February 28, 2015

So Far So Good

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It's been a full day since I started taking Navane to help with impulse control. I was very skeptical that anything would help with it as I just assumed it was a CBT only kind of thing. To my surprise, I think it's actually helping. I haven't picked at my fingers since yesterday mid day which itself is amazing. I can generally end up spending hours a day picking, sometimes not even realizing I'm doing it. It's helped with a couple other impulses as well. I'm finding I'm fast talking less and less hyper as well. This may turn out to be a great med to accompany the Strattera. Hopefully this keeps up.
We are getting ready to get more snow here. Ack, I'm SO ready for spring. Here's a shot I took the last time we got dumped on:
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I'm ready to photograph spring flowers and butterflies... I have plenty of snow shots ;)
-M

February 27, 2015

Things Are Going So So

Even though I didn't want to (and because it was 6F outside this morning...) I made myself get a walk in today. Even though it's cold it is very sunny out. I figured I could just walk up to the pharmacy and get the two scripts waiting for me. This way I'd have two things done in one shot. The walk was great. I think it's a little over a mile all up. I walked really fast so it ended up being great cardio. I threw in a couple short sprints as well. I'm going to do my calisthenics in a bit here, so then that is all done for the day.
I have a LOT I'd like to get done. Had a few really lazy slow days (pretty much all week). I don't know if it's a depression thing or what. I didn't leave the house most of the week and slept way too much. It can be really hard to force myself to get up or go outside, etc when I get like that. I guess today I at least won that fight. Now I just want to keep myself busy the rest of the day.
I hope my friends are doing good, I miss the ones I usually chat a lot with. They are going through some things with family right now and I wonder how they are coping with it all. Can't wait to catch up with them.
My doctor and I are testing out a med to see if it helps with impulse control at all. I've had a hell of a time with it. Everything else has been really positive with the Strattera but I noticed a big rise in issues with skin picking, binge eating and other impulse issues. He found it interesting the Strattera seems to be triggering it a bit, since it's not a stimulant the way Adderall and the rest are. The new med is an anti psychotic but has been shown to slow down impulsive issues for some people. Crossing my fingers it can at least ease it a bit. The appointment went really well. I'm still not used to seeing a doctor that is just relaxed and down to earth. No dramatics or anything! In a way, I'm glad the stuff with the two new doctors here in town happened. In the end I found a much better doctor. I only see him every six to eight weeks too and I really like that. So does my wallet ;)
Sorry this is pretty boring but I'm off to get a few things completed this afternoon.
-M

February 12, 2015

Bit of a difference...

I will be flying in both of these before the end of the year (assuming the smaller one is a Southwest 737). The Qantas A380 is a beast!
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I love to fly, although I hate the people. Thank fuck for anxiety meds! When I flew to Australia on a 747 last time, I picked a seat too far from the bathroom. There were just so many people...So I held it. For 14 hours. Seriously.  So, this time I'm booking a seat just a few rows from a loo.
Gotta love social anxiety *sigh*
-M

February 11, 2015

Scrapbooking Can Be Therapy...

I've been slowly taking the old scrapbook pages my Mom sent down and putting them in new books (they were water damaged at her place). I'm into my second book now, just getting done with high school stuff into my twenties. It's had me in various moods so I've had to take it slow. I stored everything in those scrapbooks... photos, poetry, ticket stubs, letters and cards, school stuff, etc. It hasn't been easy to go through. Now that I've learned so much about what I have it's hard to look back at times where I kept falling apart and didn't know why. Just yesterday I ran into a page that had something happy on one side (my wedding) and very down on the other side (one of my first true overdoses when suicidal that I honestly don't even remember). The contrasts can be as black and white as BPD or Bipolar mood swings. Which is exactly what I was going through but didn't yet know it.
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It's given me a LOT to bring up at Doc G's sessions. Every time I go in now, I already have things on my mind to bring up. I try to be careful though. If I feel reading the stuff I'm currently putting in the new books gets me too down I stop for a couple days. I didn't realize just how much of a roller coaster it would send me on. On the flip side it's answered some things for me as well. Seeing various old report cards from kindergarten to high school I'm now in complete agreement on my ADHD diagnosis.  If you took all the teacher comments and made a list, it would pretty closely mirror the DSM list. Sometimes it makes me angry, thinking why didn't anyone figure that out or that out... but I remind myself there is just so much more information out there now about it vs when I was in school. Teachers know more, everyone knows more. So do I.
All in all I'm enjoying going through all this old stuff. Brings back things I've forgotten both bad and really good too. I'm so glad I have these all back in my possession.
-M

My Old Nemesis...

If there is one symptom of mental illness that I've had the longest, even longer than social anxiety, it's definitely Dermatillomania. It's like my lifelong nemesis. I've had it since I was maybe four? That is what my Dad figures anyhow. Looking in old photos we even found a few with me doing it.
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(yes... that's me lol)
For those who don't know what it is, it is basically Skin Picking Disorder. Most people say it's on the OCD spectrum though some say it could also be an addictive disorder depending on why the person picks. Some pick at scabs or sores, some pick at callouses, some pick at cuticles, etc. For some it's a compulsive thing for others it's purely impulsive. Sometimes I wonder if it can be both for one person.
Up until a few years ago I didn't know much about it other than I couldn't stop picking at my fingers. As long as I remember I've done it. It follows no thought pattern or specific emotion or fear, it just is. I can be happy, bored, watching a movie, depressed, anxious or just fine. I have yet to find any kind of trigger at all. I could be walking down the street doing it and not even realize it. Accompanying this at times I also bite my fingers or nails. I think that one has a name too, Dermatophagia (Never knew these things had names until within the last couple years...).
To me it feels like it follows the same line as my impulse issues with drugs, alcohol, spending money, binge eating, etc. I'm still trying to learn more about it. My psychologist and I discussed this yesterday and he thinks even the cutting for me is very impulse. Pretty sure he's right actually. He said he has read recently that disorders like skin picking and hair pulling can have the same kind of rush and pleasure response in the brain that drug addicts and alcoholics get when they binge. I found that very interesting indeed.
Learn something new every day hey?
This is something I want to discuss with my psychiatrist on Monday when I see him. Just to have a discussion. I've noticed a lot of talk around the internet about some doctors trying opioid receptor antagonists and there has been at least one study on it, but there needs to be more. I just want to kind of walk through it with my doc and see if there is anything we can do on his end. I'll obviously keep working on CBT with it as well. And when it's bad enough, which it has been recently, I wear some cute little stretchy winter gloves to deter me from doing it. Which works...but is really fucking annoying for any other kind of functioning with my hands. \
Curious to see what kind of discussion goes on Monday. At least I have a psychiatrist now that isn't phased by his patient asking questions and wanting to learn more about what they have :D
-M

February 8, 2015

Been A Bit!

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been able to get a lot of stuff done lately, but I haven't done much for blogging or writing.
I went out to the park because it was nice today even though there is still snow on the ground. It was weird. The air temp was almost 60F and there was a good five to eight inches still on the ground in areas. Made for a nice little writing spot. Had to wipe down park of the picnic table to sit, the snow was SO sloppy wet because it all was melting.
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