April 24, 2014

Just Trying To Hang On And Get Through Each Day

Things are going okay today, med adjustments have helped. I had an appointment with both DK and my therapist yesterday. As usual I was nervous to go in, but I've been trying to put things in perspective and relax, the best I can anyhow. I always blow things up in my mind and think of the worst possible scenario and that's how I get so worked up. Still trying to get the deep breathing down, I'm terrible at it, but I'm trying very hard and that's what counts. 

I was supposed to see DK first, but I think he was still doing rounds at the hospital, so I saw my therapist first. I think it was a good thing, it gave me time to settle down. Sometimes the hardest part for me is to just walk in the door. She was really helpful, I am not a fan of individual therapy sessions yet it's easier to talk to Vicki than to a group. I can only handle trusting a couple people enough to really talk to, I can't just start talking about this stuff to random people. My trust issues are huge in that regard and always have been. I'm so used to saying nothing at all but I suffer so much because of it. It's like one version of suffering vs. another. I know therapy and talking honestly are good, but it's so hard it feels painful. Maybe it's because I've closed up for so long? 

Anyway, we talked a lot about my frustrations of not being able to do much of anything. Working out, eating healthy, my crazy mess of an apartment, going through mail, projects I start and don't finish.... She said I need to pick two important things to focus on. I picked my kitchen and exercise. She made a plan with me to start with just one thing. I picked the sink. She wants me to focus on that one thing with all my concentration instead of looking at all there is to do and getting overwhelmed. I haven't done it yet, but am going to do it today. Just one thing, just the sink. I did do weights when I got up this morning and went for an early morning walk, really happy with myself that I did that!

My visit with DK went really good. I think I now prefer to see him in the morning, he seemed in a much better mood. I've been using that Optimism app for over a month now, entering my mood, sleep, etc. It only takes about a minute to do, which is the only reason I do it every day. It's quick. It pops up a reminder every morning to put in how I was the day before. It can plot a graph showing your mood, etc. for the entire time you've used it, which can be printed. I printed it and took it with me. Both my therapist and DK found it interesting. They both want me to keep using it to see how things change as the meds are adjusted.

I made a list of the things I'm struggling the most with, because I always go in and then forget almost everything I want to say. It was so much easier to just hand it to him, like here ya go! ;)  Once my medical coverage is all straightened out he wants to put me on Strattera. He's wanted to for a while, but it's still under patent so without coverage it's insanely expensive. He increased my Gabapentin from 300mg twice a day to 400mg three times a day. He also added Ambien because I haven't had a real night sleep in some time now. We all agreed I need to get sound sleep, because that can affect everything. 

I got to the pharmacy with enough time to get all three doses of the Gabapentin in for the day. By the end of the day I was pretty loopy and happy :p Anxiety dropped down some too.

April 22, 2014

Wow, 920th Post On My Blog

Who knew? I just didn't realize....

Things are going okay, not great, but a little better than say, late February. I have no idea why, I just cannot shake this lingering depression going on right now. There is no outside reason for it, it just is. One day I wake up happier, the next I wake up cranky, the next I wake up in tears... It's just all so stupid.

I wish I had a doctor that was more receptive and that I felt comfortable telling my symptoms to. I did talk to the nurse late last week and she said she'd relay it on to DK for me. I told her I didn't even want to complain after what happened last time I complained, but she reminded me nothing gets fixed without saying something. She asked what days I'd be at group this week, so maybe they will squeeze me in. All I know is it's just all very crappy.

On top of that, I was dumb enough to set my big camera on the counter for a few seconds while I popped the batteries into the charger... Bronte got ahold of the strap and pulled it down. It landed LED screen first onto one of my ten pound weights. $700 DSLR camera with no screen....and out of warranty for two months (not sure it would have even covered dropping it). On the plus side, every single other thing on that camera is just fine. Including the regular viewfinder. It just sucks now that I'm going to have to bring the camera to eye level (and I wear glasses which makes it harder) to take a photo or check for errors on my shots. To get something low to the ground, I'll basically have to lay on the ground. Not happy at all about it. Definitely don't have the money to do anything about it. It's just my luck lately.

My sleeping is pretty shitty as well. I'm depending on OTC Unisom again just to sleep decent through the night, even though I wake up dragging ass for over two hours when I get up. I have so much to bitch about I don't even want to say anything about sleep right now to DK. I think my mood is really the bigger thing keeping me up anyhow.

So that's where I'm at atm, hope anyone reading is doing well.

April 14, 2014

Trying to get to sleep...

The weather is so friggin bipolar right now.... It was 80F warm and sunny yesterday. Right now it's 36F, windy, cold and snowing on and off. Fuck I want this winter shit over with. It's been a long bitter cold winter here and I'm craving warmth and sunlight. On a funny note...when it was 80 and sunny, I managed to get a sunburn lol...in friggin April! Need to invest in sunscreen in May for sure. 

The meds are going okay. The new one, Neurontin, has lifted my mood some and eased a bit of the physical symptoms but done nothing for impulse control at all. I've been a bit irritable but nothing terrible. When I feel it building up I try hard to use my soothing skills from group. Closing my eyes and counting back from twenty while deep breathing goes a long way. Trying to learn the whole "Teflon Mind" thing I'm learning from DBT. Just let the thoughts roll in, then slide back out and not stick. It's really hard to do, but I'm working on it.

Been assigned to carry a little notebook around to jot down anxious thoughts and things that irritate me. I don't normally go back and read them but when I did I thought...really? Look at all these things I worry about from minute to minute. It's ridiculous on paper, yet totally convincing in my mind in the moment. It's helping me see that I well...really do worry about everything. No wonder I get tired and depressed, ect. All that high anxiety and constant state of high alert when I leave the house...it literally wears me out. 

Hope everyone is doing okay 💜