December 31, 2011

Our Building Fire Made #3 On The Top News Stories Of 2011 In Maryville

Not that THAT much happens around here lol.
Click here for story from Maryville Daily Forum

Some of the pics Jess, Lucas and I took:

 I'm SO glad that chapter of my life is over.... I do wonder what they will do with the spot where our building and the one next to it was. Right now it's just empty. I wish they'd put a little park there with a couple of benches and some grass, but who knows.



*28 Days*

Happy New Year's Eve. I hope everyone has a great NYE and NY Day. I'm going to spend it here at home, away from any temptations, but will still have fun with friends online and watching live feeds from New York and Chicago.

I'm being very positive today. I don't want to get down like I did over Christmas, so I made a little list.

Things I was grateful for in 2011:

-Getting on Cathy's program for permanent rental assistance.
-Was able to experience the partial program.
-Got my own psychologist
-Made new friends.
-Saw my family for Easter for the first time in two years and got a ride there and back from Aunt K and Uncle L, even thought it was far out of the way for them.
-Grandma L and Dad came to Maryville.
-I survived a very scary and dangerous apartment fire.
-My life was enriched by Samsam while she was alive.
-I was strong enough to break ties with my mom.
-Was given the opportunity to do DBT therapy.
-Recieved an amazing amount of support from family, friends and the community after the fire.
-Have started learning to accept myself the way I am and be proud of who I am.


PS: So what were you thankful for in 2011??

December 30, 2011


*27 Days*

Almost at thirty again, yay :) I know the days don't matter, the fact I have another day clean and sober is, but I admit it makes me feel so good to see those days going up again. It really does. As bad as I am right now emotionally, I can still be proud I'm not using anything I shouldn't be to cope. It's a great thing. :)

Haven't done a whole lot today. Slept almost twelve hours which I'm not happy about. I did manage to take a shower which seemed to revitalize me some. I did my hair and everything. I'm still depressed but it feels as though I fought back a bit today, I like that. Now I'm organizing some music on my computer, catching up on blogs and deciding what to work on this evening, DBT or Survivor To Thriver, maybe I'll do some of each? Not sure yet.

I was reminded after reading another blog, that I too need to get in for new glasses. The nice thing about Medicaid is that you get an eye exam and a pair of glasses every year. I'm squinting at the puter screen a lot and same when reading books, so I know its about time. I'll get in right after the New Year starts. Then its done for the year. I'd like to get some thin black frames, but we'll see. Anything is better than what I have now, I dont really like these ones.........

I also need to get together with Cathy and get my hair done. On her program I can get a cut and a die job! Yay! It would make me feel a little more confident getting my hair done up I think....when does that not help?! I want all blonde again, not this half blonde and half dishwater blonde I got going on. Normally I'd do it myself but its been so long my roots are way grown out and will be harder to match up, so I will leave it to the professionals.

Not much else going on. My friend probably isnt going to NA so if she doesn't go I'll probably stay home as well, as I feel a lot more comfortable going with someone. I read the daily Just For Today though and it was pretty good. I love that I can read it online :) Definitely going Monday as it is my 30 Days that day :) I dont think I will accept a new keychain since I have the ones from before, I'll just pass mine around to get some positive energy on it.

I have to look at my keyboard today as the ' button isnt working very well, like its sticking........ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


December 29, 2011

A package arrived for me today....

At first I was like, a package? The shop downstairs was holding in for me. It was from Amazon and I immediately thought of my Aunt lol. I even had a wisp of a thought it might be what it did end up being...

There was a very good book she'd given me, called Burro Genius by Victor Villasenor that I enjoyed very much. But like other things of mine it was lost in the fire. It was one of the things I really missed. Well, not anymore! She bought me another one! Yay :) As soon as I'm done with Scarpetta by Patricia Cromwell, it is next on the reading list. Been wanting to read it again.

Thanks Aunt K! It is a great surprise gift!!! Love ya,

Things I wish for next year

(thanks to Sairs for thinking this one up)

Instead of doing New Years resolutions, I'm going to do New Year's wishes. This way, if I don't do them or accomplish them, I don't have to mentally beat myself up over them. I do that enough as it is...

1. Get my mental health under control.

2. Either get on SSI or find a small part time job I can do without added too much stress for me to handle.

3. Work on my photography and find ways to share it and earn some money from it.

4. Finish my PTSD therapy completely so that I can put those things behind me for good.

5. See my family during the year.

6. Work on building my self confidence and self worth, so I can see myself the way others see me.

7. Lose weight and eat healthier. If I can, I'd like to get to a healthy weight again. I also want to eat healthier and start getting into the mantra of..... my body is my temple......that I need to take care of it.

8. Complete DBT class, then do it all again. I want to do it over again because I missed days and because the more I go, the better I'll start to understand it and the better it will help me.

9. Quit smoking for good so I can be a healthier person and not endanger my health anymore. I'm still young enough where I can reverse many of the effects.

That's my list for now. There are others, but these are really important right now.

What are your New Year's Wishes?



*26 Days*

Waking up to the joyous day that my cell phone is getting suspended, because I was manic when I spent my birthday and xmas money and didn't pay the phone bill first.... *sigh*  Good times...
Was drinking my coffee a bit ago and a bit went down the wrong pipe and I coughed so hard I had a VERP moment ....not recommended ten minutes after taking vitamins and meds, then had to fight hard not to be sick....still trying to get the taste out of my mouth damnit. (yeah probably tmfi lol)

Yesterday was okay. Robin talked me into going to her work vs. staying in the house all day. It was a good thing. A friend of mine also going through DBT stopped in for a while and we did the usual chattering about meds, symptoms, dx, etc. We were discussing Anafranil but I don't know if it is something I would try, because of the possibility for side effects.

I put some notes together for Tuesday when I see Dr. B. He is one of those docs, where if you do your homework and he agrees, will listen to and use what you suggest. It is one of the reasons I like him. I made a list to take in with me, for him to read over, of things I want to change, stop or try. Just ideas to discuss, you know? Why be on something that isn't working....

My notes:
- Want to get off of Lamictal, because I realized I was on it last year and it didn't do anything and so far isn't now.
- Want to get off of Tegretol because I've been on it over a year and at this point isn't working anymore.
- I would like to raise my Risperidone from 1mg to 2mg so I am in a  more theraputic range. It helps with mixed and manic Bipolar states, OCD and treatment resistant depression, as well as racing thoughts and delusions.
- I would like to switch from Effexor to Zoloft. The Effexor doesn't seem to be working either (really nothing but the Trazodone and Risperdal are doing anything right now) and wonder about switching to Zoloft, because I've never been able to try it. It helps with OCD, Social Phobia, depression, PTSD and panic attacks. All of which I have issues with.
- I want to ask about Lithium as a mood stabilizer, at a low dose. It helps with stabilizing moods for Bipolar and it has an anti-suicidal effect which would be nice. I want to ask if it's worth trying or not. Tegretol worked for some time, but can be known to stop working and I'm at 600 mg a day and not willing to go any higher on it.

You know, you stick around with this blog long enough and you'll know tons about psych meds haha. I've learned way more than I've wanted to.
I have realized, I've been pretty complacent and not very assertive when it has come to my medications. I am a person that doesn't like to be a bother or rock the boat, so I feel I have not been doing myself justice. I've known for some time that the Tegretol had bombed out and had my suspicions about the Effexor as well but wasn't saying anything. I have to remember the doc is there to get my meds straight but can't help if I don't say anything... Thanks to a few friends reminding me of that, I'm trying to be more assertive, especially because I'm all over the place with my up and down moods, sleeping too much, then not at all, paranoia, anxiety, insomnia, agoraphobia, racing thoughts, delusions, picking, showering, keeping house clean, thoughts of cutting, not being able to talk to people i don't know, avioding groups, crying spells, not wanting to be around anyone, etc. etc. It feels like I'm being pulled in all these different directions..... at once. It's all very exhausting. I'm trying hard to not have to go to the hospital again and I feel if I can work out some med issues, there will be no reason for me to go. I feel hopeful because I'm still doing at least a few things even though I'm really down or really manic. So we'll see.....

Had my first meeting with my new caseworker Sherlynn. My old one got a new job. I liked her but like Sherllynn much better. She has been doing the same job for years and years and has so much knowledge and experience. She also suffers from PTSD and that helps greatly in her understanding of me. Poor woman has a massive caseload right now but knows where I'm at right now so she set up another appt for next Tuesday, she's going to go with me to talk to Dr. B. about med changes. We talked about all my symptoms going on right now and she was very supportive. She's seen everything imaginable so I'm comfortable telling her all of it. She will be a good caseworker for me.

I have no idea what I'm all doing today, I'm going to try to do a few more bits around the house and at least socialize online. I just need to stay relaxed any way I can and remember I'll be seeing the doc on Tuesday.


December 28, 2011

I'm so NOT in WI anymore...

....52F today....56F tomorrow ---56!!...The last week of December........ where the heck is winter!!

This is a very strange land, Missouri........


December 27, 2011

Got a bit caught up

*24 Days*

Got up after around ten hours of sleep again, wanted to sleep a lot longer, but made myself get up. Depression is still there, but at least I got some things done I needed to. I set appointments with Dr. B for next week as he isn't in the office this week, set an appointment with one of my caseworkers, called and left a message for the other regarding a new appt., called a few places I needed to for info, etc, etc. Got all my appointments set up again, as I really let it go when I was down and when I was manic. The only thing I didn't do was go to DBT, only because I didn't have a way there. Oats bus service was very overwhelmed today, so they couldn't fit me in and I forgot to call last night for a request. Vicki wasn't too upset though, but she'd wished she could have come and got me. I did some of the homework I still had to do, so it was like having my own little DBT class :)

Been using my new daily planner and I love it. I didn't realize how nice it would be to put everything I need to do or go to in it, it's been really helpful. I also put a reminder about taking my meds in there too, since I'm looking at it multiple times a day. Forcing it as a habit to keep checking it, so I will do this everyday and not miss stuff anymore. The hardest part of ADHD is organization and this is a good first step, especially since it's my new year goal, to be more organized.

When I called to set the appt. with Dr. B for next week, the nurse called him at the hospital (hes on the unit this week) and I got permission to double my risperidone from 1mg to 2mg and stop the lamictal until I see him, which is great. We will work on the tegretol next week and see if I should try something else. I will be armed with the mood graph when I go in, to point out none of my meds are helping my bipolar.

Not sure what I want to accomplish tonight, little bit of work on the bedroom with something on here maybe, just sort of do it casually and take it easy.

Hope everyone had a good day,

December 26, 2011

Mood Chart and posts

Just wanted to say that I am just over 700 posts in this blog now........ wow. Time goes by fast when you are posting like crazy :P

I started my own mood chart on at the start of November as a way to be able to see clearly my bipolar and my mood shifts. Well it's been a real eye opener... I failed to track my sleep throughout December but now am starting to do it again, as I find it interesting how it matches up with the depression and mania.  I you haven't done one, you should give it a try, it's all very neat to see.



Check This Out LOL

The sweatest of revenge...... messing with your cheating boyfriend's head with his own favorite game.... LOL

Sara :)

Looking pretty as usual :)



*23 Days*

Wasn't sure I'd sleep well last night, but ended up sleeping like a rock, so good in fact, I almost missed Dr. G.'s session! I made it on time thought. *phew*

It was a really positive session. Despite my crazy emotional rollercoaster I have going on, I am managing to do a lot of things right. My apartment is almost done, that is one thing. I'm smoking less cigarettes now, that is two. I'm pushing myself a lot more, having more successes getting out than not, although I voiced my frustration about not going to the Christmas Dinner thing yesterday. He reminded me it was one incident and that I cannot dwell on it, but keep doing more things instead.

We talked a lot about how I am catching myself in negative thinking and turning it around. I'm becoming more conscious when I start thinking that way or start procrastinating or letting myself get down over little things. He said this is a really big step. Knowing I am doing it is half the battle. He wants me to start writing down specific examples again, so he can see where I'm at. He's also happy I'm learning from DBT and from the Survivor To Thriver workbook. He said, basically, even though my emotions are all over the place, I'm still managing to do more work on myself and he is very happy about that.

Dr. B.'s office isn't open today, so I have to wait until tomorrow to call about an appointment. Will be doing it first thing in the morning! I wrote down the things I want to change so I remember what I all need to discuss with him.

Today, I'm spending the afternoon both cleaning the bedroom and playing online. I'm finding the breaks in between cleaning help a long way. This evening I'll go to NA :)

Hope everyone is having a good day,

December 25, 2011


*22 Days*
After what has been a really crappy 24 hours or so, it was nice to sit and watch a great Packer game online. They won, clinched homefield advantage throughout the playoffs and knocked the Bears out of the playoffs. Yay :)

Yesterday my mood was good most of the day, but when I got home it crashed pretty badly and I rolled the thought around in my head of taking all my pills. Instead I went to bed and slept until after 3pm this afternoon. So now my sleep schedule is all messed up when I have to get up early to see Dr. G in the morning. Nice...

I am going to try to get the fastest appt. to Dr. B. that I can get. I think the Lamictal is causing problems with my moods swinging so fast and deeply. I want off of it. I also want to ask if I can get off the Tegretol as it isn't helping me at all. I also want to talk to him about raising my Risperdal for the racing thoughts. I told Jess, I think I need to be more assertive in telling the doc if something doesn't seem to be working, instead of waiting so long to see if it will. I've been on Tegretol over a year and am getting nothing out of it. I just hope I can get the med thing sorted.

Hope everyone had a happy holidays :)

December 24, 2011


This evening once I'm home, I'll catch up here and do some catch up on everyone else's blogs I read.

Hope you all are doing well:) Happy Christmas Eve!!

December 22, 2011

Shoppingggggggggggggggggggg Spree

I love places like Dollar General, where you can spend fifty buck on the same stuff you can get for triple that at Walmart. I used my Xmas money from Grandma L. I don't even remember everything I got. I know I got a little relaxing water fountain, two or three paintings for the walls, those stick and twirly things you put in a vase on the floor, a pretty clock for the kitchen, etc.  Was fun to be able to do that for once, since most of the year I'm entirely broke.

I will be doing smart things too, I'm going to hoard away some of the money and I'm paying up a couple months on my phone, etc.

But it was sure nice to get artsy stuff for the apartment!


*19 Days*

Woke up this morning to two packages outside my door. One was from Dad and the other was from Grandma L. The one from Grandma had a cute little stocking in it and also a canister...which I knew immediately....contained her famous home made fudge!!!!!!!! YES! Haven't had any in a long time. What can I say? YUM! I knew what Dad sent before I opened it. More Tanzanian coffee!!!!!!!! He knows how much I love that stuff! It is SO yummy! This year it came with a really pretty ornament of a reindeer. Was nice.

Spent some time down at the smoke shop with my friend, now I'm home and in the mood to do more housework. Yay....I think... haha.

It's very cold out, was 26F earlier, now it's up to a whopping 28F with the wind at 14mph steady mostly which makes the wind chill (how cold it feels with the wind) to a chilly 16F. I's cold outside lol. Especially when out walking around.

I'll have to count up how many Xmas cards I have, once I get them all hung up, but it is quite a few. Is gonna make the livingroom even cuter :)


 Grandma L's wonderful homemade peanut butter and chocolate fudge :)

 For Trace:y:  Now the bruise has completely gone from purplish to like a mustard yellow...yuck!

December 21, 2011

Good Day

*18 Days*

Had a pretty good day today. The mail lady ran into me right outside the building door and remembered me from the old building and was like, here you go. A big box from Dad & Jacqi, a smaller box from Aunt Tina and 8 Christmas cards :D Right after she handed them to me my friend, who's asshole soon to be ex boyfriend had court today, ran into me too. I put the stuff in my apartment and decided to go to court with her to see what happened.

Total 180 from the last few times he's went in. They didn't buy into his lies, they proved 12 probation violations to be true and this time the judge was very angry with him. In the end, he got 120 days in Department Of Corrections and my friend can finally walk away from the worst relationship she's ever been in. Within forty minutes of them cuffing him and taking him to jail she was already starting to box up his stuff. Good!!

Went to an NA meeting and I said that for the first time in at least ten year, I am clean and sober on my birthday. Then I said, hey, I'll actually remember it tomorrow!! It was the truth but drew a laugh from everyone, I'm sure they'd say the same thing.

Opening Dad & Jacqi's box was awesome. I got my authentic Brewers uniform shirt, which is very expensive but Dad knew someone who knew he got them cheaper that wholesale and saved him hundreds. I LOVE IT. No writing or anything on it, it's ALL in real patches. SO cool. They also got me two journals, one very artsy the other which pokes fun at being crazy in a fun way :P Also a calendar with positive quotes.

I did run to Walmart today and got to use a little of my birthday money, which also came today, and got a daily planner for next year. My goal for next year is to learn how to be a lot more organized. So it will help. I also got a new address book, since mine had been damaged by the fire and was one I had since 2002 and was a big mess of crossed out and added addresses, phone numbers and emails.

Got like thirty 'happy birthday' wishes on Facebook today, I was like wow! People do actually like me :)


The front of the Brewers Uniform shirt and the M on the arm.
 The back of the shirt, with my fav player Rickie Weeks, and the authentification logo.
 Detailed shot of the patchwork. There is nothing written or printed on the shirt. It is ALL thick patches.

One of my bruises from my crash and burn with the computer desk the other day. Slowing turning colors. You are welcome Tracey LOL.

December 20, 2011


getting a lot accomplished between yesterday evening and this morning, I went back to my Australian journal and went through my blog posts and caught the whole thing up. Now all my journal needs is pictures!!

I'll post more later :)


December 19, 2011


*16 Days*

Well, it was postponed....again. Only until Wednesday though. The docket was full and apparently his is going to take like an hour to an hour and a half. It will be very interesting on Wednesday and a very interesting start to my birthday lol. If he goes to would be like a bday present.....

The rest of the day was okay. I came home around 6pm and getting a few things done. Thanks to my Grandma L, I got a new address book for my birthday. I hate to give up the old one, it's so cute and I've had it so long (2002) but it was damaged in the fire and stuff added and crossed out all over the place. It was time for a new one. Spent some time transfering everything to the new book, which was a more extensive project that I imagined it would be..... took almost two hours all up!

I had to take some of that cough syrup with codeine, which I hate, it makes me itch all over and I get a little uncoordinated. Well, I finally fell on it. I tripped and crashed across my desk, sending everything moving and my coffee flying! Within a second I had grabbed the laptop before the coffee got to it. *phew* I'm going to be sporting a rockin bruise on my upper arm where it caught the side of the desk where the shelves are..... It's already red with hints of purple. I'll post a pic in a few days :P

Now I'm off to catch up some recent journal entries and then go from there.

PS: be careful out there!

Off To Court................again.

Today they are setting pretrial stuff in motion because he's taking the domestic assault case to trial, but more importantly, they are dealing with his multitude of probation violations. The court wants to strip his probation from him and they are armed with a huge list of violations and even his probation officer is subpenaed (?) to testify against him. Crossing fingers but don't feel any hope after how many times it's been postponed before.


December 15, 2011


*12 Days*

Having a pretty decent day today, after getting up late. Slept like a log until after ten am this morning. It's okay though I think I really needed a good sound sleep and I'm so happy I got it for a change.

It's weird to think my birthday is in 6 days, like........ where did the entire YEAR just go??? Seriously it went really fast. Almost 2012 already. Then we get to see if the world will blow up or not :P

Bought an e-cigarette today. I'm hoping to use them while I quit. Going to test run it and see how it goes. If I like it, I'll use some of the birthday money from this year to buy a kit. The goal is to use each cartridge and then drop down a nicotine level with each cartridge until you hit the one with nothing in it. It's promising. I think I'd lose my mind if I just quit cold turkey, although I am very determined. For my health to get better and not worse, I just have to quit. That's all there is to it.

Got my first Xmas card today :D From my Aunt in Minnesota. She also sent a birthday card a couple days ago. This year I plan to hang the cards up on the back side of my kitchen cabinets, that faces the livingroom. Once I get a few up, I'll take a pic to show what I mean. I love having a bunch of cards hanging up, makes me smile.

Not much else to write about atm, I've doing very well at knocking down negative thoughts as I gegt them, counteracting them in my mind and also reminding myself where they come from. This last bit especially, seems to make me feel I have more power over it than before. So I will keep up my work with that.

Still sick thought feeling somewhat better today, these antibiotics seem to be knocking whatever has my tonsils so crazy, down some. Nothing helps the cough though, been using the inhaler as needed. I'm assuming my lung issues are not related to the tonsil thing, like they think. They pretty much figured that out when they gave me these new meds, that the lung thing is seperate and could be getting worse from the smoking. Once I am through this course of antibiotics then we'll see if a chest x-ray is needed or not.

Talked to Mike for a while today, was awesome!! He's doing really well. We are talking a lot of talk about him coming down in the spring, now that his schedule has changed to something like four days on, four days off. He was pretty excited about it.

Played around with my profile on fb today, am now using the new 'timeline' feature and finding I like it a LOT better than the way it was before. This is a change they did really well on. Makes it more interesting when viewing profiles I think.

Will probably write more later.


December 13, 2011


*10 Days*

Had to go back to the Dr. today. I've had painful problems with my tonsils and throat and I've recently started coughing a lot more than usual, definitely while trying to smoke a cigarette, but also getting out of breath much easier, especially when going up stairs, walking two or more blocks, moving around a lot, like while cleaning, etc.

The first time I went in, last week, I was given that antibiotic, which in the end, did nothing for any of my symptoms, which is why I went back today. My GP wasn't at the regular office, but was at the walk in clinic at the hospital, so I went up there.

He said while my tonsil swelling has improved some, he can still feel it protruding from feeling my neck on the right side. He thinks I had developed streptococcal tonsillitis (strep throat and tonsillitis at the same time) and me assuming it was being a cold and too stubborn to go in soon enough, it got worse and hence harder to treat. He prescribed me a different type of antibiotic with a longer duration of taking it. He also gave me a cough med with pain med in it to help with the soreness especially.

He listened extensively to my lungs and frowned. I am having problems with a non productive harsh cough as well as breathing issues like being able to breathe in deep like I should be able to. He asked me questions about my lung function during daily activities, when I wake up in the morning, during mild and strong physical activity and while smoking. With all this in mind, he told me I was pre-copd, which basically is a warning, that if I do not quit smoking now, that copd is the road I will go down. He said it is the only warning I will get, that I need to quit, any way I can. That I am too young to have lungs sounding so badly. He gave me an Albuteral 30 day inhaler that I have to use every six hours or sooner if I start having a coughing fit. It will make my couch for productive, open the airways up more and lessen the coughing spells. He said take it until it was gone, and if needed I can get a refill.

It all left me feeling a little stunned. I know so many with COPD, some with really bad COPD too. I really do not want to go down that road. It's hard enough right now with it, as it is....

DBT class was VERY good. There was only two of us and the therapist today, everyone was a no show it seemed like! We talked about radical acceptance which is a problem for me. I have not been able to do this with my abuse past, thought I really need to as my next stepping stone towards recovery. It's funny how we talked about that in DBT and also talked about the same thing with Dr. G. in therapy on Monday. Obviously it's something I really need to be able to do.

If you are reading this and have or know anyone with COPD, can you write a bit in the comments for me about how bad it can be and why I need to quit, even if you know noone, I just need to hear and see how badly I need to quit for motivation right now.

My Positiveness

Doing my own positives post, completely taken from my blogging friend Sairs, thanks for the inspiration!!!!

Success Stories:
-Got all 49 Xmas cards done and sent!
-Went to Walmart while very crowded and managed my social anxiety fairly well and survived
-Actually did just a tad of photography this week!

Gratitudes/Things that make me happy:
-Making very creative Xmas cards this year
-Tracey, Jess & Robin
-My Photography
-10 Days of Sobriety!

Challenge and cheer-leading statements:
-It's okay to talk in DBT
-I can go into a crowded store and not run back out
-Accepting that I was abused won't hurt me
-It is okay to express my feelings about my past and am learning I will not get in trouble for it, that I have a right to feel the way I feel.

Don't mind any typos by me today...

My doc prescribed me Cheratussin 10....which is like Robotussin with Codeine. I told him I wasn't sure about it, told him about my sobriety issues, and he told me to ONLY take it as the bottle says, that taking a medication exactly as prescribed does not count against my sobriety. Abusing it would. I thanked him for the little pep talk. He said if I have any issues while taking it, have someone I trust hold on to it. If I even THINK that way, I will. My friend who is holding my Klonopin said just call and say the word and she'll come get it.

I took the first dose and I see why he said to use it, my burning and aching of my tonsils has stopped. Finally.

Anyhow, warning: this med will probably make me a bit goofy and cause oddball typos :)


PS: Remembering the bad part of codeine for me...I get the itchies all over the place.....driving me a little nutty....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

December 12, 2011


*9 Days*

Had my appointment with Dr. G. this morning. It was another good one, as they always are. It was funny, he almost opened his Xmas card above the carpet and I was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOL. (didn't know if he would be able to vacuum it up....) Then he got really suspicious, it was funny. Then, he said hrmmm.... maybe I'll make my wife open it hahahahahaha. LOL.

We wasted over fifteen mins of my session talking football, had no idea he was a fan, AND he likes the PACKERS! :D He likes how phenomenal they are doing, as well as their dedicated fan base and atmosphere at home games, and their history, Lombardi and all.

He asked why I was so overtired today and I explained that I had the worst night of insomnia I've had in at least months. I could not fall asleep. Around three am I did but then woke up a half hour later, then slept from about 530 to 730 when I had to get up for the appointment. He asked if I dreamt at all when I did sleep and I said I had nightmares of being lost in a hospital and trying to find help and it was like no one saw I was there.

We talked a little about my current health issues and we talked some on soon being ready to try to quit smoking again. He said he was here to help with that in any way possible. He didn't understand how I could still be a smoker, given my grandfather died of lung cancer. Really I don't know how either.

Then we got into the nitty gritty again. We hit on some answers today, about my social anxiety. Basically he said I was still living in my child state, which I totally agree with. All the same child fears etc. He said, as a child, everything I was told about myself, I believed, but then also applied it to the world at large. Like, everyone hates me and everyone thinks I'm stupid, etc. He said that is a way a child thinks, they generalize, and do it less and less as they get older, but I didn't. As an adult, I still think and assume the exact same things I did as a child, I generalize everyone, the world, thinking everyone is judging me, hating me, etc.

We also talked about how much trouble I am having owning it, my abuse, my childhood. That I cannot move on because I haven't done radical acceptance, accepting, what happened. That I cannot pull the emotion apart from the facts. He said I have to find a way to do this if we are going to move on in our therapy.

He asked the same thing he asked early on in therapy, how I view the abuse and I said in first person, exactly as I saw it happen. But, now, I see it separate, from second view. As if I was someone else there, seeing the little girl get hurt, humiliated and abused. He said this is really good progress. That it is a step in the right direction, of separating myself as an adult, from myself as a child. It was good.

He gave me a lot to think about and a lot to work on this week. Looking forward to the next session.


December 10, 2011

How do I always do this to myself lol

I went from doing twenty Xmas cards....... to doing just under 50.....again :P I really think part of Christmas for me is doing this tradition that I got from my Dad, who probably got from his mother. I just find it fun, entertaining and a real giving feeling by taking the time to send everyone a little personal holiday cheer :) Yay for giving!

December 9, 2011

Just For Today 12/9

Daily reading:

Have you ever watched two small children carry on a conversation? One will be talking about purple dragons while the other carries on about the discomfort caused by having sand in one's shoes. We sometimes encounter the same communication problems as we learn to listen to others. We may struggle through meetings, trying desperately to hear the person sharing while our minds are busy planning what we will say when it's our turn to speak. In conversation, we may suddenly realize that our answers have nothing to do with the questions we're being asked. They are, instead, speeches prepared while in the grip of our self-obsession.

Learning how to listen-really listen-is a difficult task, but one that's not beyond our reach. We might begin by acknowledging in our replies what our conversational partner is saying. We might ask if there is anything we can do to help when someone expresses a problem. With a little practice, we can find greater freedom from self-obsession and closer contact with the people in our lives.

Just for Today: I will quiet my own thoughts and listen to what someone else is saying.

Found this one really interesting because a lot of times I DO this in NA meetings. I think part of it is my social phobia and wanting to say things right and being prepared....but I need how to listen more to what other's are saying too.


*6 Days*

Well, I'm surviving...

Living off ice cream, Azithromycin (antibiotics), cough drops, cold fluids and Tylenol Cold & Flu Severe. I have a little more energy than I had yesterday. Yesterday I felt like I had the crap beat out of me :( Had to put my list of stuff to do on hold. I'm going to brew up some coffee and get a few more things done on that list today if I can. Was SO boring laying around all day yesterday....

The other night, I did work on my homework related to my visits with Dr. G. I'm doing a lengthy workbook called Survivor To Thriver. It's specifically for adults who went through childhood abuse and it's really good. It will take me weeks if not longer to get through. It's very hard to do, but I think it will be really helpful along with my sessions with Dr. G. and my DBT course. It was feeling like I had too much time of no therapy between weekly visits and this is filling that void. I'm serious about getting through it and changing my thinking around and I feel this need to be working on it more than a day or two a week since it's on my mind a lot anyhow.

Might post more later.


December 7, 2011

Every LIttle Thing I Want To Get Done In The Next 30 Hours Or So....

When you have things like ADHD and OCD and Depression and are unmotivated and let things go, the most common suggestion is........... make a list. Do a few things at a time, then take a break. So I'm making my list here, every bit of it. Ack!!

I'll be updating this blog post as I do things, by marking them off with an X to show myself my progress. I think a clean happy home will help my mood.


X Catch up on other's blogs/chat for a bit
X Make much needed COFFEE
X Pick up and take out garbo
X Put dishes away
X Pick up dishes
X Load and start dishwasher
__Clean counters
__Sweep floor
__Email Niki/chat for a bit
X Pick up livingroom
__Put stuff away
__Vacuum livingroom
__Put books in order
__Clean out email/chat for a bit
__Put stuff in bathroom away
__Wipe down bathroom
__Clean shower, toilet, etc.
__Sweep floor
__Put some notes on DBT up on FB/Chat online for a bit
__Put clothes away
__Pick up bedroom
__Clean off desk
__Chat for a bit
__Rearrange dresser
__Move stuff in closets
__Play Farkle/Chat for a bit
__Finish putting up Xmas stuff
__Finish Xmas cards
__Put stamps on cards/Chat for a bit
__Vacuum rest of apartment
__Arrange meds
__Start folder of meds papers
__Catch up on FB/Chat for a bit
__Work on DBT homework
__Chat for a bit
__Work on Dr. G. homework
__Chat for a bit
__Work on EDLGS survey
__Call SFH & FGC about SSI

__Yay things are done!



*4 Days*

Still very frustrated at this starting my clean days over again, it irritates me every time I post it now, but I'm sure I'll get better with it.

Went to my DBT group yesterday. It was a very good one. I missed two weeks so I have a lot of catching up to do in the next few days. We are on the emotional regulation module and we talked a lot about opposite action. We had an assignment this week. To take something you fear and try to meet it head on in some way, to do the opposite of what you normally do. I started mine today while I was at my friend's work. Mine was to look everyone who came in the shop, in the eye and say hello, instead of looking somewhere else and avoiding the people who came in.

I was feeling very sickly today, got tonsillitis again, so I was crabby and didn't want to do it at all. So I didn't do it to everyone that came in, but did about half. On Saturday I will try to do it the entire day.

Went to the doc in the morning, as I knew what it was already. He took one look at my throat and just went.....YEP. He remembered the last time I was in for it and we talked a little about at least thinking over the option of having them removed, because I get it at least two and sometimes three times in a year. I'll think on it a while. He gave me a combo shot of tramodol/anti-inflammatory which made me rather loopy for a lot of the day :P I'm also on the "z pak" which is a five day antibiotic treatment of Azithromycin. They always give me that for strep throat and tonsillitis because I'm allergic to Penicillin. I was happy, so far it hasn't upset my stomach like it sometimes does.

Now I'm home and enjoying online chatting. Do have things to get done though as well. JP and TT are going to be my motivators again.... :D


December 5, 2011


*2 Days*

Had my weekly session with Dr. Graham. I handed him my journal because it was hard for me to fess up to taking the 12 Klonopin. He was like...... 12! One would probably knock me out!
At least he tried to make me laugh a little. He's good that way.

He agreed to me starting over on my serenity days, that it really was the right thing to do. He said to give myself a little credit, as I immediately confessed to it the next morning, I owned up to it right away, that it shows integrity and that I honestly do find it very important.

He asked what I thought about what we talked about last week, about putting her to a god like status and I now understand what he meant. As a kid, it was all I knew. She controlled me in almost every way. If I got to eat, see friends, dress how I wanted, as well as punishments that 'she' saw fit. It was almost like she even knew what I was thinking.

To me she was 'all controlling'. This went on day after day, month after month for seven years. For a little while after she was gone, I went through an 'angry phase' starting fires, vandalizing, lying, not going to school, beating people up smaller than me... For whatever reason, it didn't last and I instead turned it inward on myself. She was no longer hurting me but I learned it so well that I started doing it instead. She didn't let my self worth develop, my confidence, self esteem and left me with an empty shell of a person, so badly I didn't know who I was...hell I barely know now.

I found solace in choosing friends who were bigger and tougher than me, because I felt I needed people to protect me and from all the things that might harm me the way she did.

We talked more about the anger and the hatred I have built up because of her. I'm starting to understand more about just HOW much hatred and anger I have. Anger I've pent up for decades. The good part, is I can now acknowledge it is there. It is a big start. I can't really vent it yet, but it's somewhere to begin.

I went to another NA meeting. It was the bigger one that I like, because I'm getting to know a lot of the people. I offered to go first when they opened it up for discussion, because I kinda wanted to get it over with. I cried, saying I had to start over again, what happened and how badly it was making me feel, and how I am now making myself go to three or four meetings a week. Everyone was super supportive. Almost everyone that talked had something to say about the struggles of relapse and how to not dwell on it to badly. And if i could make 145 days I can easily do it again. After the meeting almost everyone came up to me and gave me hugs and whispered encouragement in my ear or told how they too had it happen to them and came back from it. One girl even gave me the step working guide for free, which was amazing. I felt actually pretty decent after that meeting.

Just one day at a time....

December 4, 2011


*1 Day* (sigh)

How did it get to this? I don't know what the hell I was thinking!! I didn't smoke pot or anything like that. But, I got a script of Klonopin because my anxiety and panic has been raging this week. It's like the 'little' me is coming out a lot from the therapy and wanting to panic, fear and hide. So, Dr. B gave me a two week supply of it. My plan was to leave them with my friend, so I only took one when I needed to, knowing my history with them. Instead, I went home and took twelve of them just to put a halt to my worry, racing thoughts, fear and panic. It did the trick, but it was wrong. I abused my pills for a numbing euphoric effect. I feel, no I know, I just killed my sobriety. It doesn't matter it was my meds, my script, I still used them in a way not prescribed.

I feel it would be a lie to keep counting my serenity days. It's best, that I have to start over. It is the honest thing to do - the right thing to do. I do not want to lie about my days, because they mean so much to me, and the only one I'd truly be lieing to is...myself.

It makes me feel like a failure, like a total fuck up, that I can't even do this one thing right. That it's still so hard to communicate what I feel that I have to cover up with bad coping skills. I have stuffed every bad emotion and painful emotion that it is like the hardest thing in the world to now express it, to confide in anyone. I always feel that my feelings are a lie, not justified, insignificant....

I know deep down that isn't true. I'm starting to see the significance between what I was taught and what is the truth, but actually believing it, telling myself it is okay, that I'm not stupid for having these thoughts and emotions are normal and okay .... it's still like hitting a brick wall of stuff engrained into me. Fighting past it is like a war in my head. Like the old vs. the new. I still feel shame, embarassment and uncomfortableness when I do cry, which I've done multiple times this week. I want to hide in a curled up ball of safety, so I won't be hurt, yelled at or ridiculed. I go into total protection mode. Like something bad will come of it.

It was so incredibly hard in therapy on Tuesday. I don't know if I've ever cried like that in front of anyone before. It made me feel so vulnerable and scared but in the end that wasn't the case. I've managed to find the one psychologist who gets all that and has made the environment very comfortable for me to show me it doesn't have to be a bad or negative thing.

I know this all needs to be done, to change that little girl and the incorrect messages and teachings of abuse into correct ones so it changes how I react and think now. I also, must work hard to change the bad coping skills I've picked up over the years, to understand that the good ones can work just as well, if I just give them a real chance to work.

I went to an NA meeting even though I was in no mood to go. I'm SO glad I did thought. When it was my turn to talk I admitted what had happened and after the meeting so many came up to me and talked to me about when they messed up. Turns out many do at least once. They all said to take it as a good learning lesson and to come out of it positive. I will try.


December 2, 2011


*145 Days*

It's the first day of Misty's Christmas Card Party........... whooot! I didn't think I'd get to do any this year, but a friend got me cards, ribbon and stickers......... as an Xmas pressy.... :D
I've narrowed it down to twenty cards........ HARD for me!

Off I go, hehe.