my anxiety got in the way. Proud of myself for pushing myself to say something.
I ended up in a very irritating situation when it came to dinner afterwards. I'd planned to buy a salad at the pizza shop, because I couldn't have the pizza because of the sauce and cheese. A friend who was driving us kept saying I couldn't do that because another person with wanted to pay and we should all just stick with what he got and I could have one of the side salads. I argued with her a bit on it. She was like, well you can have that and then eat when you get home.  But to eat at home meant thawing out chicken and cooking it at 10pm and not getting to sleep until way after 11pm when I had to be up early in the morning.
In the end, after having the tiny salad of just lettuce, I was so hungry and a little shaky, I ended up having some of the pizza. And now today, I have acid reflux and GI issues already and it will get worse before it gets better. I don't know if I will continue to go down there for meetings, because it isn't compatible with my health, which comes first. The meetings here in town, I'm starting to like more anyhow. I feel more comfortable and can talk better at the ones here, as they are candle light ones.
Hanging out with my friend at work today. It's been fun. I brought my pampered chef stuff so she could see and opening it all up was like xmas! I can't wait to use the little garlic peeler, which strips the peel right off, so no time messing with it. Also can't wait to try out the can strainer, which you put over the top of a can after opening it so the water comes out but not the food.
We ended up having the most funny conversation.... a friend of her (creep abuser soon to be ex...) boyfriend gave him some "mountain oysters" and she had to spend most of the day preparing them. When they were finally done, her boyfriend was asleep, and then barely ate any at all.  Then today he was whining he wanted a chicago style hotdog from sonic for dinner.   Well, I told her she should throw the pig testicles on a bun and put all the toppings on and say "here's your chicago style testicles babe....".   She was laughing so hard she could barely talk to a customer that walked in lol.
Still having my weird dreams about being in collapsed buildings. It's not like I think about buildings collapsing all day but sure enough most nights I dream that way. I'm trying to be patient, after what I went through and seeing the pub collapse and world financial's back end collapse, but it's really annoying. I don't want to dream like that at night, it messes with my head during the day. Need to talk to Bille or Dr. Graham about it tomorrow. Those dreams need to go away.

-M

September 20, 2011

9/20/11

*72 Days *

Got a much better start today than yesterday. Was up around 7:30 or so. It's really nice to be back in group after taking yesterday off with sinus issues. Feeling a little crappy still, maybe allergies? Sinus aches, stuffed up and watery eyes galore.
Told Bille about the Feingold diet and she thought it sounded really cool and was curious how it goes. She said to tell Dr. Graham about it as he has worked more with ADHD than she has. Asked if next week is my last week but no answer yet.
Talked to my bro yesterday as he needed some venting so I was his ear for a while. We are both worried about me not getting his check yet so we'll give it until Thursday but then he is going to cancel and send it again. A family member on FB said she is also sending some money, which is so sweet :)

Groups

*First groups were all more on activities, than papers. Was fun!

3. Dr. Graham's Group
-When saying things like "not smoking is driving me crazy" it is giving it power, need to stop that.
-Walking and eating better will definitely help with energy, weight and self esteem as well as something to be proud of.
-Talked more about not letting others get me upset. Don't own their actions, it doesn't have to affect me or make me feel bad.

1 on 1
-Dr. Graham conned me into taking the stairs instead of the elevator....what a coercer.... lmao!
-Worked on guilt and letting it go. On being able to take in love as well as receive it. Talked some on my grandfather and how dissapointed I am on not achieving more when he was alive, felt like I could have made him more proud of me, felt like a disappointment. Was a good thing to get off my chest, been holding that in for years. Worked on being able to accept myself, that I'm not a bad person and nothing is wrong with me. Taken big strides in erasing the things others put in my head growing up.  Starting to really figure out who I am.

After the 1 on 1 I feel really great, was an awesome session. Really learning to vent different things that are hard for me and then sort them out and turn them into positives, like they are learning experiences, etc.

-M


September 18, 2011

Drooling.

drool.............................

http://www.amazon.com/gp/mpd/permalink/m1WA23NVIGM1JY/ref=ent_fb_link

I watch it every day to not spend any money so i can save for this. With this I can do school and practice fast action photography and get even better macro than my old camera and learn more about shooting.

Must.....have....patience....

:)




September 17, 2011

9/17/11

*69 Days*

Having a good weekend so far. On Friday I went to a meeting here in town with friends. It was a really good meeting. It was another candlelight where you pick a stick. Mine this time was patience. I talked about how I'd wanted to be a photographer after school and then many things including drugs got in the way of that. Now that I'm clean, I realize I still want to be a photographer and I'm finding I have to have patience right now. It's like I want everything now, but it doesn't work that way. It all comes with time. I'm working again with voc rehab to find me a small part time job. Then I can save the money for a new camera. Then I can take the NYIP course I want to take, as you have to have a camera with manual mode on it. So then I'll save for that one I want. Once I get through that course, I want to shadow a photographer here in town who has a studio (have a really good idea who I'll pick too). I'm not yet sure I want to do four year college. It's not needed in the field I want to go in to. More than anything I need to learn more about the field of photography. I've talked to some photographers already that said they did four year college and it was a waste of time and money, because most jobs in the field don't even look at that, they look purely at knowledge of photography, hands on experience and raw talent. I'm not sure with my ADHD and things that I would make it through four years of college and the demands that would be placed on me. Because of my disabilities I need to approach life in a more relaxed fashion while trying to find a way to be a photographer. It is just the way it goes. I refuse to file for disability. I refuse to give up. I just need to make a life I can sustain without putting too much pressure on myself and end up in another downhill spiral. I've had so many people tell me how good my work is, and I'm at the point now from learning in partial that you know what? It IS that good. It is a natural talent that I've not taken a single class for and have a passion for. I need to do something with this talent, as I am happiest, when creating and photographing.

Jeepers sorry for the ramble! Just thinking it out as I go....

Today was a good day. I went for a long walk in the chilly temps this morning. I figure if I am going to eat so healthy, why not put the full effort in and exercise as well? I have gotten much better about how I look at myself but have found I'm very unhappy about my weight. So, I'm taking action. I want to get back down to where I feel I naturally should be. I'm only this overweight from no exercise and eating mass amounts of junk food, fast food and processed crap. Plus the walk always makes me feel good for the rest of the day.

I spent the rest of the day up at my friend's work, keeping her company between customers (which she thanked me numerous times for as she gets very bored lol) and working more on catching my written journal back up. I am up to 9/2/11...yay! Soon it will be current and I can write in it every day and then copy parts into my blog each evening.

This evening's plan is just to relax, listen to nice soothing music, burn a few incense and candles, catch up the journal further and chat if anyone comes on line. And in my pj's!!! :)

Happy evening everyone,
-M


NOM NOM NOM

I'm eating a grilled turkey salad tonight.......... and it is really yummy! I ate very well today with bananas and oranges and snacked on celery and carrots during the day and had two salads, my lunch one and this one. On the 22nd I will go back to the store and get more assorted veggies and some lentils and whole grain rice as well. Then I'll have more of a selection. Starting off I just wanted to see if I could be determined enough to eat like this, but it's been no problem at all and I enjoy it. Gone are the days of tiredness and bloatiness and GI problems from eating too much and the wrong things :)

September 16, 2011

My next camera

My goal: By the end of the year, to have this in my hands....

My next camera

This thing is waaaaaaaaaaaay beyond what I had with the last camera and the last camera was amazing. This is probably the type of camera I should be using though. And it's half the price of the old one, yet is way more advanced. I can't believe camera prices have come down so far. Amazing.

Dreaming of it already.....

-M

Changin the old eating ways....

I'm starting to eat in a whole new way. I went to the store early this morning and bought what I needed to start it. I've done a LOT of reading on ADHD in relation to what we eat, especially when it comes to preservatives and food coloring. There's quite a bit to back it up.
I had NO IDEA just how much crap is in the food we eat. Preservative chemicals and food colorings galore. Also a TON of sugars and corn syrup. Even pickles have color dye...PICKLES! It was an eye opener.
How I am eating is like a blend of the Feingold diet and the South Beach diet really. It's back to basics cooking, with fresh fruits and veggies and meats and some complex carbs like whole grain rice. I'm doing this for three reasons: my ADHD, my weight and my digestive issues (irritable bowel and lactose intolerancy). The other reason is just to get myself on a healthy eating track since I have quit drugs and alcohol, started exercising and am working on giving up smoking. It's time my body is treated the way it should be!
I'll have updates on how all this is working out, how I feel, how my memory, concentration and focus is, how my GI is responding and what effects it has on my weight. Should be interesting.
Here's to better overall health!!
-M

September 15, 2011

9/15/11

*67 Days*

As I was on my way into the hospital today, I passed a member of my group.

He told me...
"hey I saw the picture you took in the paper on Tuesday! It was really neat!"
I was like.......... "One of them made it into the paper?"
"Well yeah didn't you know?"
"I had no idea! MY pic made it to print? COOL!!"
*enter happy dance here*
 I was pretty surprised!! I didn't think they'd actually use one. Talk about happy lol. I was!

After groups today I went to the newspaper's offices as bought six copies :P One went immediately into a frame and another is set aside for Dad. Bille at partial wants one too. And I need one for my journal. Might send one to Grandma L as she gets excited with stuff like that.

Groups - 9/15/11

1. Dr. Amen and SPECT scans for the new ones in the group (loved watching it again though)

2. Dr. Graham's Group
-try again to quit smoking, set a day.
-don't need any kind of substance to get through life
-want to have my health as I get older
-would boost my self confidence
-cannot say quitting will kill me (as i did say it was so hard it was killing me), it's too hard, etc. I can do it as I did with drugs, it will be difficult but not impossible.
-will do hypnotism #2 for smoking on Tues.
-Getting pic in paper huge for confidence and shows validation to myself as a photographer.

3. Dr. Butt's Group
-happy to come back from vacation and see a new Misty :)
-Very happy I am taking my meds on time, ever day, as scheduled.
-Need to work on the smoking because I get out of breath on stairs, and cough. Don't want to go to the point of something being permanent.
-Wants to know how my experiment with the Feingold diet goes, is very interested in this, keep him posted.

4. Bille: Next week I will to Mon, Tues, Thurs, then week after that Mon and Thurs and possible discharge/graduation from program :D

-M


September 12, 2011

9/12/11

*64 Days*

I had the weirdest dream last night...

I was floating in a canoe on a river that was going in a very long circle. I kept passing the same things over and over. One was the Unit, except is was bigger because one half was the Unit and the other half was like a state mental hospital where people were eating their dinner trays and weird shit. Farther down was a gorgeous lush rain forest with waterfalls and tropical birds. Farther down from there I passed a group of cutters on an embankment. And I passed a doctor I really don't like (of ALL people....him?!) and under the water in the river were razors, knives and paper clips.... It was just really weird! Significant though when I thought about it. Has me really thinking this morning.

Groups 9/12/11

1. Cognitive Distortions
- Different types:

* All or nothing thinking: You see things in black or white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
* Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
* Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors an entire beaker of water.
* Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count". You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your every day experiences.
* Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interperatation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
* Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward you without bothering to determine if your assumption is correct.
* The fortune teller error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
* Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of thngs (such as your own goof up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (such as your own desirable qualities or another person's imperfections).
* Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true".
* Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with "shoulds" and "should'ts", as if you had to be punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When others direct should statements towards you, you feel anger, frustration and resentment.
* Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I am a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a loser." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
* Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

- When we experience frequent and strong negative thoughts they can create problems:
-Seeing oneself as a hopeless or bad person or feeling responsible whenever something goes wrong are examples of exaggerated, negative thoughts.
-Negative thoughts:
*affect our feelings
*change our behaviors
*are usually not true or only minimally true, although we tend to believe them anyway
*can lead us to feel bad about ourselves
*can lead us to feel negatively toward other people
*can make life and or future seem hopeless
- We also call these negative thoughts distortions because they are typically not accurate.

2. Mistaken Beliefs

- Mistaken beliefs are the root of much of the anxiety you experience.
- You talk yourself into much of the anxiety by anticipating the worst, putting yourself down and pushing yourself to meet unreasonable demands and expectations.
- You would feel more confident and secure if you discarded the mistaken beliefs, like "I am nothing unless I succeed" or "I am nothing unless others love and approve of me".
- Mistaken beliefs often keep you from achieving your most important goals in life.
- At times people develop an attitude about themselves as a result of being frequently criticized (i am worthless), ignored (my needs don't matter) or rejected (i'm unlovable) over many years, especially if it started in childhood.
- Some people end up "living out" these mistaken attitudes to the point where they act in ways and get others to treat you in ways that confirm them.
- Like computers, people can be "preprogrammed" and the mistaken beliefs of childhood can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Negative beliefs and counteraction with positive affirmations:

-I am powerless and a victim of outside circumstance.
*I am responsible and in control of my life.

- If I take a risk, I'll fail. If I fail, others will reject me.
*It is OK to risk, it is OK to fail - I can learn from every mistake.

- I'm unimportant. My feelings and needs are unimportant.
*I am a valuable and unique person.
*I deserve to have my feelings and needs taken care of as much as anyone else.

- I can't cope with difficult or scary situations.
*I can learn to handle any situation if I approach it slowly, in small enough steps.

- The outside world is dangerous. There is only safety in what is known and familiar.
*I can learn to become more comfortable with the outside world.
* I look forward to new opportunities for learning and growth that the outside world can offer.

3. Dr. G's Group

- I am opening up a LOT more.
- I am trying new things and it's not as scary as I make it out to be.
- Remember that the things I've done while high or drunk --- I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now. Make amends, etc. but do NOT turn on myself for these things.
- Keep working on: *Negative thoughts and fears/positive affirmations
*Keep pushing myself to go new places/try new things/talk to new people
*Get more info about correspondence school vs. shadowing vs. college
*Stay in the love :)
*As always: Be kind and loving to yourself

:)

-M

9/10/11 and 9/11/11

*62 Days*

Yesterday was a great day. It started out interesting…. I went and got some coffee from the gas station and chatted with the attendant for a little while. We have a lot in common and we always seem to find so much to talk about. On my way back, I walked past the site without really looking at it. I heard my name called and turned around to see the group of workers that are removing the rubble all huddled in a group staring at the building that was next to my old one. One of them pointed at it and said, you should go get your camera, you could get some great shots of this!

I walked over and my jaw about hit the ground. Sometime during the night, the back half of that next building collapsed down into the basement of my old building. I immediately said I would be back and headed straight to my place to get my camera. I ended up taking a dozen shots or so, from different angles and distances. It was really a sight to see! You could literally see right into the building. The bobcat they had been using down in the basement to clear the old floor and rubble was partially buried in brick and the thought crossed my mind how lucky they were it had happened at night.

When I was done I took my camera down to the Daily Forum and had a chat with one of the editors of the paper. He was more than happy to copy some of the shots off my hard drive and took down my information and what I knew about what happened. We’ll see what happens as the paper does not run any weekend work and the next one out is on Monday. It was fun being in there again and chatting with everyone. Afterwards I did some much needed housework to keep the new apartment tidy (I love how it looks all clean and organized…) and then gathered up my laundry as I was going to take it to Bedford with me. Anywhere I can do free laundry is a good day!!

In the evening I met up with my friends and we attended a later NA meeting. It is one I really enjoy as it is a candlelight meeting. Basically they light a candle and you have to pick a stick and read the word on it and you can talk about how that word pertains to you if you like. Or you can talk about whatever else is on your mind. Someone basically goes first and then we go to the right around the room and everyone gets a chance to speak or they can pass if the like. Shockingly I went first! I can tell therapy is working really well….it used to be I couldn’t talk at all!

I had a lot to say, about what I'd been through and how far I've come, and what 60 days meant to me. It went really well. After, when others spoke, many had something to say about what I'd said and it was really good to hear the feedback.


*64 Days*

On Sunday I was able to get some things around the house done, as well as go down and chat with a guy I get along with at one of the shops. Then I got myself ready to go for the benefit that was being held for us. Another tenant picked me up for that and off we went. I took a Vistaril just to make sure my anxiety didn't act up.

Then benefit was wonderful. Lots of people showed up :) I did amazingly well. I set up a little table with pictures from the fire and my Believe sign that survived. Everyone really liked it and spent much time hovering around it. The other tenants really liked the photos and one got emotional over it as it was the only shot she'd seen of her place, and wanted copies.

I ended up helping the guy who started the fire (who thankfully came, as we understand it was an accident) in the drinks line. I was amazed I was able to do this! So was everyone there who knew me :) No anxiety at all!!! Good progress I'd say!!!

All in all it was an amazing day!

-M

September 8, 2011

9/8/11

*****60 Days*****

Have a little bit of catching up to do..... so I'm sitting here listening to the Gotan Project while catching up :)








(this is the song I'm listening to....don't know anything about the video that goes with it. I like this kind of music when I'm relaxing or writing)

Things have been going fairly well lately. One thing that is not, is quiting smoking. I broke on that one a couple of days ago, after having a tough time dealing with the things I am remembering from using and drinking, things I did not only to myself, but others. Also I'm saddened by how many years I've wasted because of being so engulfed in the using.... I've wasting the majority of the last eleven or twelve years on it. I sit and wonder, where did all that time go??? I could have gotten so far. I could have been so much better to my friends, to my family, to myself.

Other NAers have told me this is very normal, it happens to almost everyone. After being clean awhile it just smacks them in the face one day, as it has done me. I plan to start the NA step work soon, because it will take me through all of that and show me how to deal with it, make amends to the many people I have hurt along the way and show me how to come to terms and forgive myself for all of it.

Group with Dr. G wasn't easy today. I admitted how sad I've been and also that I've been smoking cigarettes. He wasn't happy at all because I've worked very hard and come so far yet took a step backwards with this. He said, so you are upset and so you put more poison in your body...again. He is right, that is what I am doing. He said he understands it is hard, but it is no different than using. I am using a chemical to deal with my emotions instead of crying it out and talking to someone about. He said he has such high hopes for me and thinks I am such a good person and likes who I am, and it made him angry that I felt I had to revert to this old habit.

For one of the very few times since I started partial, I cried in group. He knew I was deeply saddened and very guilty for the many things I have done in the past years, because I barely have cried around him until today. We talk a lot back and forth about feeling people's energy and he said he could almost feel the sadness coming off of me. We agreed to do another hypnosis session next Tuesday, as for some it takes multiple sessions for it to really aid in smoking cessation. We are also going to have a talk about some of the particular instances that are bothering me, which I didn't get into today, because I didn't feel like crying my eyes out in group. There are some very specific things I've done, especially to myself, and my ex-husband, that I feel a ton of guilt and shame over and he thought it might help if I talked some of it out with him. As I was on my way out the door for lunch, I got a much needed Dr. G bearhug....need it....

Been doing awesome with no drugs and alcohol...hit my 60 days today!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so proud of myself for this. My mind feels so much clearer and I'm enjoying life so much more. I'm not sitting inside of a dark, messy, unclean apartment trying to get higher and higher to not feel anything or think about anything. Everything just seems....brighter, lighter, happier and just....alive. I never imagined I'd enjoy sobriety as much as I have.

I went to the Daily Forum and chatted with the reporters and photographers for a while. We looked through all my pictures. As soon as word spread in the building...they were ALL looking with us lol. Lots of woahs, oh my gods, wows going on. A couple of them commented on good the photography was...I just had to smile :) At least my head didn't get too big and I was able to get out the door :P They put the photos, along with a description, on their Facebook site, where they put a lot of their news stories now. I was pretty happy!!

I had a long talk with my ex landlord yesterday down at the site. It was such a good thing. We cleared the air about the tons of rumors going around, how we've both been doing, and what is all really going on. Pretty much non of the stuff going around is true. Yes, they could have done a lot more to make the building up to code, but the truth was, they didn't have the money. The building was slowly sinking them, it had turned out to be a money pit. They'd kept on trying to slowly fix things but never really making a huge dent. She said she learned why old buildings are so cheap to buy! She said she regretted very much what has happened and feels terrible for what everyone has lost. She also regrets having liability insurance and only minimal full insurance that will not be paying out too much to them. In the meantime, they are using what they had in savings to pay for the rubble removal, and skipping out and some of their bills to make sure those people get paid. She said she'll never buy a building so old again. She said many in the building are taking their anger out on her, because they are upset, as we are, by what happened and need someone to blame, but still doesn't understand why the guy who started it isn't getting that anger towards him. She said all the rumors about no deposits coming back to us, etc is all untrue, but we need to be patient because right now they just have no money to pay them back. We will get them when they have the money to do so. They also aren't taking anything from the site and in fact a few people have gotten back things still intact that they have been able to pull out. I talked to a few who have indeed gotten things back. She feels good that while not all of people's belongings, it is at least something. I'm going to talk to her some more tomorrow.

I'm sure I have much more to write, but for now, I am going to go eat at a friend's house who has generously called and offered free dinner! WOOT!

Will write more later,
-M

September 5, 2011

9/5/11

Pretty uneventul day today. I got up early and went for my walk. Then I stopped in and chatted with the dude at the gas station while I got some coffee. We always get into these epic conversations every time!

I did a few things around the house today. Made my list of people I need to send thank you cards to. Messed around on my blog a bit and updated some things on my Facebook profile...

Like I said, didn't do much....

I did go with a friend to an NA meeting tonight. It was the first time I went with her and it was really nice. Some people got some pretty hefty clean time birthdays at the meeting, one had 8 years! Wow!!

Now I'm just messin around online :)

-M

September 4, 2011

So Mike and myself were talking about nut shots....

(lmao!!)

...and I found this video to go with the crushed nuts theme but still stay in my gymnast theme as well!!

It's all Mel's son Mike's fault! If this freakes you out....BLAME HIM :P


I had no idea Becky got hurt at Nationals :(



The good news is after all the tests, there was no injured ligaments or tendons. She had surgery already to repair it, it was a dislocated knee cap. She's out two months and will be fine for the 2012 season and run-up to the Olympics. Bad news is she's out of Worlds this year after almost being guaranteed a spot and didn't get to finish Nationals after being National Champion last year.

I'm just stoked she can compete next year.

And a little shocked seeing her get injured at Nationals....... it's not every day your National Champion gets badly injured.... on live tv no less :S

Good luck to her next season!

-M

Tinkering...

I put the link to the page I had for Sam up on top. You hit the drop down box for Sam, then hit Sams Page. I also put links up for each of my favorite photographers, in the drop down menu. Definitely need to add some more photographers to that list as I have many many favorites.....

I will get a link up there as well for my photography and a little page set up for it, just haven't had the chance yet :)

-M

A New Sunday....

....means a new round of secrets :)


http://www.postsecret.com/

The live show is going to be in Maryville in a few weeks. Ticket sales open to the public on the 13th I believe. I hope I have the money to get a ticket. I really enjoy Postsecret and I bet the show is really good.

-M

9/4/11

*56 Days* <---Almost to my 60th day already!

Yesterday was a really good day. I went and hung out with a friend of mine while she was at work for a while. We had a nice time chatting about things. Then another friend of mine picked me up and we headed up to Bedford to pick up the desk and two bookshelves.

We were worried because it was raining on the way up there. Everything we were bringing back was made of wood and we didn't want anything to warp. Turns out my friend in Bedford had a tarp she never uses to we were able to tie everything down and then cover it all up. Of course, after all the prep work, it didn't even sprinkle on the way back....

My friend and a guy from my building got the desk up the stairs and into my place. Yay for guys! I took some time cleaning everything down with clorox wipes (they work on almost anything) and it all cleaned up really nice. I love my computer desk area :D Now I have a desk and bookshelves to put all my stuff on and I'm just so happy about it. No more using the kitchen counter as a desk! Only thing I'll miss about that....having the fridge right next to the computer...haha.

Had a nice cozy evening reading and falling asleep with my book on my head.....

This morning I did my newly routined brisk walk. It was wonderful as it was like 54 degrees out! Was so nice and cool...I just loved it. I'm stoked that the highs for the next few days are around 72-73ish and the night temps are going to be in the high 40's. My kind of weather!!

I've already done some straightening up in here and have a few more things I want to wipe down, but then it's all about getting my hand written journal caught up. Get to be creative today....yay :)

This is definately a ME day. Have some soft music going, candles going, sitting here coloring in my journal pages and sipping on coffee. What could be better??

-M

September 3, 2011

Streeeeeeeeeeeetch....*yawn*

(half my set of new colored pencils to replace the ones lost in the fire )

Just writing a few seconds in here. Will do a proper post later on. I'm very excitied.... I get my computer desk today!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally no more using the kitchen counter as a desk! A good friend of mine has one that is in fine shape, that she doesn't really use at all. So she is donating it to me. Isn't that wonderful? I thought so. It will be so much more comfortable. And it will be in the bedroom where there is proper sunlight as well.

It will be awesome.

A buddy of mine in the National Guard is going to go up there with me, as we can use his huge truck that way and not have to take the desk apart or anything. Should be very interesting trying to NOT get lost in Bedford. It is a small town but I'm not quite sure how to get from downtown to her house.... Funny part of it all? Jess's folks live RIGHT across the street! Small world everywhere around here.....

-M


September 2, 2011

9/2/11


*54 Days*



Today is a slower day. No groups....have a four day weekend (yay).


I had my appointment with my caseworker....who loves my new apartment :D I also had a guy in to fix my window as it had a bit of air and water coming through. He had it fixed in like 15 minutes. I love here how if there's a problem they fix it right away. So much nicer!


Had a funny moment today....emptying the dishwasher.... I found a plastic spatula had fell into the bottom and hit the heating element and melted to it!!! Have no idea how to get it off yet.... glad it is a dishwasher so it was full of water!!






Dishwasher 1 Misty 0 :P


Now I am catching up on blogs and then finishing updating my written one. It looks all pretty now that I got a 50 pack of colored pencils. I also ran around and picked up the place and wiped things down. I'm so proud of it, want it to be squeaky clean ALL the time!


Was going to go by Jess's tonight to stay over, but not yet sure if I will. I'm doing really well with everything and I'll probably be online with her anyhow, so I may not stay over. Plus I have a late 8pm NA meeting as well. I think I got all the anger and sadness of seeing them move the stuff from the building out the other day and will be fine.


-M



PS: Anyone who reads this, answer this question for today...


*List three things you are thankful for today.*


(just use the anonymous setting on the comments to answer)


September 1, 2011

9/1/11

*53 Days*

Doing some catching up in this post too....

Wednesday:

Spent time talking to Tracey when I woke up at 3:30 am. Tried to lay back down but it didn't work. Went up and saw a friend at work and gave her some donated shoes in her size as she was a tenant in the building. Will go visit her later.

Groups 8/31/11

1. Bipolar and how it affects me
- Symptoms I have....
- Manic Episode: overly good euphoric mood, sometimes extreme irritability, racing thoughts, talking very fast, jumping from one subject to another quickly, distractability, can't concentrate well, unrealistic beliefs in my abilities, poor judgement, spending sprees, abuse of drugs - especially stimulants, alcohol and sleeping meds, denial that anything is wrong.
- Depressive Episode: lasting sadness anxious or empty mood, feelings of hoplessness or pessimism, feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, lost of interest/pleasure in things once enjoyed, difficulty remembering making decisions or concentrating, restlessness, decreased energy or feeling of fatigue, sleeping too much, change in appetite, bodily symptoms or pain without cause, thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts.
- Ways to keep it even: staying on treatment, even during well times, can help keep the disease under control, as it is an Axis 1 disorder and is reccurrent. Going for walks, eating well, STAYING ON MEDS AT ALL TIMES, working with therapy, watching for symptoms, etc.

2. Things still to work on/ keep working on right now:
- Being able to live with my imperfections
- forgiving myself and others
- stop torturing myself for my mistakes
- learning to trust people
- being able to cry things out
- telling others how I really feel, especially when upset
- accepting compliments from others

Today:

*53 Days *

Got up this morning and around 8am I heard a mass amount of fire truck and police sirens. I wondered what the heck was going on out there??
So, I went to go see. Grabbed my camera and sandals and out I went. The Pub, between 4th and 5th street on Main partially collapsed. I took a bunch of pictures and heard that nobody was injured or inside which was so so lucky. Had it been a Friday night, it would have been a disaster.
Then came back and scrambled to get ready quickly for group.

Group - 9/1/11

1. Stress
- Prepare for the morning the evening before.
- Don't rely on your memory, write things down.
- Eliminate the amount of caffeine in your diet.
- Procrastination is stressful...get what you need done tomorrow, today. What you can do today, NOW.
- Simplify, Simplify, Simplify.
- Make friends with non stressful people.
- Get enough sleep. If necessary, use an alarm to remind you to go to bed on time.
- Make sure to take deep breaths, so your abdomin AND chest rise.
- Write your thoughts and feelings down, even if you just throw it away.
- Learn to live one day at a time.
- Every day, do something you really enjoy.
- Eliminate destructive self talk.
- Allow yourself time every day, for privacy, quiet and introspective.

2. Dr. G's Group
-Remember to use positive words, not negative ones.
-Stay in the love.
-Keep using relaxation.
-Give thanks to the building for what I got out of her (new friends, special memories, lessons that I learned).
-Give thanks to what I can instead of always thinking of the negative side of things.
-Say goodbye to the building so I can move on.
-Pat myself on the back for the drug screen coming back clean!
-Stay positive in moments I get crabby from quitting smoking. Remind myself it is a great thing I am doing and should be very proud of myself and working to extend my life.

-M