April 28, 2016

Reminiscing On Difficult Times

I usually see my psychologist every two weeks but he called the other day and wanted me to come in this week as well. I didn't have a problem with that. With my mood being so much lower it was a good plan.
We got to talking about controlling our reactions to negative situations. I have come a long way in that department. He has seen me for the last four and a half years and he didn't really get to see me be the true borderline bitch I can be lol. I laugh now but I was absolutely terrible. I didn't see it then. I didn't take any responsibility for anything and blamed everyone else. I got into rages and arguments quite often. I took everything personally.
It's weird how you can go most of your life just not seeing it. I went through DBT twice and a partial program at my local hospital and couldn't figure out why everyone was saying I had this BPD thing....
I'm not sure when it finally kicked in. Really only in the last year. I've had to push away from a lot of people, because people are what rile me up fast. It finally dawned on me that this was my trigger. Other people's emotions and reactions.
It's been a bit of an epiphany. By taking so much of the drama out of my life, it has become calmer. Yeah I still have loads of problems with anxiety and switches in my mood that last a few months, but the total chaos wasn't there as often. I hang around a couple friends, I am not totally isolated, I just had to pull back.
He asked for some examples. Heh, didn't take me long to start remembering times I was a real asshole and overreacted or blew up. I told him about how destructive I was for a few years too as a teenager. That kinda blew his mind because I'm so different from that now. I did the pyromaniac thing for a while, I broke people's things, I got into a few fights, I got arrested once (so happy it was when I was 14 and not when I was older), I fought with my father all the time, me doing almost all the yelling and being all dramatic...
I truly think BPD helped destroy my marriage. I'm happy now that I'm divorced, he's a gun toting raging republican, which we would totally have clashed on eventually as I'm very progressive...but that's a different story to tell... He had to deal with all the BPD stuff, and I always flew off the handle about dumb things, or got into arguments about dumb things or just did dumb things.
I have so much to work on but for once I'm actually proud of myself. I have come a long way. There are times when something irritates me or angers me and I can feel it. I can physically feel it build up, like a flame flowing up my body. What has changed is that I know what that is now and I know what it leads too and I know how to push back. I can push it back down, I can breathe deep and remind myself that I alone am in control if how I react to a situation. I may not be good at doing that with anxiety, but I've made strides in doing it with my anger.
Basically I can stop and think a minute, rationalize and I realize it's not something to react to. I don't have to react to everything and I don't have to take on other people's emotions. It's not perfect and I think I will always be fighting it... but I'm winning that fight. By doing this, I'm learning to take responsibility for my mistakes or wrong doings instead of coming up with excuses or blaming others or starting a fight that goes nowhere.
I'm learning :) It has taken five years to get to this point in therapy. It takes a long time. I'm sure I'll be in therapy for years to come yet. It is a very slow process, you have to work really hard and take honest looks at yourself...but it can get better than it is. I'm so happy I have stuck with the hard work. It is an accomplishment.

April 27, 2016

Stormy Day

DSCF3475 DSCF3479
I love storms. They are one of the few things that don't really freak me out. I think it's because as a kid, Mom and I did a LOT of storm chasing. We both love nature and weather and it was something she passed on to me. If I drove and all that, I'd probably chase storms myself. The photography would be amazing.
We've been in a tornado watch since early afternoon. There has been at least four tornado warnings and dozens of severe thunderstorm warnings in my area. Busy day for the weather people at NWS I'm sure.
These pics was a storm that just missed us, then went on to try dropping a tornado two counties north of us. It was neat watching it build higher and higher.

April 26, 2016

Relationships Are Difficult...

So, I met this guy the other day... He's really nice. He's very tall. He has some scars on his face from an accident he was in when he was younger. He's very down to earth, etc. I kept running into him at the smoke shop. We got to chatting and I realized he was kind of hitting on me. I was actually a bit happy about that! I had to laugh because it's been a long time since I was hit on that it took me a minute to realize...
Relationships are extremely over complicated for me. First there is the social anxiety disorder which fucks a LOT of things up. Because of it I'm not always the best socially, especially with new people. Then there is the bipolar and the borderline. So much in my head all the time. And my memory issues, and my OCD, and the fact I've pushed away from people so much, things feel awkward for me, etc. It just really complicates things. I worry about so much anyhow, now I'll have a whole new set of worries.
As much as I like to hide out in the house, I admit I do get lonely. Having another friend
He isn't looking for a relationship necessarily and honestly I'm not either. It would be nice to have a guy friend though. Just someone to talk with and go do whatever with. Could be really good for me. He went through my good friend, to ask if he could have my number. I said that was fine. We'll see how it goes!
To be continued...

OCD Worry

This accurately describes my OCD. I'm an obsessive worrier. It's pretty close to all the time. I worry about so many things I can't keep track of them all. And they repeat over and over. There could be a 0% chance of something bad happening but I'm still convinced it could or will happen. I obsess over the worries and they just go round and round in my head.
I let them control me so much, it is debilitating at times. Sometimes I don't know if it's the social anxiety or the OCD that keeps me in my apartment.  I get too worried about bad things happening if I leave the apartment, so I stay home.

April 25, 2016

Pushing Back

(My Bronte...she always provides laughs when I need it and snuggles when I'm not doing well)
Things are going okay. I try to compare more day to day and less 'oh I should be this happy and I'm not'. The depression is still there all the time but I think I'm coping with it fairly well. I've made myself get out of bed in the mornings, I've done some house work each day, etc. Some days I get out of the house and some days I can't, but that's okay. I'm trying not to push too hard. When I do get out, sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's great.
I made the mistake of going outside last Saturday only to discover drunk college kids running all over my side of town. Apparently all the local bars got together and decided to do a 'mini putt' game where each bar you go shot for shot (hit the ball then take a shot). That was a great idea... They were everywhere and very trashed and loud and swearing and fighting, etc. I went out for what I needed and came right back inside. Fuck that. It's hard enough with social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia, I don't need drunk kids making it worse.
Yesterday I got out of the house and ended up having a good afternoon. I sat in my friend's back yard, got a little sun (and vitamin D), listened to the birds and the breeze. Had some mild people interaction. It was good. I enjoy nature so much, I wish I could be out in it every day. It seems to help my mood a bit.
Today I'm cooking up a lot of chicken in the slow cooker for meals. Then I'll make up meals for the next two weeks and freeze. The healthier I eat, I get that little extra boost from being so depressed. Exercise is the same and I've slacked at it. A big fear I have is gaining back the 50 pounds I worked so hard to take off a couple years ago. It's easy enough to do... Get depressed, stop exercising, eat junk, etc. Takes a lot more work to keep it off. My weight has went up maybe six, seven pounds since the start of winter. Just enough to start telling myself I must, must try to work out.
So I have a few goals to work on with my physical health, which in turn also helps my mental health. I just have to actually do it. Motivation is very fleeting these days so I have to fight myself at every turn. It can get pretty tiring but I have to keep fighting it anyhow. The struggle is definitely real.

April 23, 2016

Trapped By Anxiety

I had an annoying thing happen yesterday. I went down to have morning coffee with my friend while she was working. She normally only works three days a week but works seven days straight this week. It's been nice to visit with her every morning. Yesterday my anxiety was playing up something fierce. My depression was as well. I ended up sleeping a lot the day before, then slept all night, then didn't get up until after 11am. I had debated whether it was worth leaving the house or not. I could feel the anxiety just thinking about leaving.
In the end, I did leave the house. I took the back way, through the alleys, to avoid people, but I got there. It was a good visit and was all good until I wanted to leave. Then it was a problem. I couldn't leave. I was stuck there... It was a nice warm day and sunny and everyone was out. That was the problem. Even though it was only a few blocks back to my place, I didn't want to walk it. I felt like the whole world would see me.
So I stayed until she closed. She didn't mind, she said it made her day go faster having someone to gab with. But I was getting kinda bored and craving being in my apartment again, but no matter how much I tried to convince myself, I just couldn't do it. I felt so trapped. I figured if I waited until close, she'd drop me off on her way home, which she did. It was a huge relief when I got back in the apartment. I just hate the fact that I wanted to walk home and couldn't get myself to do it. It's so frustrating :(

April 18, 2016

Saw My Doc

It was good to see my psychologist, Doc G. today. It's always good to see him but after the two weeks I've had I was glad to see him even more.  Between depression bad enough to self harm and anxiety bad enough to keep me in five out of seven days, yeah....
I talked a LOT about my ocd anxiety. I just can't leave the house without being hyper vigilant of anything and everything that can go wrong. I walk around on my own like my head is on a swivel, listening for any sight or sound of trouble. I think non stop of getting back to my safe place (my apartment) whenever I'm not there. I avoid situations and make up excuses not to leave. I even pretend I'm not home if someone knocks on my apartment door, even if it's someone I know.
We also talked about my depression. About how it seems to be certain times of year, winter, late spring and late autumn, that do me in. Early spring and summer seem to be better for me. We have had a LOT of cloudy days here lately and we are hoping it is the reason for my depression. I'm whipping out the sun lamp and charging it up today to see if that will help, along with not letting myself sleep more than at night and making sure I get exercise.
I don't want to go into a lot of specifics of what I said and what he said, just that it was a very productive session. We compared with my history growing up and with my mother's issues as well. We tried to look at all angles on both issues. It seemed to help a little.

Rolling Hills

I took this a few days ago, when I went for a little road trip with a friend. I don't drive, so I don't get out of town often. I love the rolling hills in our part of Missouri. The landscape is quite pretty. Not a bad shot from a moving vehicle!

Well, At Least I Stayed Up All Day

My mood is still down, I'm functioning though. I really really wanted to sleep the day away. I woke up at 4am after going to bed at midnight, but I slept so much yesterday that my sleep was all messed up. I'm trying to reset it, by staying up all day today and going to bed around 9-10pm tonight.
My friend that usually only works a few days a week, works all week this time. So, that gives me extra motivation to get up at 7:30am all week. I can go have coffee with her while she works. It gets me out of the house, even if it's just for a little while. The interaction with other humans is good, even if I'm not in the mood to be out of the house.
I forced myself to do housework today. I really did NOT want to. I had no motivation for it. I drank a bunch of coffee to try to help (though caffeine doesn't affect me as much as other people), at least it tasted good! I love coffee...
I managed to vacuum, dust, do dishes, change the bed and put some things away. That was really good figuring I just wanted to say fuck it and go to bed. I'm proud of myself for getting stuff done. As extra motivation, I have a caseworker coming tomorrow. I HATE when people come in my apartment. By doing the housework today, I've saved myself from panicking tonight or in the morning trying to get it done.
I did write in my journal a lot today. I see my psychologist, Doc G, on Thursday. I try to think ahead to what I need to talk about with him, so I don't go in there unprepared. I have a lot to bring up this time. It's the first time my mood has been heading downwards in over a year. My anxiety has been worse as well and I've been in the house a lot more recently. My sleep is messed up and I am having a very hard time trying to exercise. The motivation just isn't there like it was before. Hey, at least the apartment is clean though.
I've been trying pretty hard to be normal and laugh and joke around and I'm doing that. I've even had a few good belly laughs lately. But when I'm alone, it creeps back up on me. I don't like it. I don't like that dark depression shit. I start thinking of everything so negative and unfortunately last week I self harmed, which I haven't done in over a year also. It's amazing how you can have so much knowledge about mental health and what you have...yet you still cave. It still gets to you. It's like having an invisible stalker...
But, chin up, tomorrow is a new day. Just trying to make it through each day, trying not to project ahead too much.
<3 p="">-M

April 17, 2016


I'm frustrated tonight. This weekend is a big weekend for phone banking for Bernie Sanders, they've made a thing of it. As of tonight, supporters have made 50,000 calls today in the state of NY before the upcoming election on April 19th, to get the word out to registered Democrats. I want so bad to be a part of this. I have time on my hands this weekend and an unlimited phone plan but I can't phonebank. My social anxiety disorder, which I've had most of my life (I'm 37) extends to the phone, not just in person. So, I can't do that sort of thing. Plus I'm a crappy debater/explainer in person. My ADHD and memory/retrieval complicates my ability to stay focused enough/remember what i know, in vocal conversation to respond quickly and remember talking points. It sucks. When I need it I can't do it. I end up forgetting things and getting to anxious/distracted and jumbled in my thoughts and words.
I hate my limitations. I hate them SO much I want to scream. It stops me from so many things, not just this. But this, I believe in this. I believe in the progressive view of this candidate. They are views I already held, I just now have a candidate who says them and believes in them. But I feel I can't help.  I feel like my hands are tied. I have donated to his campaign many times since last summer but I wish I could do more.
I'm really feeling my mental illnesses and their complications and limitations right now. I know it's like bottoming out and groveling but damnit I hate it so much! For the millionth time I can't do what I want to do and it makes me want to scream. We need to work harder as a society and in science to find ways to overcome these kinds of obstacles for people. There just has to be more out there, ways for people like me to still make a difference, even with disabilities like mine. In 2016 we need to figure out more. We need to advance life for people like me damnit. We should be able to live life to the fullest too, including ways to help in politics!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....I hate mental illness!!

April 16, 2016

I try to never judge...

...because people judge me all the time.
Having mental illness. Being on disability. Not working. Taking seven medications a day. My avoidance of parties and bars. Taking Medicaid funded transportation.
These are some of the things I am judged for. Without even knowing my situation as a whole, people judge me all the time for it. I hate it, but there isn't that much I can do about it. I used to try to explain it all and it would stress me out. Then again it stresses me out when I don't explain too. People just don't understand unless they have been through it themselves. Just because you can't *see* it, doesn't mean there is nothing wrong. There can be  LOT wrong.
It just makes having mental illness harder than it already is. Like you have to prove to people that you are in fact, not able to hold down a job. In my experience, employers don't want to work around a mental illness. At all. That, isn't my fault. If there is a steady job that I can live off of, that can work around my different illnesses, I have yet to find it. And I've been looking for over twenty years now.
It's just easier all around, not to judge and automatically assume someone is like, leeching off the system, just because they are okay physically. Until you have walked a mile in their shoes, you really have no idea.
<3 p="">-M

April 14, 2016

Today Was Okay

I was productive today overall. I did some dishes and dusted the living room. It was nice to get a little bit done. I really want to keep the place up. It's good for me. Even if I'm down, I still have to keep it my zen den. When I get so down and I let it all go for a while it turns to chaos and that furthers my depression and anxiety. I think I've kept it pretty nice for a couple months now with is really fantastic for me. It's nice to not be freaking out because someone wants to come over and my place looks like a tornado hit it. Then I lose it and am racing around trying to do twenty things at once all in a rush and it's so stressful! This is much easier.
I still have stuff I want to do. I want to organize the whole kitchen and wipe everything down. Then I want to clean the floors really good and also vacuum behind stuff around here, pull out the couch, tv ect. and get into the corners. Just give the place a really good cleaning. It keeps me busy and keeps the place nice. Even though the apartments were rehabbed like ten years ago into really cute little single apartments, the building itself is from the 1880's or so. We have drop down ceilings but there is at least a good four feet above them before the real ceiling. The dust drives me nuts! Add Bronte kitty's hair on top of that and it keeps me busy...
I spent a lot of time outside today doing photography. Practiced a lot of up close macro shots and general pretty nature shots. I'll post one or two in the morning. Right now I'm just ecstatic...my nephew was born about two hours ago! He was 7lbs 11oz and 21 inches long. He and mom are doing great and by the look of the first pic, my brother is super excited. His first child. A beautiful son! <3 p="">Sometimes, even when the depression hits, there are still peeks of light that get through, today was definitely one of those days. It makes it a little easier to handle.
Also, I didn't watch the debate tonight, but I hear Bernie did good. That is fantastic. I really like his position on many issues and it's nice to see someone who has fought for humans for decades, do this well. Love and hope is good.
PS: My pale butt got sunburned outside today and it was only 72F! Typical! ;)

What Is It With Intersections?

What is it with Social Anxiety Disorder and intersections? I always thought it was just me, but then I saw this cartoon, I think on Instagram. I was like.....THAT!! It's SO me! Any time there is a busy intersection to cross, I find another way. I walk a little ways down the block and cross the street. I've been doing it for years when I walk by myself but I have never had an actual reason why. Is it I don't want people looking at me? Is it that I'm afraid I'll make a mistake when trying to cross? I'm just not sure. I've tried to tackle it before but with very little success. It's annoying as...


I made myself get up early this morning. Springtime is so pretty and I don't want regrets that I wasn't out shooting pictures. It was nice to get into photography mode and out of  my head for a little while. The photos turned out really nice. I love spring blossoms!
My mood is still low, though not as bad. I'm fighting it by making myself do things and get out of the house. I had a great time visiting with friends yesterday and I think I just needed to be around them. It was nice out yesterday as well and very sunny...was soaking up the Vitamin D.
I also received fantastic news last night. My brother's fiancee is being induced this morning. I hope it all goes well. I will be a first time Aunt at 37! It's so worth the wait though! I'm excited for them :D
So hear is to continuing to fight the darkness of depression and enjoying the little (and big) things each day. One day at a time. <3 p="">-M

April 12, 2016

Another Day

Today has been pretty good. I visited a friend of mine at her work for a couple hours and had coffee. Then I came home, did some cooking for meals this next week, cleaned up a bit around the place, painted my toe nails...
It can get pretty damned boring not working. I wish I could work. I wish I could have a somewhat normal life too. I wish I could drive myself where I needed to go and didn't have constant doctor appointments, caseworker appointments... I wish I didn't have to take twelve pills a day to keep me stable. Sometimes I think about it too much and I either get mad, really down, irritated or just kind of in between. I think today I'm in between. Somewhere between it's a good day and my life has no purpose. If that makes sense.
I'm hoping it's  just a today thing and not the start of a downward thing. I've done good for so long, I don't want it getting bad on me. I think I'm just thinking too much really. But I always have to keep an eye on it.

April 11, 2016

Tackling The Computer Today

I am a major procrastinator. I kind of let some stuff go until there is SO much to do that it sucks to have to get it done. Today is one of those days.
My computer's hard drive is a little over 900GB and I'm using close to 640GB of it. I would like to clear a little space on it and organize things as well. It's going to take a long time, probably at least a few good days if I can keep on task. I loathe doing boring stuff like this. It needs to be done though. It will be much easier to find stuff.
I tend to hoard stuff on the computer. Images mostly but also videos and music. I bet I have doubles in the music, vids I don't need and photos... doubles, missed shots, stuff that isn't relevant any more, stuff from years ago, etc. So, it's time to clean it up. I have a good set of music going off Youtube and a big cup of coffee here with me and I will see how much I can get done today. If I can get through 1000 emails in my inbox, I can do this too!
Update (10pm):  I managed to get 30GB of stuff off the computer I didn't need. Still have a lot to organize and go through, I'll be working on it more tomorrow!

April 10, 2016

Good Day Today

Wasn't a lazy Sunday in my place today. I cooked, I cleaned, I worked out, I journaled, I sorted through my massive amount of emails, I vacuumed, etc. For me it is fantastic! Motivation is a fleeting thing in my world so when I have it, I have to roll with it.
Now I'm joining some friends from overseas on video chat which I always enjoy :D
Today is the fourth day in a row I've worked out. I need it! I'm sitting a little over 130 which isn't too bad figuring I've been eating crap and being lazy. It's 12 pounds heavier than I was last year at this time though. So I have a lot to do. At least it's still around 50 pounds below where I came from in 2012 though! If I can get on the elliptical every day and do my weights or calisthenics, then I've made progress :D I am going to try really hard to keep it up.
Still loving the new arrangement with the desk out in the living room. It's so entertaining. I put music on or movies while doing other stuff. I can hear the door better now too, who knew my neighbors had been trying to get a hold of me lol. Plus I can watch whatever while doing all my weights, etc. It's good!
Been stable with my mood now for over a year which I think is some kind of personal record. I have ups and downs but they are milder. Like I'll lay around and sleep more for a week or two but it's not where I completely disappear for weeks on end. The ups aren't as severe either. It's good. I don't miss all the drama and severe highs and lows I was fighting in 2014, that's for sure!