March 26, 2016


Almost April here. The trees have started to bud a few weeks early. We had a hard freeze :( Some of the flowers look like they have been burnt on the edges, where the frost got to them. Really sucks! I managed to get a few pretty shots before the freeze, so at least I have a few.
Spent yesterday rearranging my apartment. I brought the desk and computer out into the living room and moved the elliptical to the bedroom. So far I like it. Makes my tiny apartment look just a *tiny* bit more open. It is also easier when people are over. And I can have the tv on while on the computer.
My SNAP is finally fixed. After all the hoopla and stuff to send in, it stayed exactly the same, which is fine by me. I checked last night and there was $16 on it. And my neighbor! He gave me $9 out of the blue for food! I was very grateful and thanked him numerous times.
This morning I walked to Hyvee with another neighbor. It was a nice walk and a mild morning. I got all I could out of the $26 I had for food. Meat, salad, frozen veggies, apples, almond milk and even enough left for some much needed Tylenol.
So stoked to have food in this place!

March 12, 2016

Crappy Day Yesterday

The short story of yesterday is that I went to a friend's house. I smoked a bit. It was some super crazy stuff because instead of relaxing I was the most paranoid person ever. I also had no concentration left and I couldn't do a anything very productive. In the end I had many brain farts and it was embarrassing.  With my BPD (which loves to find reasons to hate me) I felt worse and worse and practically locked myself into my apartment when I got home and hid. My brain wouldn't stop, it kept going over everything for hours making me feel worse and worse. I finally took an extra Prozac and a Buspar and went to bed at like 6pm sobbing. Slept on and off until around 11am this morning and was better for it.
It was a mini version of what my emotions used to be like all the time. I'm actually really proud today, I didn't do anything dumb. I didn't go out and use a bunch of drugs or drink until I blacked out. I didn't eat the fridge out of food either. And best of all, I didn't do any self harm. I'm proud because I wanted to but I didn't. I think I took the best action I could under the circumstances.
It shows me that even though it's more under control and have many more coping skills that it can still slip up on me. It still can be horrible and give me a hard time. That it won't just go away.

March 11, 2016


Better today. I slept a long time but woke up okay. Slowly getting myself moving. Coming home, taking a Prozac and a couple Busbar, resting... It slowed me down in a hurry. That might be the go to for these kind of Borderline anger episodes. I forgot how emotional I can get quickly. At least it shows I have learned a lot and can slow it down so I don't get impulsive or out of control. That's a good step forward. I think hormones got in the way a bit as well. All in all, I came out of it okay :D -M