October 29, 2011

10/29/11

*111 Days*

I was inspired after seeing a friend make a wonderful homemade soup. So, now I cook soup :) I grabbed some chopped up stew meat, a huge red onion, some potatoes and some "better than boullion" beef stock from the store. Added to that was a bunch of veggies and garlic I had at home.  All of it was chopped in big chunks and now it is cooking away in my slow cooker. It's going to be.............. YUMMY.

I'm planning to make at least one soup/stew per month through the winter. The next one lined up will be homemade split pea soup towards the end of the month. That should be really yummy too. After that maybe kielbasa and lentil or maybe a hearty chilli or chicken stew. Haven't decided yet. Going to get my use out of that slow cooker!!

Spent the day with my friend at her work. We had some great conversation today, was a lot of fun. Got me out of the house which was really good. Her mom stopped by (my old therapist) and she took me aside and talked to me for a bit about how I was doing. She'd heard through the grapevine I wasn't doing so well and gave me a lecture about my medication and how important it was. I told her I would try harder to take it on time. I start a group she is running on Tuesday and it should be really interesting. It's the first DBT group to be done in the Maryville area and I've read a lot on DBT so I'm very excited about it. It has a high success rate.  Link about DBT here.

Tuesday will be very busy so I'm preparing for that. It can be hard to get through a busy day when in a more depressed mood so I'm getting myself ready for it. I see Dr. Graham in the morning, which will be tough because he knows nothing yet of the issues I've been having. Then I see Dr. B in the early afternoon and he won't be happy I've had issues with my meds. Then I have the group for two hours which is stressful because it's the first time in the group. Then I am forcing myself to go to NA with some friends because I really really need it. They are picking me up from the group so I cant make up an excuse not to go as soon as I get home. It's a really good idea.

Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow yet. A friend of mine said we are finding something to do to undepress me lol. I'm going to call JP (or see her online) and see if I can burn something onto disk for someone. It's something I've needed to do for a while now.

Anyhow, going to go enjoy talking to Tracey,

-M


Irritated.

I'm not going to say much, but people who know me really well know my spirituality is a little different than most. I also understand very well how free we are in this country, just look at any third world country.... but sometimes I don't feel as free as I could be, because my religious/spirituality is very different than the majority. It can be very difficult for me to see and hear the things people say so freely about this topic but not be able to express my views. To do that would not lead to others remembering that everyone has a right to their own opinion/religion/spirituality, it would lead to arguements and verbal attacks against me. So, a long while ago I decided to keep these opinions to myself, because it isn't worth an argument that goes nowhere with most never even being able to try to have an open mind towards other's views or being respectful enough to leave it alone, etc. Instead I'd be lectured, verbally attacked, made fun of, laughed at, etc.

It is one of the things that was so very freeing about being in Australia. People have it very free here, but I crave that added bit of freedom to have your own views and people being more respectful and tolerant. To be able to more freely be yourself.

In a way, I imagine it is a lot of what gay people go through over here too. I don't know how they deal with it so gracefully and they are damned brave when they come out.
It sure makes me miss Australia.

-M

October 27, 2011

10/27/11

*109 Days*

Got up this morning and after sitting around being sick a while I was just too bored and had to get out of the house. Been laying around sick too long! Already! Went down to the gas station for coffee and remembered there is a boil advisory in effect so there was no fresh coffee :( Ended up forking over two bucks for a cold canned coffee instead. Must have some coffee in any form! I may boil some water when I get home, then use the coffee maker so I can have some yummy coffee. I do need to wash the coffee maker though, I dunno if I can do that, if it's safe to wash dishes in the water? Gonna have to ask around.....

Trying to think of some things I can do today to keep myself busy. I want to clean up in my place some, so that's one thing. Then I want to possibly make a few blog posts. I wanna write Niki as it's been forever. I want to work on some more recipe cutting before I see my friend on Friday. I have to try very very hard to go to an NA meeting tomorrow. It's ridiculous, I'm going to be at 110 days tomorrow and I still never got my 90 day keychain and in ten days I'll be up for the 120 day keychain....

Any other suggestions on things to do would be great....I'm finding the more I keep busy, the better it helps my mood and combats my depressed state I've been in. I'm trying to walk a little around town but not doing much because of being sick....don't wanna make myself MORE sick. But just SO stir crazy!!

I do want to roam around the internet too and see if I can find more worksheets to put up for Tracey and I. And Jess needs to make a few posts about what she's learning in that class *hint* *hint* Wondering if Tracey's started that workbook I gave her .... I'm going through a couple pages a day, not rushing so it sinks in. We'll have to chat about it in chat this evening.

Not much else going on, heading home soon. It was just to get outta the house for a while. Hope everyone is having a good day!

-M

October 24, 2011

10/24/11

*106 Days*

Waiting to hear from my friend, as they are in court today. There was a motion to revoke her boyfriend's bond because he broke the conditions of it, so we are curious to see what they do. If they revoke it, he goes back to jail. This is what we are really hoping for, but this time we are being cautious, not getting our hopes up at all. The docket is full today, so they have to sit and wait their turn.

I've been up and down with my moods. I haven't had a bipolar depression in a long while but I'm feeling the touches of it now. I have a lot of coping skills though and know much better how to deal with it than I did before. I'm writing a LOT in my journal for my doctor and detailing as much as I can and the ways I'm trying to combat it. I feel almost, guilty or like I am letting people down, because the depression is coming back in, but I have to remind myself that bipolar is not something that goes away, that it is all in how I deal with it and keep myself awake and moving around and doing things. So that, I am doing.

I downloaded a huge workbook on anxiety and I'm going to start that today. It gives me something to do, occupies my mind and will help me sort more out. Should be really interesting. I also started a page, on the old building, and will do some research at the library and see if I can find info on it and also pictures through the years. That will be a fun project!

Need to find a day with Jess, so we can roam around and take some fall pictures. It is a bit disappointing this year, as the leaves aren't as plenty because of the big storm that had come through and because the earth and trees are dry and the leaves aren't as beautiful as they would normally be. But I'm sure there has to be pictures to be taken somewhere.

No news from Mom, which is good. I was worried I would get a barrage of calls or letters or god forbid....she would materialize at my door, but none of this has happened. Just my worry going into overdrive again. She's heeding what I said in the letter and that is good.

I have not been going to NA meetings and that is my own fault. I think I've had a bit of agoraphobia happening so today I'm determined to go to a meeting in the evening. I miss it and still do not have my 90 day keychain, something that needs to be done. So I will go tonight.

Things are going good though really, because I'm fighting very hard to stay positive. I just have to keep moving forward and knowing I'll come out of it, hopefully soon.

-M

October 22, 2011

10/22/11

*104 Days*

Happy Birthday to Jess
Happy Birthday to Jess
I wish I could get you Elton for your birthday but I can't so all I can do is write this crappy rhyme that doesn't rhyme....
Happy Birthday to Jess

LOL :)

Going to hang out with my friend today at her work. Catching up my written journal while I'm there as I'm terrible at keeping it up, but at least it gives me something to do.
Had evil pot dreams last night....once in a while I have them and in the morning all I can do is shake my head and laugh. Mood is doing okay, taking my meds in a more timely fashion right now which is good.

I'll write more later, gotta get off my butt and get ready.

-M


October 20, 2011

10/20/11

*102 Days*

My guts are killing me. No other way to describe it. Yesterday Dad, Grandma and I ate out at Famous Dave's in St. Joe and it was so good, but SO horrible for my digestive system. Between the grease and the spicy, I am not sure which impacted me more, but I ache. Especially now that I'm eating a lot healthier, I can just feel the difference so much. Yuck!

Had a really great time while they were here. We shopped until we about dropped. Kohls, Target, Walmart, JC Penney, Sam's Club, all big stops on our list. That much shopping is tiring! I made an interesting observation.... My dad is a shopaholic just like his Mom is! They both crack me up. Dad said it was Grandma taking so long he could have read a book and Grandma said it was Dad taking so long looking at all the movies LOL.

I wish they would not have bought as much as they did for me. I did not argue this year though, as I am still recouping from the fire. But ya start to feel guilty after a while.... I got three awesome hoodies for winter, a Chiefs, a Bearcats and a nice styled one. I got a pair of cool pj pants, bras (badly needed), underwear, slipper socks, a new SK book, headbands, melters for my tealight melter, deoderant, a massive bag of 64 pads....whoot! Won't need to buy any until next year at this rate!! Proper sneakers (instead of the cheap Walmart ones I had that two weeks after getting them I had to glue the sole back to the rest of it....), regular every day shoes, matching scarf, hat and gloves, and probably more I'm not thinking of atm. Candy sent two wonderful journals for me, as I was on my last one. Dad & Jacqi sent a comforter, tons of tupperware, a cool coffee holder, a coffee cup and some stainless steel water bottles. Grandma brought another comforter, washclothes, kitchen towels and a coffee cup. Was all very very generous. Dad also brought down like twelve dvd movies since I rescued my dvd player from the fire.

Dad showed me three official jerseys he got of the Brewers and Packers. Not just normal ones you see at the store but the realest they get. Even the team names stitched on were amazingly think and all the stitching was real. They run $500 dollars and he got them much cheaper through someone he knows. He asked what one I'd want if he got me one for Christmas and I said Ricky Weeks from the Brewers. The white one or the dark one....I said the dark blue one. How exciting!! My first REAL jersey!! I lost my Prince Fielder jersey in the fire and it just was nothing quality wise like these ones. I'd be scared to wear this one.... Might frame it, not sure yet.

The best part, was just visiting with them, having good conversation and many laughs. It was so good to see both of them. Sometimes they thought I'd dosed off I was so quiet, but it was just fun hearing them talk. Brings back so many wonderful memories. I gave them a tour of the apartment and they loved it. Dad came up here this morning and took pictures AND video lol. He was relieved to see I have such a nice apartment after the quality of the old one and the fire and all. We also took a tour of the ground where the building was, with me showing where my apartment had been. I think it was a little humbling to him. It is to me still as well.

It was sad to see them go, but I wasn't really sad, just really happy to get to spend time with them. Easter will come along soon enough and I'll figure out a way to get there. Something we talked about with my therapy was the need to see family when I could. That it is very important to me because I love my family so much. Dad and I talked a bit about my therapy and he seems to be accepting of it and was really encouraging which was great. Don't you just love it when your parent says they are proud??? It made me feel just wonderful. I love making my Dad proud of me.

Hopefully they have a good trip home. They are both busy as Grandma is going to a wedding in Chicago and Dad is meeting half way to get Jacqi so they can do their dance thing in J'ville this weekend. Again, I feel so loved that he takes the time and that much driving just to come see me. It's amazing :)

-M

Saw the public safety blotter

and the crash I help out with was on it. Was interesting to see. As Jess guessed, it was because of the illegal left hand turn.


ACCIDENTS

400 BLK NORTH MAIN
10/13     15:00     11-1452
DRIVER 1: BUTCHER, ANDREW K., 18, HARRISONVILLE, MO/CITATION - IMPROPER LEFT TURN
DRIVER 2: WELLS, SHAWN P., 20, CITY

October 19, 2011

brrrrr!

Sittin on a bench outside, typing this while I wait for Dad to pick me up. It was 31F last night!!! I'm enjoying the colder temps but that was pretty cold!! Definitely need to get the winter coat dry cleaned so I can use it when it's super cold. Gonna talk to Dad about some gloves and a scarf as well.

I'm surprised I get internet this far from my apartment, as I am across the street, neighbor has good signal!

More fun in store today as we go to St. Joe!
-M

October 17, 2011

One Day To Go

*99 Days*

How cool is it that I am going to hit my 100 days the day Dad and Grandma L arrive? :)

It is going to be really nice to see Dad and Grandma again. I'm thankful that I get to see family twice a year, I always wish it was more often, but the fact that Dad drives over 20 hours round trip to see me makes me feel so....loved!

I have no idea what we'll all do, but we didn't last time either and it turned out to be a lot of fun. It's definitely going to be colder this time around....been in the low 50's the last couple days and 48 on Wednesday.....I love it cold though, beats that super hot humid heat. I'm assuming we'll go to St. Joe again, which is nice because I rarely get to go there.

I'll be taking pics and blogging before bed each day they are here :)

-M

OCD

I'm not sure how much I've posted about my OCD, maybe some, but I can't remember. I have a type of OCD that is a little harder to find info on when I search online and we had a hard time finding worksheets for it when I was in partial.

For the longest time, the doc I didn't get along with, Dr. Amante, was convinced I had OCD but because I didn't understand it, I argued with him non stop about it. When I went into partial, the coordinator there has it as well and helped break it down into something I could understand and gave examples of things I'd said or written down, to show me how it worked.

I always thought of people with OCD as the ones who cleaned all the time. I had no idea there were categories of different types of OCD. As it turned out, I fit into three of them and also more on the 'OCD spectrum'. This has caused a huge amount of the issues I've been struggling with since I was in my elementary years.

People have always said I was a worrier but  I always blew it off. Now I know different. Besides all my worrying, one of the big tips I had OCD as a kid was me compulsively picking at my fingers. I don't know exactly when that began, but I can see it in pictures of me by the time I was age 6. By the time I was ten, my fingers were red in many of the pictures I have seen from that time period. It is called dermatillomania and for me it's not only picking at my fingers but also my feet, bug bites, scabs and acne. With a lot of hard work, these days I do it less. My fingers look better than they have most of my life. But the compulsion to do it is still there. Many times I do it without thinking and if I catch myself I make myself stop immediately. I try to remind myself how nice my hands and fingers look now and I don't want them to go back to how they were before. It's a continued fight, but for now I am winning it.

I am an OCD arranger and checker. These go hand in hand with my OCD worry. The more worried and stressed I am, the more likely I am to start arranging things and going back to check doorknobs, the stove, the coffee pot, checking multiple times if  I have my keys, etc. I run into some issues with my meds because of it. Hours after I took a dose I'm worrying over and over that I forgot to take it. To make sure I don't double up, I have a chart on the fridge where I mark down when I take them. As a kid I used to daydream as an escape from my worries, which is something I still do to this day and have found no way to control. Someone can be talking to me and I'm off somewhere else and miss what they are saying. It drives me crazy. It makes deep relaxation and hypnosis a challenge for me as well.

My OCD worry preoccupies a LOT of my time. I ruminate and worry over big things, small things, I worry about things that haven't even happened yet. My worry also mixes in with Social Phobia and Paranoia and gets me really going on making everything way worse than it really is, aka: Catastrophizing and I end up a mess. The constant worries entering my mind just show up, automatic and I'm working really hard right now to fight them.

I'm using the 'notebook' again to write all my worries down. Then you turn it around into a positive and write that underneath it. The goal is that with time you'll start to do this automatically, just like negative thinking and working to reverse that (which I'm also working on with some success). Like I would write, I'm never going to get a job again, I'm going to end up poor and on the street. Then, under that I would write, I will get a job with some time, I'm already working with Vocational Rehab, we are just looking for the right job for me. It will all work out fine.

Just a short list of examples of what I have worried over lately:
I have this nice apartment now but what if it falls in too
What if I can't survive without partial
What if my meds stop working
What if NA doesn't work for me anymore
What if I don't have any money but need something important
What if my teeth get worse
What if Catholic Charities runs out of money
What if there's a fire here
What if Dad has an accident on the way here
What if Mike gets hurt on the job
What if I can't hack it at a new job
What if I get sick
What if I forgot to turn off the stove
What if I lose my ID card
What if I get hurt
What if Jess's apartment building starts on fire
What if there is a tornado and I have nowhere to hide
What if there is a lot of snow and the roof caves in
What if I lose my purse
What if I can't pay my phone bill
What if I run into Jen again
What if my laptop stops working
What if something happens to Grandma
What if my camera breaks
What if the bus service stops running
What if I have to find a new apartment
What if Medicaid benefits get cut back
What if I lost my keys
What if I run out of food
What if what if what if.....................

It's sort of like that. Worry worry worry all the time. And add some negative thinking in there too and that's the way my mind goes much of the time.

I don't like OCD....

I am looking forward to a group that is starting up in November that is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) based that I am invited to. I think it will help with some of this and the cognitive distortions I have based on my Borderline Personality Disorder too. It's just all wrapped up in a mass of negative thinking, negative emotions, negative worry, etc. etc. etc.

I can positively say for sure the BPD was a gift from my mother..... It goes back three more generations beyond me. It is a learned disorder. If you are around a parent who has it, you are very likely to end up with it yourself.  The key to cracking it is a lot of CBT and the woman who will be running that group is a bit of an expert on it. I'll definitely be writing what I learn in here!

Gonna go put some happy tunes on and start dancing and cleaning my apartment in my pjs!
-M

October 16, 2011

Gettin bonkers on caffeine...

Mwhahahahahaha

Gonna start my mass apartment cleaning project. Going from one end to the other cleaning, organizing and straightening up, so it's all jazzy for Dad & Grandma. In between I'm chatting with Tracey & Jess. :)

10/16/11

*98 Days*

I'm so grateful the internet is back! I talked to the guy who lets me jump on his wifi and he said that he called the company and a server had been down and they took forever to get it back up again. He was irritated because he had one day off and he couldn't do anything he'd wanted to online. It sucked!

So yesterday, my friend's soon to be in jail/treatment and ex boyfriend, actually sort of redeemed himself slightly. When I say slightly though I mean barely LOL. But it was cool for that moment. I was visiting my friend at work and he'd stopped by and these super idiot over drunk (at 1pm no less...) guys walked up to get smokes and were harassing my friend and I to 'show us your tits' and being obnoxious. He kept quiet because there were more of them than him, but the minute they walked out of that store he was on the phone to 911 calling it in, plate number and all, and explained what had happened. Right after they left, the cops went zooming past in the same direction to nail their asses. Yay!!!! Above all else they were waaaaaaaaaaaay too drunk to be behind the wheel so it was a good thing they got to them so quickly.

Today is officially apartment cleaning day. I'm going from one end to the other making it beautiful (not that there is a bunch to do, but just sort of redoing it all) because my Dad and Grandma will be down here on Tuesday! I can't wait. We had so much fun last time. I'm excited not just to see them, but to be able to show off my new place, which I am very very proud of.

October 13, 2011

10/13/11

*95 Days*

Today has been a crazy day. First I had to get up early, which I've slacked and stayed up late and gotten up late so it hit me like bricks this morning.

Then I made a pot of much needed coffee. As I turned with my cup to see if there was enough to pour.....what I saw instead was coffee pouring from the top of my coffee pot down the sides and all over the counter like damned Niagara Falls....WTF.

Tired and grouchy I went to my appt. with Dr. Graham. He saw me and was like.......... what. I whined about getting up early and my coffee pot exploding which gave him a good laugh at least.... We talked today a lot about my mom and the letter I wrote and discussed things that go back to when I was around four or five. He put me into a mild hypnosis and I remembered things like when I'd drop something and she'd tease and make fun of me, when I was just a child. It also came up how loving a home I had with my dad, Audrey, Ann and Teddy. They gave me a LOT of love, learning and support that mom did not. I also went into when mom left for northern Wisconsin which impacted me a LOT. Under hypnosis I could see it like it was yesterday, being at mom's friend Diane's house in S. Milwaukee and me screaming at the top of my lungs when she left me behind to chase some biker guy she barely knew up there. It was amazing to remember these things again and it was equally amazing at the impact they had. Today I was able to process those things so I could let them finally rest. It was a really good session. He is keeping me in check on not isolating too much and slipping a bit on my meds, which I admitted to. I now have a sheet on the fridge to mark off each time I take them to keep track that I am taking them at the right times. It's so important to take them and take them ON time. We talked a bit about voc rehab as I had an appointment later in the day. It was a great session as usual.

My caseworker picked me up and we went for the voc rehab appt. It went really good. She had to redo all my info but that was fine. I needed to update my addy, phone number, dx, rx, doctor, etc. She asked a TON of questions and got a good idea of where I was at with things and how my dx interferes with my ability to work. We will be looking for some kind of office work part time. I'll see her again in a couple weeks. Now it's the big wait on all the paperwork to come in from my caseworker, doctors and the hospital.

Once I was home I went for a walk, as I'm doing that daily for exercise. Didn't have time to do it this morning so thought I'd go for an afternoon stroll. As I was walking just a little bit north of Carson's on Main St. all of a sudden I hear this massive CRASH/BOOM as I saw two cars collide into each other.  Once my heart went back into my CHEST, my thoughts collected quickly and I jogged into the intersection  just as two college age people crawled out of their car. They were both clearly shaken and the guy was holding his bleeding arm going FUCK THAT HURT!!! I said, hey why don't you guys come sit on the bench over here....and they did. I asked them if they were ok, if their faces were ok from the airbags and if they felt anything was broken. We weren't sure about dude's arm. I had some kleenex with me I put on his arm and told him to hold it there tightly as the two from the other car walked over and started talking. I got on my phone and called 911 while a person walked up and started talking to all four and asked if I was calling 911, which I said I was. I talked to them for exactly 1 minute and 26 seconds. They are much better here than in the big city, they get the info, call out the cops and let you go. As I got off the phone a lady from a nearby office came over with an awesome huge first aid kit. We started rummaging through it looking for gauze, wrap and some kind of antiseptic wipe that wasn't going to burn the hell out of his cuts. Both his arms were already starting to swell heavily and we noticed so was the girl's arm and hand. She also bit her lip as she was hit by an airbag and the inside of her mouth was bleeding. The lady asked me for this and that out of the first aid box as she doctored him up. We asked if we could call anyone, if they could get home, if they wanted an ambulance, etc. Like most guys he was tough and said na, don't need an ambulance lol. But we both reiterated that they need to see a doc right away. As she finished up on the guy, I kept talking to the girl, as she was in shock and starting to freak out. We ended up in a good conversation about how she'd just gotten the car from her mom, etc. I figured if she kept talking it would get her mind off the actual crash. It seemed to help. The cops were there in record time. They kept asking if they wanted the ambulance but they said they would go to the doctor instead (don't blame them ambos are expensive....).  Hopefully it all works out for them. Except for the girl being shaken up and both bruised, swollen and cut up, they seemed ok. And they were still on her mom's car insurance so it was really good the car was insured as it looked pretty fucked up on the driver's side.

Afterwards I went home and found I was a little shaky after all that. I took a Vistaril (it's a temporary med for use as needed for anxiety and listened to some tunes and relaxed until I wasn't shaky anymore. Then I reflected on how well I did in the moment. I think I did a pretty decent job. No anxiety or anything at the time, just wanted to help and still remembered my first aid skills well. NEED to get recertified though!

So that was my day..... a very interesting one.

-M




.Irritated.

I have done a very good job at censoring myself during the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray. I did this, keeping my important interests in mind (ie: my mental health). I have not watched any of it. I've allowed myself to read brief summaries from a message board, so I am still in the loop, but not in a way that will upset me. I don't need to go downhill because of it. I can be informed without being too upset.

The other day, I read a small article about the trial and as I scrolled through the article, a picture I refused to look at, was just there. An autopsy photo. It wasn't the gory kind but that isn't the point. The point is that here again, the media is using him, taking his dignity, even in death. I wasn't as upset as I thought I would be, it just made me sad to see the state he'd been in. I completely understand these things must be shown at the trial. But why do they insist on plastering it all over the media and the web. Just for sensational value? To get views? To make more money?

It is so wrong.

-M

Yay!

I'm so thrilled, my friend Joanna's blogging again!! I love her blog and am very entertained by it. Was missing it for quite some time as she'd stopped posting. But...alas!! Now she's back and posting again :D
-M

October 11, 2011

10/11/11

*93 Days*

Yesterday ended up being a good day. I did mostly nothing, stayed in my pj's, looked up some more therapy worksheets I can do online and listened to tunes. I got to chat for just a bit with Tracey, then my friend called and was like....coming to get you.....Brewers are on....so is the Bears/Lions game....

She got snacks, sodas, cooked the little hot dogs and all. It was fun. Unfortunately the Brewers lost big time and so did the Bears. Hopefully the Brewers can pick themselves up and do better the next game! There was a terrible call during the game which really fucked it all up.... Weeks got his foot on first base before the first baseman had the ball and they didn't catch it....#$#$#%#% !!!!!!!!!!!!

Came home well after 11pm and ended up going straight to bed.


Tonight is going to be NA night out of town. Should be excellent as always :D

-M

October 10, 2011

10/10/11

*92 Days*

Went over by my friend's house yesterday after helping her move a few things from her friend's house to her place. We also moved her treasure truck from her friend's over to her mom's as it needs to be fixed up and repainted after the fire. It smells way better than it did after the fire. Airing things out seems to help a lot. I've had my winter coat I rescued laying out by one of the A/C vents for over a month and it doesn't smell like smoke anymore.

Her piece of crap soon to be ex boyfriend was actually in a good mood. We all watched the Brewers beat the crap outta the Cardinals in game 1 of the National League Championship Series. They play again tonight, so if he's still in a good mood I may go over again to watch. I also watched half the packer game as well. They were down when I left but came back later in the game :)

My friend, the one who accidentally started the fire, came over and watched the last part of the Brewers game and half the Packers game with us. My friend cooked a great meal, and it was truly a great time with good conversation, good football and great food. That's the sort of thing I really miss doing with family so it was really nice.

Talked to Dad on the phone which was wonderful. He kept asking if there was anything I needed still for the apartment and I just couldn't think of much. Other than cleaning supplies I'm doing really good. Later on I remembered that I still don't have a comforter for the bed yet, so I may call him back about that. I've been using a little quilt for now which is fine, but may not be by winter. We talked baseball for a while which was a lot of fun :D  I have to remember to get a hold of Mike, to see if there is another box in storage with picture frames and candles. Could care less about clothes and things, but would love to have more black and silver stuff for my walls and I had quite a bit in storage.

Should be a great day today. Might go watch that game over by my friend's and also gonna do some housework, find some more music for my computer and work on thank you cards.

Info for today:

Social Phobia is one of the things I am diagnosed with. I can't remember when it started but know it was a slow progression. By the time I was 13 it was getting worse though.


Common social phobia / social anxiety disorder triggers
Although it may feel like you’re the only one with this problem, social anxiety or social phobia is actually quite common. Many people struggle with these fears. But the situations that trigger the symptoms of social anxiety disorder can be different.

Some people experience anxiety in most social and performance situations, a condition known as generalized social anxiety disorder. For other people with social phobia, anxiety is connected with specific social situations, such as speaking to strangers, eating at restaurants, or going to parties.
The most common specific social phobia is fear of public speaking or performing in front of an audience.

Triggers for social anxiety disorder (social phobia)
The following situations are often stressful for people with social anxiety disorder:
  • Meeting new people
  • Being the center of attention
  • Being watched while doing something
  • Making small talk
  • Public speaking
  • Performing on stage
  • Being teased or criticized
  • Talking with “important” people or authority figures
  • Being called on in class
  • Going on a date
  • Making phone calls
  • Using public bathrooms
  • Taking exams
  • Eating or drinking in public
  • Speaking up in a meeting
  • Attending parties or other social gatherings
Signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder / social phobia
Just because you occasionally get nervous in social situations doesn’t mean you have social anxiety disorder or social phobia. Many people are shy or self-conscious — at least from time to time — yet it doesn’t get in the way of their everyday functioning. Social anxiety disorder, on the other hand, does interfere with your normal routine and causes tremendous distress.
For example, it’s perfectly normal to get the jitters before giving a speech. But if you have social anxiety disorder or social phobia, you might worry for weeks ahead of time, call in sick to get out of it, or start shaking so bad during the speech that you can hardly speak.
Emotional symptoms of social anxiety disorder / social phobia
  • Excessive self-consciousness and anxiety in everyday social situations
  • Intense worry for days, weeks, or even months before an upcoming social situation
  • Extreme fear of being watched or judged by others, especially people you don’t know
  • Fear that you’ll act in ways that that will embarrass or humiliate yourself
  • Fear that others will notice that you’re nervous
Physical symptoms of social anxiety disorder / social phobia
  • Red face, or blushing
  • Shortness of breath
  • Upset stomach, nausea (i.e. butterflies)
  • Trembling or shaking (including shaky voice)
  • Racing heart or tightness in chest
  • Sweating or hot flashes
  • Feeling dizzy or faint
Behavioral symptoms of social anxiety disorder / social phobia
  • Avoiding social situations to a degree that limits your activities or disrupts your life
  • Staying quiet or hiding in the background in order to escape notice and embarrassment
  • A need to always bring a buddy along with you wherever you go
  • Drinking before social situations in order to soothe your nerves 

-M




October 8, 2011

90 Days!!!

Today is my 90 Days....yay!!! :D

I'm going to go hang out with my friend at her work today. My goal is to get most of the thank you cards finished today for mailing. Also just to be a shoulder for her since the thing with her boyfriend just keeps getting worse and worse....

Going to really enjoy the day!
-M

Emotions up and down

I took my meds and curled up in bed, waiting for them to kick in....and I started thinking about what I wrote in that letter to my mom. Next thing I know I'm crying into my pillow...

It's like most of my life I protected myself from all the pain I experienced of her leaving and never contacting me and all. Instead I stuffed it away and pretended she was awesome and great. Now, that I'm finally coming to terms with what it was really like, how I really felt, it's just like a well that has opened up, with all the grief I'd stuffed away for so long. I never realized it was there, but now I do.

I was laying there and I thought, probably what I thought as a child, what did I do that made her not love me? Why doesn't she want me? Just, why?

The adult in me knows, that it wasn't my fault. That she's had issues all her life, just like I do. She probably doesn't understand why herself. Her mom was bad to her growing up too.

I do know, that I am working through this and that I will heal from it. But healing is never easy. Just like all the therapy sessions with my doc where I just cry my way through them, it's all very hard, but necessary. I just had no idea, that it ran so deep in me. My doc knows, it is why he asked me to make a photocopy of the letter I wrote and bring it with next Thursday. He read my words and being as good and experienced as he is, knew we were hitting on something much more important than I did. Even right now, it's dawning on me further and further that this wasn't just one part of many things that have hurt me, that it is a very large and complicated issue that made it's way through almost my whole life.

It sucks because now I'm feeling all those emotions and all that pain come up and I'm starting to think that it is very unfair that any parent would ever impact their child in such a profound way.

I really can't wait for my session on Thursday, I have so much I need to talk out.....

-M

October 7, 2011

They Won!!

In a very dramatic finish, the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Arizona Diamondbacks late in the 10th inning!! It was awesome!!  My dad used to talk about how exciting it was in 1982 when they got this far during the playoffs and I'm SO happy to actually witness them doing it again! (ok technically I did but I was like three years old...)

Next they will play the winner of the game going on right now (would be cool if it was the St. Louis Cardinals) for the National League Championship. Lets GO BREWERS!!!

-M

October 6, 2011

Extra notes from class I didn't get typed in here

*Responsibility
-You are responsible:
 -for what you say
 -for what you are
 -for what you feel
 -for what you do
-You are not responsible:
 -for making anyone else happy
 -for becoming what someone else wants you to be
 -for distortion of the truth to keep from hurting another persons feelings

-Without taking responsibility for your life, you will never be happy, because no one can fix your life but you
-Without taking responsibility for your life, no risk is worth taking, since you will not feel joy at your success and living becomes merely an exercise in hope.

I am responsible:
-to get help for myself
-to express my own feelings so others don't have to guess
-to confront negative behavior, not attack the person
-to let others take on their responsibilities
-to act not react
-to own up to my negative behavior
-to not make all the decisions
-to work my own after care program
-to ask for my needs to be met
-to ask for help
-to take care of myself
-to accept things I cannot control
-to fight fair
-to admit when I'm wrong
-to face reality
-to evaluate my own recovery
-to control my own behavior


10/6/11

*88 Days!*



Today was a very rewarding day for me. Today is the day I graduated the partial program at the hospital. I first started the program back at the end of May. Then in June I was admitted to the unit and kicked out of partial. With a lot of hard work I got back in to partial and it truly is the best thing I've ever done for myself. I learned that if you work the partial program the fullest and hardest you can, it can work wonders for you.

I had to learn the very basics, like opening up to people and trusting people. My first day I was at the far end of the table, trying to shrink back and out of sight. My first one on one, wasn't even my choice, but Dr. Graham saw something in me that was worth fighting for. That first day, I wouldn't even look at him, didn't trust him, didn't like him and wanted to run.

A lot can happen in 70+ days of therapy.....

I now can talk about anything bothering me. I learned to trust people. I learned to instill boundaries so people won't run all over me. I learned about how bad my negative thinking was and what to do to reverse it. I've learned how to combat that negative thinking every time it arises. I've learned about what my stressors are. I've learned what my illnesses are and how they apply to my behavior. I've learned how to fight back at my social anxiety. I've learned to stop waiting for my mom to be a part of my life when in reality she chooses not to be there. I've learned how to put terrible things I've been through in my past behind me, how to grieve over these things and then move on. I've learned how to take care of myself better. I've learned to appreciate what I have. I've learned I have a much better life without drugs or alcohol. I've learned I don't need others approval to like/love myself. I've learned I am talented. I learned that I deserve to have the life I want. I learned that not everything is about me. I've learned to stop punishing myself the way others have. I've learned.... to just be me...and that that is okay.

I highly recommend programs like this to anyone struggling and I encourage others to find that light at the end of the tunnel. That if you work really hard and let it all out, you too can move on and love yourself. With a lot of practice, you really can change. That there is hope and that mental illness is not necessarily cured...but can be made manageable.

I showed both Bille and Dr. Graham my letter today. Both got watery eyes and both dished out the hugs after reading it. They said it was emotional, raw, honest and something I needed to do for a long time. Coming to terms with reality is hard. But I had the courage to do it anyhow. Dr. Graham was especially moved by what he read and said it made him better understand why it was so hard to let the fantasy go. He didn't realize all she'd done or how deep or far back it went. He said it made him realize when he saw me last that what he saw in my eyes and my tears was equal to pure devastation and the feeling of being unloved. He was worried, but after reading that now he isn't so worried about me. Everyone was so proud of me. Hell even my friends on Facebook were proud and gave me all sorts of positive words and encouragement. Some of my high school friends read my status and said in pm to me that I'd struggled hard with this same thing in high school. And I really did. I've struggled with it since I was a child.

With this letter and with sending it, I feel I am finally letting go of not only false wishes but of all the pain as well. I feel like a truck has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe deep and feel true to who I really am. It may be a harsh reality for my mom, but I'm tired of the false relationship and of avoiding the reality of how bad of a mom she has been to me. I really understand now that I do not need her approval for anything and that I am my own person, with my own thoughts, feelings and dreams. I am a separate person from my mother.

And thank you to Aunt Kris, because you tried hard to get me to see this before I even started the partial program. I don't think I was ready to confront it yet, but you sure did plant the seed.... I appreciate all you've said and done. You've been more of a mother to me than my own was and I love you very much for that.

I got to fill out a survey today of my time in partial, of the doctors, of the treatment. I didn't just circle the answers, I wrote comments for everything. The hospital needs to know how good the program is and how badly it is needed. I made comments about all the doctors and staff who helped, right down to the very friendly housekeepers! I plan to write out a thank you card to Bille and also take a card to HR, so they know how successful this program can be, and how talented the staff is. I am also writing a card for a nurse named Becky on the unit. She is the one who confronted me about my drug use while in partial the first time. As upset about it as I was at the time, it was the right thing to do. She stuck to what was best for me even though I cried and pleaded for her not to. If she hadn't, I have no idea where I'd be today.

Groups:

*How to recognize depression in yourself and what to do about it.
-What are your specific symptoms when you get depressed?
-What questions can you ask yourself?
-What things can you do to turn it around and how can you combat negative thinking?

*Dr. Graham's Group
-Dr. G: the first day I saw you, you were completely closed up, non communicative, depressed and have extreme low self worth. I look at you now and see how far you have come and how much hard and painful work you have done and know this is setting you up for a better future. I'm very very proud of you.
-Remember the story about the snake and relate it to your mom. No matter what you do, she will always be the way she is. That does not have to be your problem, that is her problem and her issues.
-We are going to continue to work on our hard work to deal with issues you have left and make you even stronger and more confident than you already are.
-This letter, is a very profound moment in your continued therapy. It took a lot of courage and a lot of pain but you've learned that getting better is not always fun or easy yet you continue to push forward anyhow.

*Dr. Butt Group
-Dr. Butt: Misty! Look at you! You look beautiful and full of life and happiness! All you have gone through and you just bloom like a flower. You are doing so very well and you will continue to do well. I look forward to seeing you next month.
-It's like a baby giraffe... He is born and falls six feet to the ground, then kicked by his mother to get him to stand up. Yet he gets up, wanting to live, and thrives and grows into an amazing, tall giraffe on his own. No matter the struggle, he survives.

-M



October 5, 2011

10/5/11

*87 Days*

Very tough day today. I sat down and wrote a letter to mom. I'm going to send it tomorrow afternoon. I told her a lot of things I needed to say, about her never being around during all the milestones in my life. How I always waited for her to call or write, even if it meant waiting years. About how i'd get all excited to hear from her and then there was nothing, and it was a cruel cycle of hope and then devestation. How I've always held on to that fantasy that one day she'd turn into the mom that I wanted but now realize I will never have. The reality of it all has really hit home and I'm seeing it all for what it really was.... abandonment and her being a dead beat mom. I no longer look at her and what she has a done with a sugar coating on it.
It has been a very hard realization for me. When I wrote it out on paper to send I did it through a lot of tears. I always felt it was so unfair that so many have great moms, and that's all I'd ever wanted. A mom who cared enough about me to pay attention and recognize me. But that didn't happen. I think this will make me a lot stronger in the long run and I can deal with and put all this hurt behind me finally.

I worry about how much sleep I'll get tonight, I need it, as tomorrow is my last day of partial. I want to enjoy it.

-M

October 3, 2011

W...T....F.

I guess if you can lie through your teeth, you can wrap the court system around your finger.....

Wow. That's all I can say.

He did the poor me routine and it worked.  Continued probation, continue with family guidance, go to NA meetings, etc. etc.  The one interesting point.... the judge wants proof in the form of hospital discharge papers showing his son was in the hospital after Joplin.  Heh, good luck trying to fake that one.....

I made a well placed anonymous call to his probation officer's number, detailing how he forges the NA sheets and that most get them stamped and that he should have his stamped, cuz unless you got a NA stamper you can't get past that one.

Annnnd, just got off the phone with his P.O. as she called me back. She's gonna make him go six days a week to NA and get it stamped............hahahahahahahaha. She's also scrambling to get more info about his son so she can talk directly to him, or to his daughter, which i can most likely get that number from my friend. She, like I, is now worried my friend will not testify in court on the 17th. If he'd gone to jail, she would have, but now she probably will be too afraid.....

Jeez this is all fucked up! His P.O. was great and working hard to nail his ass to the wall.

-M

Should be interesting...

Soooo, my friend's asshole about to be ex-boyfriend has court in just over a half hour. Today it is for his NINE probation violations....

I'll be there with my friend to see what happens. I know the prosecution wants to throw the book at him. We are hoping he gets at least the 120 'shock' term in prison. Then he'll be in jail until the domestic case on the 17th. At some point they are supposed to sentence him on his original sentence he was on probation for as well. All up between the them, the prosecution is looking at somewhere between 4 and 7 years. I know of at least two people that tipped off the judge that he lied about his son dying in Joplin as well........ interesting to see how the judge reacts to him being in his courtroom again....

Will write more later in the day or evening.

-M

October 1, 2011

10/1/11 Part 2

As the day went on spending time with my friend at her work, I realized not only was I over emotional, but I was starting to feel physically sick. First it was a headache, then on and off chills, then my stomach, then my entire body started to ache, and I started getting mild restless leg syndrome. I was like what the hell??

Then it dawned on me.....

I had taken my last Risperdol on Tuesday nigh, and planned to get more. Well. I forgot to say something Wednesday, spaced it off during doctor group Thursday, then remembered to call Friday that I needed my scripts called in. I planned to then pick them up today.  I totally forgot I hadn't taken any of that med. So, today I started having withdrawal symptoms....

It was terrible! Worse than Serotonin Syndrome if you ask me. It gave me all those symptoms and slammed me into depression and on and off crying.

We went directly to Walmart after she got off work and I got the meds immediately. I went over to her house a while and took the meds right away, doubling up on my Risperdol for tonight to kick it back into my system. I'm home now and feeling way better than I did. Still a little achy but most the other symptoms have gone away.

Will plan out a better way to keep track when I'm getting low on my meds, to avoid this in the future.

-M

10/1/11

*83 Days*

Spent the morning having a one person cleaning party at my place. Just lots of little things to pick up and dishes to put away and clothes to sort through.

I had an appointment with one of my caseworkers in the afternoon and we had a long hard talk about some things. After a lot of thinking over the last week and after talking to my caseworker, I've decided to apply for disability. It is not a decision I take lightly. As well as I'm doing, I know how easily I become overwhelmed and then severely depressed. I don't want this happening again because I feel so well now. I feel I need more time to work on things before I am strong enough to try again to work. My caseworker believes with my 6 hospitalizations in 13 months that it would be much easier to get it.

By the time I went to NA with a couple of my friends in the evening, I'd beaten myself up about the disablity. When it was finally my turn to talk, it was all that was on my mind. I sort of used it to think out loud about it. I expressed how I knew I needed it, but that at the same time it feels like I'm a failure because I can't work like everyone else does. I ended up bursting into tears in the middle of what I was saying. Everyone was a great support while I talked.

After the meeting it was amazing. Five different people came up and talked to me about what I'd said, every single one telling me it was not defeat, it was not a failure on my part and with my multiple disabilities that I most likely need it right now and that is what it is there for. They assured me that I wasn't abusing the system and that sometimes people just need the help and that mental disorders are just as hard to deal with as physical ones.

One guy told me about how he is on disability because of his overwhelming depression and that it has helped him take the time he needs to slowly work on his problems. A woman told me not to look at it as giving up, to look at it as a new door of help opening for me to help me get better. A wonderful man with a voicebox pulled me aside and told me how he'd been on disability after his surgery and he was able to take the time to take some college courses and now he has a great job and is off disability and feels that if he had not been on it the time he was, he would not have gotten where he is now. Everyone was so wonderful and helpful in helping me see I am making a responsible decision and not impulsively trying over and over to work and it not working out. I really appreciated the talks from everyone.

A friend and I ended up going out to a restaurant and getting nothing but water and dessert lol. I admit, it helped my mood some. Funny how that works....  I had a dessert that was encased in shortbread, with granny smith apples, cinnamin and things baked inside. It was SO nice. Between the two of us we'd had hard days and it was nice to indulge and talk.

Today I am spending the day with her at work, chatting and plotting for both our futures. I am still a little weeping and crying today, but better than yesterday. I think some of this is coming to terms that I have disabilities. Coming to terms with the fact I am not like everyone else. It's not an easy thing to do. I want to have pride in working and making my family proud of me and it's hard to admit I can't do that right now. I'm just hoping my family and friends understand. It really helps to have their support. And their acceptance too.

I think in a few days I'll feel better about all this. It will really help when I can get to partial Tuesday and vent about it more, especially to my doc, because he always finds the words to put me at ease and remind me I'm making responsible decisions and ones based on reality, not just want.

-M