July 30, 2012

I'll Write A Proper Blog Later

but this is just SO funny.

What it's like for an athlete's parents to watch their performance....

hahahahaha (looks way too stressful :P )

July 26, 2012


he tried....


Crossing my fingers no one else, Team USA or otherwise, gets any injuries....

First it was announced that Iordache (ROM) was injured, then a male Chinese gymnast pulled out with injury, then McKayla broke her toe..... she's still going to compete, just on vault only (ouch?)...

McKayla: "I just try to ignore it and I have worked so hard to be here I can ignore the pain for a little bit."

Then, word came through one of our back up gymnasts, Anna Li, fell off bars and landed on her neck. She tore a ligament in her neck, but luckily that is all. Unfortunately she's no longer going to be able to compete.

I'm just glad she's ok! And you know, walking! Must be very frustrating to have that happen so close to competition though. At least she's in good spirits :)

I really HOPE this is the last of the injuries...


Edit, after today's podium training, add a female gymnast from Brazil, who injured her back and is out and the top girl from China pulled a muscle in her thigh but will fight through it to compete.

Better Day

Today seems to be a bit better. Well, it WAS until the fucking internet decided to just...... STOP.
I tried unplugging the modem a couple times, readjusting the cable, unhooking the cables, etc.

Finally I gave up and called Suddenlink.  The guy I talked to was really awesome and we tried everything we could, still nothing. He's wondering if my modem is having a short life span as it's been going on and off for weeks and he was able to see the connection history. He also said it had generated tons of errors.

So, now I get a guy coming out to look at it. Only one problem.... it's not until MONDAY. They are THAT backed up here. *sigh*  Jess you better cross your fingers it comes back on....

I booked my appointment for getting cable tv... just as I wanted, I will get it the morning of the 3rd :D He ended up waiving the hook up fee for the cable... I think he felt bad I had no internet and he couldn't do anything about it :(

At the moment I'm *borrowing* my neighbors wifi, which he left open in case I ever needed to (which was really nice). Yay for internet! Even if it's not mine!!! lol


Goodbye Miss Margie

July 24, 2012

My world is upside down today

I mean, I just talked to HER like six days ago. We talk every couple weeks. We both were doing well and we chatted about little things and bitched about disability and insurance. She did say it was harder for her to breathe in the hot weather so she was trying to be careful. But no other hint something might be coming.

I got on Facebook today and Margie's daughter sent me a message: Margie passed away last night.

All I could think of was Oh My God! The woman whom I talk to about anything and everything is just gone, no warning, just gone. It feels like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it a bunch of times.

I didn't see it coming at all. No time to try to prepare. Just Bamb! And her poor family, her wonderful daughter Robyn, whom Margie bragged nonstop about, good mama she was. I feel terrible for her.

What a mess.

I've been walking around the house crying, then okay a while, then crying. I took some meds to help calm me down, but yes, I've had a little wine too. Only in little bits, or I'll be crawling the floor with the meds. It's all just a way to keep me calmer, yet able to grieve. I'm not ready to talk to anyone on the phone, texts, messenger, fb is fine. I just can't get through full sentences yet without crying so talking is almost pointless. I'm running into others from our group, all having the same issue. So at least I don't feel alone.

Loves to everyone,


All I keep thinking, is I can never just pic up the phone and call her, I can never just hear her voice again. It's devastating.

July 23, 2012

Haldol Hell

To me, it's like this:

Bwhahahahahahaahahaha..... it does indeed have subliminal messages......


More Work To Do

I had a very interesting and informative session with Dr. G. today. I hadn't seen him in ages, but due to my recent hospitalization, they had set up an appointment with him. We were both excited to see each other....it had been forever!

We did kind of an overview of how the last few months had gone and we talked about how I'd reduced my meds because of financial reasons and made a deal I wasn't going to do that anymore....

He agreed I shouldn't be on the Haldol, especially with the side effects, but also because he thinks we can alleviate the paranoia and anxiety through a lot of therapy work. He said its an awful strong medication for me to be on and doesnt agree with it....(me either)!!

Then we really got into it about the anxiety and all. His theory (which I agree with) is that being left alone in the crib as a baby for long periods, opened me up to fear at a a very young age (under 1 yr.) and abandonment as well. At that age I wasn't yet able to express it and it happened enough where I would feel fear before identifying the reason. As I grew up I was always scared of stuff and as an adult I still am. The fear comes on automatic, before even identifying what I'm afraid of...it just comes on in waves. Add to that constant worry about everything possible in the future, repetitively over and over, that comes on automatic, without thought, just instantly.

Obviously medication isn't helping it. Lithium has done wonders for evening out my moods, but nothing helps the constant worry. So, we will try to slowly work on reversing it therapeutically. It also means I get to bust out "the notebook" again. Where I write down all of my worries again as they happen and every instance of fear, then rewrite it into something positive. It is also about giving all that fear a voice, something I wasn't able to do as a child.

We have no idea if it will help, as the fear is so primal. But it is definitely worth the effort, especially if down the road I thrive and can get off disability.

- M

July 22, 2012

Getting a good schedule going

As part of setting up a good schedule for myself, I'm going to try to be in bed by 10pm every night for a while (equates to about 1pm by you Tracey). I like the getting up earlier and it's really good for my morning walks. Plus I think it will just settle it all down for me, to have some stability and a bit of a schedule.
It was nice this morning to get up early enough to go for a walk like I did and I want to keep doing that each morning.
Anyhow, just had to say that :)

Any idea what that Olympic Mascott is supposed to be?? :P

The girls hanging out with one of the Mascotts. Nice to see they get to have a little fun away from training! :)

Really cool info/graphic

Found this to be really informational and the graphics were cool too. :)

Not liking the new med

I think I'm gonna call Dr. B. tomorrow and see about getting off the Haldol. I just can't take it. It's got me SO restless I dunno what to do. I'm getting restless leg syndrome during the day and night and just cannot keep still. Argggggggggggggggg!! I wanna hack my damned legs off!


July 20, 2012

Well I can guess who's seeing Elton again!!!

What the hell lol. SOOOOOOOOOOOO not fair!! Tracey, did ya know he's gonna play by you on Nov. 15?? Start planning tickets go on sale in a couple weeks! You lucky lucky bitch lol.

We still have yet to get him in our area............. *cries*

I wanna see elton.................... whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....


Just catching up on news I missed

My thoughts go out to the victims and families of this horrible horrible incident....


What the hell is the world coming to? How awful.

Very cool pic

...Of Alicia Sacramone. It's not new, but was part of ESPN's "the body" issue, which celebrates our athletes and the amazing form their bodies come in after so much hard work. Tasteful, yet cool :)

Sure wish I looked like that! Alas, the hard work it must take to be in shape like this....


Fun Times On The "unit"

Yes, there has been a reason I haven't blogged in four days. Yours truly was on the "unit" at the hospital. I sincerely wished I hadn't gone that route, but I did and at least I'm out now.

It started Monday night, between a few drinks and my brain misbehaving. I'd been tapering back on my medication for weeks, because I couldn't afford the $400+ it was going to cost me to pay for them. In the end I did end up paying for them, but because I'd been almost completely off my Lithium my brain was playing tricks on me. I suddenly got very down and knew I had to do something. I had just started to cut.... when I stopped myself and told myself not to be stupid.

I called Rob and she came and got me. For whatever reason, I'd decided going to the unit was the best way to deal with things. So I packed a few things and off I went.

I could tell, that this time I didn't need to be there. Usually when I am in a real state, it doesn't bother me being on the unit. I am comfortable there and it helps calm me. This time however, it was the opposite. I pretty much was bored out of my mind, asking myself why did I come up here? over and over again. Not much was done to really help at all and I knew how I'd gotten into that state and I just didn't need all the watered down type therapy and sitting around looking at the clock for eons.

The only interesting part was this time there were people on the unit that really were in bad bad states. Completely out of it. One one had, I felt really badly for them and on the other hand, it sort of grates on your nerves quickly when they going on and on saying the same thing for hours and just...gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I saw more nurse's get yelled at and verbally abused by patients than all of my other stays put together. They really have a hell of a  job to do and they do it without getting stressed and angry. I was pretty amazed by that.

So, today I was let loose....I was ready to skip through the parking lot singing Elton songs lol. I'm going to call my doc here shortly and see if I can skip my haldol a day or two and see if I go back to the normal me. I surely hope he lets me!!

Glad to be home!


PS: About the only good thing to come of all this, is they finally took me off Seroquel. I've honestly gained about nine pounds since I've been on it. It's the main reason he took me off it. He's like what good does it do when you gain a bunch of weight because of it.... I told him the amounts I'm exercising and he said Seroquel can also make it very hard to lose weight. So he was like, that med is out of there! :D

Before I blog about the last few days...

I'm first bitching about this new medication. I'm fed up with it already. I see the doc again on the 27th and I'm asking to not stay on it and I think I'll get him to agree with me.

He put me on Haldol, which I've heard about but never been on until now. So far my side effects include tiredness, lethargy, "zoning out", no motivation, restlessness, issues sleeping, and just a subdued spacy feeling. On top of that I'm having raging digestive issues with it. *sigh*

Even the digestive issues I could deal with but this lump on a log spaced out crap has to go. I hate the feeling SO much and I've only been on the med four days. It sounds like a common set of side effects for the med.

I've had three cups of coffee since I got home to try to combat it, and it doesn't even TOUCH it.

I'd rather deal with the excess worry and paranoia than feel like this all the time. This is very much NOT me, I need to be able to think clearly and function and move around and do things. This is just not going to work.


(end of complaining)


July 15, 2012


So I decided to be a little ... frugal. I was in need of something to do anyhow. So I decided to wash a few clothes by hand, mainly things like socks. I did a good job scrubbing them... a little too good, as I managed to accidentally scrub some skin off my fingers and palms...ooops...

It's not bad, just annoying. It's like when you get a cut or sore on a finger or hand, you are bound to hit it on everything humanly possible! Grrrrrrrrrrrr....

So I leave you with one of my sore spots lol...


July 14, 2012

Wow ---> Day 225!

It just dawned on me that I had no idea how many days I've gone without drugs in my life and I thought I'd look to see. Turns out today is day 225!!!  :D  How cool is that?! I'm very happy with  myself that I've been able to stick to it like I have. Amazingly, I hardly think about it anymore, it just is my life now. I can't really imagine what I'd be like if I hadn't stopped using. I'm sure it wouldn't be good....

Yay for me! :)


July 13, 2012


...is histerical. Some poor woman accidentally attached a crazy picture of Nicholas Cage to an email she sent to a future employer, instead of her .zip file with her resume.... and of course it had to be about the funniest picture of the actor ever LOL. Oooops....




I've been saying since Australia that I've wanted a tattoo representing the time I spent there. Well, I have finally...finally...came to a decision on what I am going to get. I went through a lot of ideas, but really wanted it to be simple and small. For a while I was going to get a small southern cross, but I didn't think it was good enough. I want people to see it and know it's Australia.

So, my plan is to use the picture below and have "I" put above it and "Australia" put below it, in navy blue. I think it would be cute and awesome at the same time :D

Not sure if I'll get it in August or September but it will be within the next two months. There is a shop right next to where Rob works and they do amazing work, so I will definitely be letting them do it. It's going to be great :)


Hyped up...

On caffeine and starting the daunting task of going through all my files and folders of stuff and organizing it all.... yuck! It will take me weeks (or possibly much longer) but I just think of how nice it will be when everything is all organized.

51,458 files and 6,965 folders later... jeez it's going to take forever....

Yay for having a big hard drive though!! :D


Its actually raining!

July 12, 2012

Oh, creativity...

It's itching at me today. I have no idea why. I kept saying I was going to get server space through Yahoo to start a website again. I can't buy the space until next month but maybe I'll start making some graphics today or start compiling information for it. Would give me something to do and be creative at the same time!



July 11, 2012


song/video for the Games of the XXX Olympiad in London England:

(not sure it can be played on here, so here is the link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66molzUEkWI&feature=plcp  )

I wasn't sure I'd like it, but it sure is pretty cool when you watch the entire video, stirs up that emotional competitive excitement as it goes along. I think they did a great job on it. I can't wait to hear the rest of the official London 2012 soundtrack, which also features a song by Elton & Pnau. Should be good!

Just over 15 days until Opening Ceremonies!  :D


July 9, 2012


Had a really good lunch out today. Lovin the new Chinese place in town! All I can say is: FRUIIIIIIIIIIT!

Also got everything turned into the Medicaid office and they were impressed that I had everything so well documented and so well detailed. They said they weren't going to do an interview with me because I'd basically given them all the information. They are now reapplying me for Medicaid and if there are any issues they said they'd just give a call. Crossing my fingers it doesn't take  more than a few weeks.

Not much else going on, finding little things to keep me busy. I'm going to organize folders on this computer later, which I generally hate doing.... but it does need to be done. Hope everyone is having a good day.


July 8, 2012

Hey Tracey...

...I just found Bruce's next birthday present:



(really read further down, fucking dieing here lmao...)


Lovin the Spybot....

I noticed lately my browser was starting to go slower, and I just assumed it was all my internet's fault. This evening though, while doing housework, it occurred to me that I never got around to downloading Spybot Search & Destroy, like I had on my old computer.

So, I figured why not, it worked so well in Milwaukee. I downloaded it and let her rip.... 57 items later !!! and I got rid of everything that had accumulated since I got the computer.

Now........she's running like the Queen she is! All of a sudden it's going faster when I'm browsing online. Go figure.

While I was at it, I did a full on virus scan and I was very happy to see it found nothing at all :D I don't care what anyone says, AVG free does the job! Now I need to get around to organizing my folders, as they've gotten very untidy....arg! Hey at least my email is sorted lol. ;)


July 6, 2012

Going good

Things are going good here. After so much start and stop and procrastinating, the livingroom/kitchen/bathroom is clean...DONE! They look very nice :D

Not the best pic, but was trying out the "panoramic" mode on the little camera. It stitches three pics together for you. Next time I might use the tripod! But you get the idea.... It all looks really good :D

On FB yesturday I posted a couple pics of something my friend Rob helped me make. I saw ideas online for "headband holders" as I have a lot of them and they are everywhere. After learning how to make one, I then went to the store and bought fabric and ribbon I liked, as well as two small trinkets and also some feathers. I wanted to have a really nice one I could hang off the back of the bathroom door. Rob was a huge help, she basically put it together for me. She loves craft projects and had been bored so I asked her to make it if I got everything for it....she was happy to help.

We basically took a small roll of paper towel and hot glued the fabric to it. We threaded the ribbon through the center of the roll to help make it steady for hanging. Then tucked the fabric corners into the middle and added the trinkets. It is really just perfect. Soon will be painting the walls in the bathroom a light beige, and my towels are all brown and beige, so it will tie in really well.

This is how it turned out:

 It is SUPER handy for the headbands. Finally I have a place to put them all, where they stay and don't fall off! :D


Very Intense!

A very intense video, it really does apply to all sports but it makes me like.......wooooooot woman's sports! It really is about doing it NOW, not yesterday. Awesome!


Speaking of gymn... Just saw this routine from AUS's Lauren Mitchell.... massive score! I really hope she makes beam finals in London...I think she could win a medal, which would be a first for a female Aussie gymnast I believe. Go Lauren :D


July 4, 2012

Happy 4th!

Happy 4th Of July! I'm spending it at Rob's, we are havin brats on the grill....nom nom! Hope you all have a great day :)

July 3, 2012

Jammin out while...

...workin more on the bedroom. Definitely a two day task to organize it all. I am lovin' these Sennheiser HD 518 headphones with my Ipod. 

They really do sound amazing! Along with my Fifo amplifier, it sounds loud, bassy and perfect...

Just listened to an older favorite I haven't heard in ages...from TIMZ (an Iraiq-American who shows BOTH sides of opinion):

Lots of Elton on my playlist as well: FFAF, Cold As Christmas, I've seen that movie too, Recover your soul, Hey Ahab, Sugar on the floor, etc. Makes for good listening...and motivation!!

Should be on Yahoo chat later today...after 10am Tracey's time :)

Here's to a motivational day for everyone,

July 2, 2012

Kinda boring day

Not much going on today. Organizing the bedroom....whooohoo lol. I found the box under my bed that Tracey sent a while back, forgot all those piccys were in there! Now I need picture frames! Found some cool AUS postcards that were never sent, so I wanna put them up somewhere too.

My desk looks like a bomb hit it! Also have a bookshelf thingy I haven't really used yet, so I'm getting it together, wiped down and plotting what to put on it and where. It will help get things more organized for sure!

I printed a couple pics off on the printer to put in frames I do have, then when I go to have them actually printed proper I'll replace them in the frames. Have a nice picture frame with two pic slots that I put in a pic of Jess & I in front of Harry's pie place in Sydney and the other slot I put a pic of Jess, Tracey & I in. They look really good :D

Can't wait to get the Aussie nature prints done up, will look great on the walls.


Cute pic :P

Wish I could post a vid, but they are  being really strict about vids not getting on youtube. The girls came out just bawling their eyes out, they were just really happy :)

Intro they showed in the arena before the girls competed day 2:

July 1, 2012


The 2012 Olympic US Woman's Gymnastics Team:

L to R: Jordyn Wieber, Gabby Douglas, Aly Raisman, Kyla Ross & Mckayla Maroney

Well done girls!!! We are gonna ROCK the house in London!

Yes, I admit it....when they announced the team....they cried and so did I LOL. I always cry when others cry!!! And they were like....bawling their eyes out!! lmao


I'm so excited!!

I hope everyone does well!! No injuries!

I really hope Jordyn, Aly, Gabby, Kyla & Mckayla make it!!! Woot!!

MUST watch! It's on NBC tonight!

Three hours to go! Wooooooooooooot!


PS: Whoohoo! lol :D

Very cool video

They showed this right before the men walked out for day two of trials.... what a way to build it up!

Should Be A Good Day Today

Getting excited for Day Two of the gymnastics Olympic Trials and the naming of the team woohoo! Trying to get stuff done before then, as it isn't on until this evening. Housework, exercise, shower, print a few things off for my Medicaid application... then I'm in the clear lol.

Making a nice dinner tonight to eat while I yell and shout and cheer at my poor computer :P

Hope everyone is having a good day :)