November 30, 2014

Mood Tracker

I figured I'd put this up, after commenting to another blogger about mood trackers. I use Optimism, been using it on and off all year. I slack for a while, then start doing it every day for a month or two, etc. I like how it makes a graph that you can print out. I need to remember to keep doing this every day. This is a small example...
I'd like to try and use it long enough to really get a good look at my ups and downs. I find it really interesting.

November 29, 2014


I finally am at the dose I'm supposed to be on. We started me out small and worked up to 80mg. Yesterday was the first day on the full dose. I should look it up, but I've had a mild fever both yesterday then again today after taking it. I'm tired and want to take a nap, but I don't want to screw up my sleep schedule.
When I bumped up to 50mg i had the same side effects for less than a week, so I'm hoping the same happens this time. I'm focusing so much better, I have finished a lot of tasks this week :D

That Accent :D

I really love this...

November 20, 2014

Irritated As Fuck Right Now

I took a break from cleaning to go have a taco with a friend of mine and we ended up in a huge fight. I'm using my coping skills and blogging and then going right back to cleaning. This is just the sort of situation that I've talked over with my doc and old therapist and I'm using my plan to vent here and then have a great rest of my day.
It started because two of our friends work together and the guy flipped out on the girl and this friend is taking is side even though he acted like a five year old having a temper tantrum... While they were at work on Tuesday he started sneezing and immediately blamed the girl because she has a cat and he's allergic. He yelled at her, freaked out, broke the front door of the store and threw inventory around. The girl, having gone through extensive abuse in her past, got scared because of it. In the end it made her cry. I saw her the next day and she was still upset about it. Not angry, more like sad and worried upset.
I did say something to him when I went in there today, like hey you really scared her and it's not her fault you have an allergy. Me and my friend today that went to eat started talking about it and the next thing I knew we were yelling in the middle of the taco place. She defended him saying he has an undiagnosed mental illness which I do think is true. But. That doesn't give him the right to flip out and break other people's property while on the clock and yell at the other employee. That would be like me breaking peoples property and saying oh it's my mental illness. I'm sorry but his mental illness is not so bad that he isn't accountable for his reactions.
She then tried to do the victim blaming thing by saying that women in abusive relationships are responsible for the abuse they get because they push the guy.... I was like what the hell? Are you serious? She basically was saying it was her fault because she aggravates him so it was okay for him to flip out like that. I don't agree with that at all. I am kinda thinking that had I known she had these kind of views I wouldn't have had much to do with her. I took it as an insult. I was abused as a kid but it's not MY fault I was abused. It's not my Mom's fault she had the shit beat out of her by her boyfriend years ago either. She also said it's the chick's fault if she stays. So if the woman doesn't have the money to leave and doesn't have any family to take her in then she deserves to be beat up? WTF?
She also blamed my friend for having dyslexia and that her messing up paperwork once in a while because of it is the same as him breaking things at work because he might have a mental illness. To me it isn't the same at all. And why he even tells people things like that outside of work is beyond me. He shouldn't be telling others her issues with her dyslexia, it's none of their business. He just likes to complain. A lot.
I was going to go over and hang out with them tonight but you know, I don't think I'm going to. I don't want people in my life that think it's okay to abuse others or freak out on others and blame victims of abuse. To me that's fucked up. It's just not worth the stress and irritation.
So that is that. I'm off to do more housework.

Major Cleaning Day!

I made my list.... sucking down some coffee.... starting up some tunes.... and this shit is getting done. One of my major stressors right now is just how messy and crazy this place got while I wasn't doing well. I've tried as I've started feeling better to do some but the ADD thing really shits me. I keep getting distracted. I keep procrastinating. It keeps piling up.
This was a major part of my discussions with Doc G on Tuesday and he's trying to help me change the way I look at it. He thinks some of it is that I'm rebelling against myself. And have for years. When I was growing up my step mom at the time was really hard on me about my room being absolutely perfect. One big memory of that was when she woke me up after I left a shirt or something on the floor (the rest of the room was clean), I was really tired and it didn't make it into my laundry basket. She had me stand inches from the hallway wall for hours on a school night yelling and berating me for it. I was like ten at the time....
Doc thinks I'm still rebelling from it though now all it does is make me miserable. So we talked about changing it from I *have* to do I *want* to do it. Because I do hate it's a mess and it's a downer every time I walk in the door. It's caused more stress that I don't need and I want a zen space, a calm clean apartment that is happy.
So today, I'm doing the last of the kitchen and as much of the bedroom as I can get done today. Other than taking garbage out I'm staying here, not running away from it. Because I want it to look nice and be a happy place for me.
PS: I realized yesterday that Bronte Kitty is now 18 months old....crazy! Here is what she looked like when I adopted her and what she looks like now. She's grown into such a pretty lovey kitkit <3 p="">brontecompare

November 19, 2014

Sometimes people really annoy me...

I don't normally engage in debates with people online about mental illness, because it's not worth the annoyance. Today I did, because a commenter was going on and on about how pathetic overweight people are, even though the guy admitted to being overweight himself (bit ironic no?). I've been dealing with mental health for thirty years yet this guy thinks he knows all the answers. It's easy to tell the ones that haven't been through severe mental illness that has messed with their weight, because they talk like they don't have a clue. I used to be around fifty pounds heavier than I am now and it was almost completely from overeating due to depression. I really sympathize with those who have that same struggle.
My borderline side kinda enjoyed the debate, I must admit. All I can do is shake my head... I hope this guy never deals with the things I've had to deal with on a daily basis, I don't wish it on anyone. Ever.
Anyhow, this was part of our conversation....

I'm not very good at debating with people, I don't know if it's my ADD or what. I'm one of those who normally has to think on things a while before I respond to criticism. That being said, I think I held my own enough. The moral of this post, don't argue with people in comments sections, it's not worth the time. I just wish people would have as much sympathy for people with mental illness as they do people with things like cancer. Don't really think that will ever happen though.

November 14, 2014

Talk about a cute little guy!

I'm babysitting my neighbor's kitten this weekend. He's a tabby like my cat and too cute. He's soooooo lovely, he'll stretch out on his back and let you pet his belly :D

November 12, 2014

Finally back on Strattera

I didn't think it would be in until the end of the week but when I went to get my other meds it was already there. I'm thrilled!
Two months ago I was pulled off Strattera without my knowledge. I didn't find out until I went to the pharmacy to fill it. I'd just started seeing that really young/new doctor and he was convinced I was "fishing for stimulants" so he cancelled it without telling me. He seemed to have a bias against anyone who even smoked pot once in their lives. I even witnessed him yelling at a patient in the hospital because they were going through withdrawal (thankfully the nurses witnessed it to and filed a complaint). He acted like it hyped me up or something, but it sorta does the opposite. It slows my brain down so I can focus better.
This doctor I just started seeing didn't understand that at all. He said it isn't even a stimulant and if it was helping I should have stayed on it. He also wasn't impressed that he pulled it without telling me. It was helping a lot with my focus, completing tasks instead of just starting them, focusing on people talking to me, reading better, writing more often and with better hand writing, less rambling, less overeating... I could go on and on with how it helped.
He set it up where I'll take 25mg for ten days, then 50mg for ten days, then top off at 80mg/day as my regular dose. He asked it I'd had any side effects from it and the only one I noticed was that it stops my appetite. I'll set phone reminders like I did before so I eat enough each day.
Also I'm so thankful for insurance.... the Strattera was $696 for this month. I paid less than ten dollars. I really feel for those who don't have the means or insurance to be on it if they need it. It's so much better for ADD than stimulants.
Still so happy I switched to a more experienced doctor.


Sometimes I just want to shut my brain off!


Really don't want to go outside today but I have to. It would be better if I drove, but I walk. Going to freeze my tits off... :0
I won't be starting the Strattera for a couple of days yet, the pharmacy was out and had to order it. Today I'll get the other stuff filled though.
Going to drag myself out of the house and go chit chat with a friend of mine while she's at work. Might take that new Postsecret book with me and read some of it to her. I love those books!

November 11, 2014

It Went Good!

As usual I worry way more than I should and I think everything is worst case scenario... but everything went okay. I met my new doctor yesterday and I'm very relieved. He is really down to earth, funny and relaxed. Complete 180 from my last two doctors. He works a lot with personality disorders and understands drama can flare my symptoms and he said it won't happen here. He got to see some of my photography and thought it was good. He understood how much I like it and how important it is to me.
He said he was impressed with the insight I have into my own symptoms and he thought it was great I was seeing my psychologist. He got a lot of background history and family history and we talked about some of the things I'd like to accomplish. He agreed to help taper me off Gabapentin but first he put me back on Strattera. He didn't understand why I was pulled off it. He agreed it is NOT a stimulant like my old doctor said and actually has some anxiety fighting properties as well.
He didn't make a big deal of my issues and said he'd never criticize me for my choices. I like that attitude, it made me more comfortable. I didn't feel at all like I was being judged or treated differently because of my borderline. It really was a relief. I think finding a doctor out of town was a really good thing to do.
Been pretty busy lately shooting photos. A charity organization that helps me out is going to use a couple of my photos for their Thanksgiving cards. It goes out to 500 people and will have my photography site address with them. How neat! They also interviewed me for a story in their newsletter. I also got to dig around in their closet of donated items. I found a brand new wok!! Really nice one! Can't wait to use it :D
One of the photos they want to use:
And I finally saw the Packer game from last weekend. Whoooo did they stomp the Bears!! Watched it with Bronte, my tabby. She just loves to lay all over me, especially with it so cold out. It's going to be 15F tonight...yuck.
Now, my big project is working on Christmas cards. I am sending out 78 of them this year. I love doing it and I hate it at the same time ;)

November 9, 2014


I meet my new psychiatrist tomorrow. Getting a little nervous. After the last two doctors I've had, my psychologist says he understands I'm reserved about it. Many have told me this doctor is down to earth, funny, has experience with personality disorders, substance abuse, ect. I hope it's all true. I don't want another bad one.
Because I won't see either of the two in town here (see previous posts) I have to travel 40 miles to see a psychiatrist, I hope it's worth it. Out of town appointments are hard for me to get to.
I just need my life to be more positive in a lot of ways. The last few months have been too negative and stressful. Between two bad doctors, two inpatient stays, med issues, drug issues, a suicide attempt and coming off five medications at once... I need a break. I just need things to be calm for a while. My borderline is easier to handle when there is less stress. I just want a peaceful winter. And an active one. I tend to get more slow, depressed and agoraphobic in the winter. This winter I'm going to exercise through it and see if it helps. I also started the patch today in an effort to stop smoking.
Hoping to journal more as well. Also want to find more about that schema therapy. It sounds more my kind of therapy than DBT. We'll see....

November 7, 2014

Finally Trying To Sit And Write

I've been fairly busy lately. It's autumn which brings fall colors. Lots of photography. In less than a week I took 1200+ photos. I just love the way everything looks.
As I scroll through all my photos from fall (screenshot above) I'm really happy with how many nice photos I took. It's been tricky. My hands have been very shaky the last month and a half, probably from Gabapentin. So I've taken many missed/blurry shots... but enough nice ones to make up for it.
While that part of my creativity seems to be high, writing still is an issue. Ever since going off Strattera it's become a huge problem. I've written less than a page in my journal in almost two months. By contrast last summer I filled an entire new journal. It was very helpful therapy wise as I was using my journal to vent. Now I just stare at the blank page and write nothing. I hate it.
I see the new doctor out of town, next Monday. I'm not going to lie...I'm nervous. After all that's happened this year I feel almost doctor shy. Many people have told me the doctor I'm switching to is very good and also funny and down to earth. Sounds great, but I'll wait and see myself. It sure would be nice though. I've had my fill of bad docs for a while. I'm sure I'll write about it Monday arvo.
I'll try to do a catch up soon, have a lot of things going at once, which is keeping me busy. It's probably a good thing. I can feel that slow down fall causes me so I'm making every effort to keep moving.
Hope everyone is well.