June 29, 2016

Finally Seeing My Doc Tomorrow

I forget the word, they say it when professors take time off, but it's what my doctor did for almost two months. Sabbatical? Maybe that's it. Anyways he's back now. It's been a long time, I think three months total since I've seen him. He's my psychiatrist and does my meds.
We are going to have a serious conversation about my anxiety. He has me on Busbar which is doing nothing for me. I have a lot coming up... photographing my best friend's family when they come to town, the county fair coming up I want to actually be able to go to without throwing up.. Going to a Royals game soon (we get tickets for donating blood, which I do on the 5th!), going to KC to see the gymnastics tour after the Olympics, traveling by air to see my Dad for his birthday, etc... I'm having a hard time just leaving the house so I need help if I'm going to do all this stuff.
I normally say no to benzo's because my brain loves them but I'm going to ask for a low dose of Xanax, five pills a week, and having it where I can only fill a one week script at a time. That way I don't fuck it up. Benzos are the only thing that has pushed down my anxiety where I can be around a lot of people. But they can be addictive. Very addictive. I think only having five low dose pill a week, I can't get in too much trouble with that. So I'll see how it goes.
Wish me luck!!

June 26, 2016

I was feeling very pink today...

So I changed the blog theme and colors a bit. Really girly I know but I still think it's pretty :p

Lunch Was Gooood!

This is one of my frozen meals. I do up two weeks worth of meals at a time and freeze them. Today it's Atlantic Cod with veggies and beans. It's sooooooooooooooo good. *drools* Who says eating healthy has to be boring, it doesn't have to be. I love eating Paleo. :D

Day Two Of Nationals Tonight :D

Excited for day two of the US Gymnastics National Championships :D Want to see how my girls do. I entered a fantasy league a couple weeks ago and picked my gymnasts. We had to have it in by the 18th. Not sure how well I'll do but I tried my best on picking for a team, not just AA. I put one in that is good at bars and one that is good on vault that I think could contribute to the team, our beam and floor is good with the top three. I was able to pick an alternate as well. My choice was a girl with less experience who just became a senior but seems solid on all four events. We have our six gymnasts and earn points on how they do at Nationals, Trials and the Olympics. Should be interesting! Go girls!

Here is my six:
And here are the faces to go with the names...

Simone Biles

 Gabby Douglas

Aly Raisman

MyKayla Skinner
Ashton Locklear
Lauren Hernandez

I think it's a great mix of younger and older, different heritages, etc. Very American!

I hope all the girls do well, you really get to see how great their routines are. Go girls!


June 20, 2016

Reading, Reading And Reading...

I haven't been on the computer as much this last week or so. I've been sucked into reading again...
I go through cycles where I read a lot and then don't read much. Lately with it so hot outside and my med induced intolerance for the heat, I've had to come up with more things to do inside. Naturally, reading came up quickly. I like a lot of authors but of course SK is my favorite. I have maybe 10 to 15 of his books here (had many more before the fire five years ago). Those I've read many times over. The library has about 35 of his books at least.
So I am going to go through my own summer reading program. The SK Summer Reading Program lol. I'm going to read everything of his at the library :D I should be able to do it, I read one of his novels in a couple days. I think it will be fun to read everything again, many I haven't read in over a decade or more. Fun stuff :D

June 17, 2016


I'm like half awake right now. I was napping when the landlord called about going to the pantry for food. So I got up and ran through the house getting ready. Jeans, a top, shoes, a hat, keys, bags, ID... I managed to get all I needed while half asleep. I reluctantly grabbed a mountain dew from downstairs, just to get some caffeine in me.
So now I wait. It's busy, the waiting room is very full...so I'm blogging so I don't have to see the people. Helps some. Just wish they'd get them through faster. I hate strangers! Especially in a tiny closed up waiting room. I wish I wasn't so anxious :(
My good friend of mine, rp, went skydiving today. So jealous! I wanted to go and watch her jump, but I felt like crap. The heat has been pretty high lately and has been worse with my meds. So I think I need to stay inside from like 11-4 or something. At least when it's the hotter part of the day. It sucks, but it is the way it is.
Yay, I'm next! Want out of this room!

June 14, 2016

So I was going down to get the booze for my bloody marys when...

I ran into him. The guy who has a total crush on me.

I've told him so many times I'm not dating right now. Yet he still crushes on me. He has scars on his face from an accident years ago, etc. but I don't care about that. He IS very nice. I'm just not looking right now.

The main reason I'm not looking right now, is because of my meds. I'm on seven different psych meds right now and they have taken away my sex drive, completely. It's all gone. I couldn't have an orgasm if I tried for days. (I know it's a lot to say, but that's what happens on certain medications).

I feel bad in a way. He is very nice. He IS very different than me, he's a country boy, a bit racist, listens only to country etc. But he's kind, affectionate and thinks of others before himself.

Last weekend when I ran into him, he actually kissed me. I didn't hate it. It actually felt amazing. Yet I know, physically, I can't get far. Which sucks. He doesn't want a relationship and I don't either. Yet there is an attraction there, meds or not.

So it's frustrating. I might get a bit turned on by him but that's all that will happen. It makes me want to throw shit at the wall. Seriously. The same meds that are saving me from suicide are killing any chance at a sex life. It's so unfair. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


Having a fun night!

It may sound really drab, drinking alone. But for me, the social phobic, it can be great fun, as tonight is.
I'm drinking bloody marys, listening to a live concert of Elton John (and singing to it, run neighbors run...) and working on my town in Sims 3.
Pretty boring to most people.
But I'm in my element. I'm drinking and singing along to an Elton concert from 2013. 32 live songs of Elton, because that's the kind of show he puts on. Two and a half hours! Always worth the money.
So I'm singing and happy and not thinking of anything negative tonight, just enjoying things :D

My Girls Did Good!

All three of my girls did good at the Classic, which is the precursor to the National Championships coming up in nine days. They may have had an issue or three, but they still put on a strong showing. It's early days, days when mistakes can be made but getting back up and finishing strong is a reward. It proves to Martha that they won't self destruct from an error, which does happen, because they are only human. A true champion gets back up and fights until the end. Can't expect them to peak this early or they'll have nothing left by the Olympics in August.

I get so excited in Olympic years. This year is no different. The competition to who will make our Olympic Gymnastic Team will be fierce! Can't wait to watch it all :D



I don't understand.
I don't understand how someone could take innocent lives.
I don't understand things like racism and homophobia.
I just dont. Understand.

I was raised to treat everyone as equal. I was taught that people are who they are but not what they are. No matter race, religion, sexual orientation, creed or nationality. That it is about the person and how they act and treat others. My parents were very good that way. They did many things wrong, but that they did right. I'm so proud of that.

I don't look at someone and think, 'are they gay' or 'are they poor' or whatever. I've never cared. Those things just don't matter. What matters are things like morality, how you help others, your attitude and respect for other human beings.

So, I'm never going to understand how a person can go into a club and kill 49 people and injure over 50; just like I don't understand Sandy Hook, I don't understand the war in Iraq, Columbine, the Aurora theater... I honestly think, what the fuck? Why? I have been suicidal many times in my life, but never, ever, have I thought of harming someone else. We are all just humans trying to survive the struggles of life. We really aren't that different from one another. No one's views matter more than others and I really don't give a shit how much money anyone has.

I just don't understand it.

I'm not religious so I don't pray, but I'm thinking about the over 99 people that were either injured or killed, their families, their friends. It's so unfair and so unnecessary.

I wish we had more peace in the world, and so much less violence.

With love,

June 12, 2016


I started eating paleo again and so far I can feel a big difference. I have more energy and I'm not weighed down by unhealthy foods. My ADD symptoms are less and I tend to have less depression when I eat this way and exercise. My body and brain loves it, I just had to get back into that habit again.
I did a lot of meal prep the other day to get me started. I made a huge veggie stirfry and cooked up chicken strips, lean little steaks and turkey burgers. Yummy stuff! I like having meals prepared ahead of time, no excuses that way. No running to the nearest fast food place and eating crap on impulse. All I have to do is heat the meal up.
So far it's going well.

Summer Is Here

Finally... The depression that had a hold on me since winter is almost gone. I can enjoy the sunlight, very warm temps, butterflies, flowers, etc. It's been really nice. It's been like coming out of a cave, which is kinda what my apartment is like. I spent the majority of the last few months hiding out there.
I have been forcing myself to get out of the apartment and an easy way to do that is photography. Unlike winter which can be drab and dreary, photographing in the summer is fantastic. So many shots from landscape to macro. I've taken around 500 photos in the last couple weeks which is more productivity than I've had in at least a year. When I am out shooting, I forget some of my anxiety and obsessive worrying about danger everywhere. It helps me relax and stay in the moment instead of projecting and worrying ahead. I also just like creating images. Pretty images of pretty things.
I hope this lasts at least until autumn. It's been great feeling like I'm actually living.

June 11, 2016

Out On The Boat

One of my best friends talked me into going on her Dad's pontoon yesterday. I wasn't going to go but when she described the boat and all...well she's good at talking me into stuff. So I was like, fine, I'll go, at least I have my camera with me, I can get some nice shots.  I have been trying to get out of the house more so it was a good thing.
I ended up having a fabulous time. My anxiety got lower and lower as we cruised around the lake. I put spf 70 sunscreen on, I burn easy anyways but with my meds... I wasn't taking any chances. It was in the 90's and I think the heat index was 95, so I drank lots of water. I also get dehydrated quicker on my meds, so I kept on it.
I ended up being relaxed and getting some great shots. By the end of the day I was worn out and hungry. Been sticking to Paleo and exercise and it's helping. I'm down to 126.8 now, getting closer to my fitness goals. I was starving when I got home, but I have meals made up in the freezer so it only took three minutes to make dinner :D Steak and veggie stirfry...it was fantastic. And, I slept like a rock, didn't wake up all night. The fresh air did me good!
I'm thinking about going to the little park down the block and sitting in the gazebo writing in my journal, just to get outside for a bit. It's hot, it's 94 and the heat index is 97, but there is a breeze and in the shade it isn't quite so bad. I might just go do that :D

June 10, 2016

Up way too early...

I woke up at friggin' 4:20 this morning lol. I was just like...wtf? It sucks! Now it's 6:46am and I'm sitting her drinking coffee, eating strawberries, playing Sims and watching Airport '75. I ended up renting the original and then this one. I love these movies. Nothing beats the original though, so many story plots, it really is a work of art.
I'm excited because Amazon is going to be selling a Blu-ray boxed set of all four Airport feature films. For 20 bucks!! I'm so getting it later this month! I think it's release date is the 15th of this month. I know it will be worth it, I've spent more than that just renting the movies. Might as well own them and not have to pay for them anymore. :D

I'm starting to work on a new world in Sims. It is an island that has a mountain on it. I love it. I have been trying to find one that was different from the rest and I finally found a unique world. I'm going to put in community lots later, as well as homes for my friends. At the moment I'm just working on mine. It's looking pretty so far :D

I could totally live there lol :D

June 8, 2016

What's the word.... disenfranchised?

Seriously... My heart HURTS tonight. I've never been huge into politics, but I've thrown my attention at candidates that want to get things done, for the minorities and people without much representations. Always have. So I've been very, very pro Bernie during this election cycle. I love it when people champion the underdog, the low man, the one no one sees.... fights for our rights, disabled, hurt, broke, without food, without medical care, etc. I fought for it with candidates before (even standing in the rain in Milwaukee on the eve of the presidential vote to see John Kerry speak) and I always will have a voice for them. Today I ache, because I know we will be choosing between Hillary and Donald come November and neither have the poor interest in mind. I feel like I let my hopes get too UP with Bernie, I really thought it was possible...but it isn't meant to be. The powers at be are too much, the corruption too deep, the lies too thick. I just want to scream and thrash a few conservatives while I'm at it. But, that would do no good. I might feel good short term, but it wouldn't change anything. I close my eyes and think of what might have been, had Bernie had more momentum earlier in the campaign.... and I hope upon hope that in the future we have third parties to vote for. The established two are corrupt as fuck. <3 p="">

June 7, 2016

The Weight Battle Is On :D

Depression has given way to boredom, boredom to random snacking and sitting around, yet my weight is stable.
This is great, but I still need to eat better. I need to be working out too. I can feel it. I'm weak as fuck. I don't like that at all.
I'm sitting at around 128lbs (58kilos) and my BMI is 23.8. This is all fine and well, such a far cry from the 179 pounds (81 kilos) I used to be. It makes me proud I've been able to stay around the 130 mark for so long.
But I want more. Just because I'm 128 doesn't mean I'm thin. I'm not. I'm just over 5'1" with a tiny frame, so even 128 on me leaves fat rolls around my belly, abdomen, chin, a bit on my back, etc. The doughnut around my mid section worries me just as much as my smoking does. I know it elevates risk factors. I can't seem to find a solution to the smoking yet but the fitness, I have control over that. It's all about me and am I willing to do it.
Yes, the depression makes it harder, but not impossible. I know if I start doing it I'll keep doing it. I just need to properly start, not the on and off I've been doing. I'm already pretty well planned in the food department. Lean meats, veg, some fruit when I can, legumes, beans, etc. Like a good friend of mine, I'm off the processed stuff starting tomorrow as well. No boxed stuff, sodas, fast food, chips, candies, crackers, white rice/sugar/pasta/potato, etc. It's a pretty simple concept. I want off the stuff that slows my brain and body down. I want away from the fake crap. Gum is about the only thing I'll have that is a fake food. That is only because my meds give me mad dry mouth and I have to chew gum or risk damage to my gums and teeth. But that's really the only thing, besides the meds themselves.
I already had an exercise plan ready to go so I'm sticking with that. It was well thought out and researched a while back, I just never really gave it a good go, only sporadically. I'm going to challenge myself. See what I can accomplish. I'd wanted to do all this over spring but it didn't work out, so now I'm doing it in summer weather. The walking (every morning) will have to be done early as my meds make me sensitive to both heat and sun. I think that is a good thing though, get a good walk in to start the day, then finish the workout at home.
It's always a battle isn't it? The highs and lows, the starts and stops, the battle to be healthier, leaner, etc. It's always an evolving plan. :)